Done. whooptidoo.

Today I submitted my dissertation, and finished my degree.

And this is what I did in celebration:

• Bought an ice cream cone, which was then highjacked by a tantruming toddler.
• Paid for printing and diapers, resulting in a $3 bank account. Decided celebration is not really an option.
• Called my husband, who promptly hung up on me.

Tonight, I submit an application that has no chance of being acceptable because I am so tired I could cry.*

Yup.

Good times.

*Actually, I likely will. Cry, I mean. At least that might be halfway enjoyable.

In a Few Hours...

Everything is done and ready, and in a few hours (hopefully after a couple hours of sleep), I will burn the diss onto a disk, and head to the printers and then to campus to submit my finalized dissertation draft. PhD is done.

That's all she wrote. Literally.

On a More Pleasant Note...

Finishing my dissertation is bringing more pleasant thoughts to mind. Thoughts of pomping my robes, baby!

I think I have decided to think positively in terms of someday getting a tenure track job at a university and, thus, needing my regalia for use at future convocations/academic processions (which are often mandatory for TT profs), so I think I am going to start saving towards purchasing my own gown, hood and tam for my convocation ceremony in the fall.

Since I won't need to buy them until October 2010 (though possibly only until August if I have to order via Gaspard's), it is possible I might be able to afford to buy my own rig, with contributions from family, etc. I should say, though, it is not 100% certain I will actually get to attend my ceremony, as I might already be living elsewhere by then. However, if I am not going to my grad ceremony, then that will just give me a few more months to save up for my outfitting and I can just have it shipped to me for future use.

So, here's my party dress of choice (traditional PhD blue and gold lined hood and gold piped coal gown with PhD blue panels/chevrons, with a six-sided blue tam):

Front, with gold piping, gathered sleeves,

PhD blue panels of piled velvet, and three chevrons.

Hood, with gold piping and the traditional blue and gold lining.

(Note: It may be mandatory at my school to have a hood of purple and gold,

with a blue velvet lining...

That would be acceptable, but here's hoping there's some give in there.)

SQUEEEE! POMP!

(I know - I'm a nerd!)

Imma Barf Now

Memorial Day - to me, one of the most significant weekends in my life, since my son was conceived on or about Memorial Day weekend in 2007 (sorry for TMI, but I feel it's a powerful anniversary to keep in mind).

BUT - the little gems around the net about how Americans should feel this day keenly this year for the sake of all those HEROES OVER THERE FIGHTING AND DYING FOR *OUR FREEDOM* makes me throw up a little in my mouth.

Sorry to be political, but really? Freedom in North America depends on this war, does it? Honestly?

Since when did illegal actions fought over misinformation, grudges and the free access to pipelines constitute *OUR FREEDOM*?

Oh, right - our freedom to drive SUVs.

OK, carry on - enjoy the fact that another Iraqi baby was likely just melted to death by spent uranium in the time it took me to type this post, and have a great Memorial Day weekend.

sigh.

GUESS WHO'S DONE HER PhD!?!?!?!?!!

That's right! ME!

Advisor has okayed my edits, so I am good to go.

Submitting on Monday!

They can't change their minds now.

$90

Goodbye, $90.

You could have been food.

Or a paid bill.

Instead, you will be four copies of a crappy dissertation I never should have even started, and that will be good for absolutely nothing.

sigh.

Sorry, $90. I would have loved you, but, instead, I must sacrifice you.

Who the hell requires paper copies of anything any more, anyway?

Oh, balls.

Well, There Goes Another Novel

I have decided to admit defeat for the night. I am too tired and depressed to frig around with stuff tonight - it's not efficient, and really not worth while.

Better to sleep now, and try to finish it all tomorrow.

This basically means I am admitting defeat, and conceding the $90. So, it's going to be an expensive sleep. I better make the most of it.

(Really, though, the chances of me finishing it in time, and the advisor giving it the ok, before Friday morning was not very likely, anyway.)

So, bed, and I'll just try not to be a loser tomorrow.

Fingers crossed on that one.

Deadline

OK, so thanks to a handout from mom and dad (which doesn't at all make me feel like a complete loser at 32), I will be able to just barely handle printing costs for Monday, should that be essential - which it will be, since advisor is really unlikely to have more time for this until the weekend, I am pretty sure.

SO - Monday is the day. Either I submit on Monday, or I drop out on Monday. I am laying that deadline out. No negotiations.

Seriously, a PhD is hardly worth the money it has already cost me. No way that school is getting another $3000 that I don't have.

Considering the Stupidest Decision Ever Made

So... I am seriously considering dropping out of my program, post-defence. Is there even a word yet invented in Engish to describe the stupidity in that move? I'm not sure, but there you have it.

See, the advisor has ixnayed some of the revisions I made, and has kind of given me the old school marm glare, electronically, because I rushed my edits. She has asked me, yet again, to email around to ask for clarification on my instructions, etc.

I get the sense that they just want to force me to take the 40 days they gave me.

But, here's the trouble - I simply don't have the tuition money it would take to do that.

Now, I could possibly take the weekend and TRY for Monday, which would be the last possible day to submit without the huge tuition bill. I might be able to do what they want by then.

BUT, here's the sad little kicker - if I print by Friday, I get it for free. If I wait until Sunday or Monday to print, it will cost me at least $90.

I don't even have $90.

So, for the want of $90, I might have to drop out, even though I passed defence with "minor revisions."

Minor my ass.

I am so fucking fucked it is not even funny.

So, that's it.

I'll let you know what I decide.

***
ETA: OK, I am a whiny little bitch - I will aim for Monday. In all fairness, this is my own fault for misunderstanding what they wanted for the edits, but that in no way changes the fact that I do not have the tuition money to go past Monday. So, GO GO GO!

nuts

I am going absolutely crazy. It's been about 30 hours since I submitted my changed draft, and still no word from the advisor - not even an acknowledgement that she received the thing. What do I do in this situation, do you think? Nothing, I am afraid. Just wait some more.

But the thing is, if she waits until tomorrow sometime to tell me I have to re-do a bunch of stuff, there will be no free printing, and the sad fact is I have no money for printing unless I go without groceries until the 20th of June. I don't think that's much of an option.

Or, even worse, she might tell me to do a complete over-haul, and there's just no way I can swing a whole term's tuition. If I can't afford a $90 print job, I surely can't afford a couple grand in school fees.

She knows all this, so it would do no good to say it again. One rule of Pre-Zombieland: Never, ever trust anyone else to go out of their way to save you money, no matter how much you are hurting. You can ask - just don't expect.

So, I wait. And every email that comes in makes my heart race and then deflate when I find it isn't her. WTF?

MY hamster wheel is getting really squeaky here.

K, Who Googled Me?

My Academia page has a nifty feature, where it tells me if someone finds it via Googling my name. Today, I got such a notification, so I went to check out where the person was from, thinking it might be connected to my Ohio application which just became complete yesterday.

Well, it turns out it was from Canada, where I currently have no applications, as I just got my rejection from the Anthro dept today, and the other 5 or 6 I am doing aren't due until next week. Yet, they read my papers and looked at my CV.

Curious.

True, they might have been Googling someone else with the same name, though that's not extremely likely.

I guess it's not a huge deal, but I am just wondering who in Canada wanted to see my CV and such. Really dying for a good opportunity to come my way, so I really hope they liked what they saw. I'm holding out hope.

Just curious.

Expecting the Reaper

So, I played with one of those Life Expectancy Calculator thingies.

I got 98 years.

That's more than the train robbers got!

I guess smoking isn't working as a replacement for a retirement fund. dang.

(ETA: Apparently, I can squeeze out another seven years if I stop a bunch of stuff and let the doctors poke me with sharp objects more often... I think I'm good, actually, thanks.)

waiting...

Waiting for an important piece of mail.

Waiting for an important email.

Waiting for my help to come from the hills...

A Whole Lotta Nothing

Pretty severely down these days. I managed to submit a revised draft, so hopefully that is done, but money troubles keep weighing on me heavily. After this many years of struggle, I think I am just tired out. I am certainly at the end of my resources.

Once the diss is signed off and submitted (or abandoned), I have to start scrabbling for a job - any job - and figure out how I can pay for childcare. I can't afford to hope for a teaching job any more. It's customer service for me again. Basically back to where I was fresh out of high school! yippee.

Sorry to be a downer, but the wolves are at the door, and I don't really know how much longer I can keep them at bay.

Also, as a sidenote, I am behind in my internet bill, so if I suddenly disappear, I wanted to wish everyone well.

Is it Late or Early?

Well, after a couple nights in a row of no sleep, I just managed to submit my revised draft to my advisor to see if she agrees that I have adequately addressed that monster list of concerns.

They gave me 40 days to make the changes.

If I managed to do it in two days, I might die from the experience, but I can be buried a hero.

... sleep now?

FYI, A Sandwich is a Fine Lunch

OK, I admit that usually I cook a hot lunch for the tot, and that today I did not, for three reasons: (1) It is hot; (2) He just had breakfast a short while ago; (3) I am busy (which really should be three reasons on this list).

So, instead, I made two sandwiches - one cheese and one peanut butter. I gave him half of each and I ate half of each. I topped it off for him with a glass of milk. To me, this seems like a fine meal, if not exactly complete.

His response? To keep trying to lead me by the hand to the stove, and then tapping his fork against the pot on the cold burner.

I am sure I am not the only one who distinctly remembers getting a sandwich and nothing else for lunch as a child. I am certain this is a fairly normal practice, am I right?

Man - I wonder how this spoiled little child will survive college if the lack of a hot lunch for a day will throw him into such an existential quandary.

sigh.

Holy Hannah!

Well, I am pretty near through that list, if you can believe it. I want to be done the essentials today or tomorrow so I can do the typographical/proofing edits before I have to send it to my advisor.

BUT - here's my annoyance, so pardon me if I vent... I ask my advisor for clarification for a point from the carefully negotiated list of things to do, so she directs me to the member of examination committee who suggested that one, so I email that member, who then gives me SIX HUNDRED other things, saying, "Oh and you could do this or that, while you're at it..." WTF?

So, I am waiting for confirmation from my advisor that I am only obligated to do that official list, and not chase down every whim any of these [s]uckers come up with from their comfy, well-paid positions.

What is so hard to understand, folks? I get this done before Monday, I don't have to pay $3,000 and actually get to officially finish my program. I take longer than Monday, and I just don't finish because I AM BROKE. Where's the issue here, folks? Has it really been that long since you paid tuition?

Luckily, my advisor seems to understand, but her "don't bother me until it's done" thing is getting old.

ARGH.

Anyway, the TLDR version is that I am nearly done edits, if I can convince these guys not to start adding crap whenever they come up with a sudden brainwave.

sigh.

A Look at What "Minor Changes" Means...

SPECIFIC SUBSTANTIAL CHANGES (TO DO BY MAY 25):

INTRO
- Directly address impressionistic reading issue
- Discuss negotiated/intended/contested identity in methods section as reproducibility issues (See www.adherents.com list for clearer criteria/methods; See America on Film, Benshoff and Griffin)
- Reveal my own position
- Explore progressivism (Re-Inventing the People, Stromquist; Varieties of Progressivism in America, Berkowitz)
- Explain why liberalism is the starting point, i.e. Hollywood lib
- Use clear def of liberalism earlier in the chapter
- Look at Medved and Podhartz, re: Jewish critique of liberalism in film
- Mention that I will be comparing with Jewish/Jewish couples
- Tevye comparison
- Explicit Yiddish film comparison in footnote?
- Place Zelig here with some discussion of identity issues (and my own position)
- Summary of timeline in development (with Hollywood lib, perhaps?)
- Make some small cuts and efficiencies, etc, to keep it around 40 pages?

CH1
- Clearly state what this chapter does and does not do
- Expand on ethnic Jewish responses to intermarriage in the silent Holocaust section?

CH2
- Make sure representation is echoed here a little, including Woody Allen
- Make sure JIR timeline development is explicit here

CH3
- Serious Man analysis
- Make sure this comparison is clear and in the right place

CH4
- Hester Street analysis
- Make sure this comparison is noted and clear and in the right place

CH5
- CUT ALTOGETHER
- Make sure it is no longer mentioned anywhere else

CONC
- Make sure this reflects all the above changes
- Plug in the Zohan discussion and smooth this over – reframe as American place
- Connect Zohan with Jewish diversity and continued immigration in America

Family News

Today, I got some worrying news - my dad had to go to the hospital this morning.

Nothing too serious, I hope; he has what is known as "steakhouse syndrome" - he has a blocked esophagus way down in there and a blockage that will neither come up or go down, so he can't eat or drink until it it is removed. He can breathe ok, but it is driving him a bit nuts, as you can imagine.

Nothing major, but it's always a worry when someone in their 70s goes to hospital - the hospital is not a healthy place.

So, yeah, being a doctor isn't all that useful in this case.

UPDATE (8pm):

So my dad got fixed up and is already home - so yay for that.

But now the docs want to start poking around to find out why he got a blockage in the first place, and will not accept his "I'm old, and don't chew well enough," and have decided to start looking around for "cause" - they aren't directly saying cancer, but they specifically said they want to look because he used to chew tobacco, so...

Well, he's ok, and I don't think this is more than just doctors being cautious snoops, but it's a bit stressful. It's pretty expensive to get home from here, so my dad has never met my son. I really hope he's going to be ok.

CODE RED

In the past five hours, I have:

• Added three whole new sections to the intro.
• Added a previously cut section to one chapter.
• Sketched out a whole new section to another chapter.
• CUT ONE CHAPTER ALTOGETHER.
• Took two sections they didn't want to lose from that excised chapter and grafted them into the intro and conclusion.
• Trimmed some.

HOLY MOTHER MARY.

MINOR???

A Little Something Different

So, long story short - I've got to learn PhD-level stuff about Yiddish film. Fast.

Thus, I thought I would share, and encourage you to learn along side me.


Enjoy!

SH*T - If This is What they Call "Minor"...

Just got some of my revision list. Yikes.

It's going to be a tough job to finish this in time to avoid the tuition deadline, but the situation is that if I don't finish in time I simply won't finish officially. I am now completely broke, so there's just no way I can manage it, otherwise.

So, bang goes any good feelings about this.

(Actually, I have felt post-defence depression all day, so it's not like I was feeling that great, anyway.)

Doctor! Doctor!

Celebrate Good Times

verdict: passed with minor revisions

Defence was a lot more enjoyable than I anticipated; the minor revisions are actually minor, I hope; my advisor is very pleased; I got a hug from my external; they nominated me for the medal (which means nothing as I think all committees do so); the free lunch afterwards was excellent.

That's basically all I remember of it.

Setting Blog to Auto-Post for 9am

I'm speaking to you from the past - or, rather, from last night.

FINGERS CROSSED!

(Good luck, future me.)

0 Days til D-Day... Holy Crap - I Defend Today!

Wish me luck... and hope for the best.

The Night Before the Verdict

So, lecture is in ok shape (around 17 minutes), and I am about as prepared as I am going be for the Q&A, I think. My bag is packed and ready, everything is printed and waiting, etc. I am groomed and in fighting shape - even my outfit is all laid out.

All I can do now is continue re-reading through the dissertation and try to remain calm. I plan on topping it all off by watching Annie Hall tonight, with some chips (comforting), and try to get some sleep tonight (which reminds me - setting alarm clock now).

Well, Sprout will be home in an hour to throw my life back into chaos, just so I don't get too used to this adult state of readiness.

I feel kind of weirdly numb in my extremities right now.

Tomorrow at 9am it begins... By this time tomorrow, it'll all be over (aside from edits)...

ZOMG -- 1 DAY til D-Day!

Is it ok to panic now...?

Guilt

I just saw the tot off on the bus with K., who is graciously taking him off my hands for a bit so I can work without interruptions (thank you!).

He cried and held out his arms as they were walking away. I felt guilty - deeply.

Now, logically, I know a couple things: (1) He was likely absolutely fine by the time the bus hit the corner. (2) He was likely only crying while I was in earshot to try to get me to change my mind. (3) He is absolutely safe/fine with K. (4) He will have a much better time at the park with her than sitting around here getting barked at because I am trying to work. (5) I will work a lot better without being distracted. (6) I never leave him for my own amusement, but only ever for work, etc., and finishing this degree well is for the good of us all.

So, yes, logically, I know these things. And that it is only a short little while, so I shouldn't feel guilty for the once-in-a-blue-moon that I do it, and that it is good for him to get some time away from me, etc, etc... But, I have to admit, I totally fell for it, and I feel like such a mean mommy right now.

We had such a lovely morning together that I miss him already. His little crying face does not improve that feeling.

Ugh. There is no guilt like mommy guilt. :(

***

Sigh - Well, I better make the most of my time, so I can at least feel that it was worth it for me, and him, and K., who I am sure has stuff she could have been doing today instead of helping us out. Today: Practice lecture; Finish up some Q&A stuff. GO GO GO!

A Coke and a Smile...

... makes your all-nighter brighter.

2 Days til D-Day

Holy crap.

Two days.

Oh well, tonight I am re-reading the diss, and while I am finding myself kind of tired of it, I can honestly say it isn't bad. That is a good feeling to have going into the defence.

Tomorrow (today? Wednesday), with some time to myself (thanks to K.), I am spending the afternoon on the lecture and some assorted Q&A cleanup points. I will likely do the same on Thursday. But reading the dissertation is nice quiet activity to do while the tot sleeps, and is really not something I can skip, since the whole point of Friday's dog and pony show is to see how well I can discuss this thing.

Starting to think about what to do after the defence (if I pass) - some thoughts: clean, sleep, revisions, sleep, watching something that doesn't have to do with research, sleep, job apps, sleep. Also: cake.

Ah - that will get me through. :)

2.5 Days til D-Day (Well, a little less than that)

I managed to squeeze in those reference edits on the publication, so that is done. (Yes, I am Hot Stuff.)

But now I have something of a dream job posting that I am eager to get cracking on - it would allow us some financial security even in the summer, and potentially for the next year. I WANT. (But, trying not to get my hopes up.) I still have the Pittsburgh app to do, but I admit I want this local temp job more right now, even though it is about 200% less prestigious - it's local, it pays ok, and it's valuable experience, which are my three main desires right now. Income and CV bulk. And no stressful/expensive move, if I can help it.

But, to be honest - I feel lucky. I think there's going to be a change of good vibes in my direction, soon.

Today, I also got a draft of my dissertation printed, and spiral bound, for use at defence - and it look mahvellous. I have decided to bite the bullet and see if any office on campus is willing to print my four copies for free on May 31 for final submission. I have priced this as low as $90 at commercial print shops, but if I could avoid even that much, I'd be a happy person.

I also have my handouts done and copied - they are tasteful and professional looking, and I don't think anyone will see them as a crutch.

So, now - read the diss, practice the lecture, and review the bare essentials for Q&A (Bowling Alone, Bellah, Frederick Barth, and as much liberalism as I can handle). I have also found a whole whack of Sandel lectures online I will watch to help me along, and have a few more movies to re-watch to refresh my memory. Otherwise, I think I am about as ready as I can get at this point.

I went to campus and hunted down my defence room today, so I will not get lost Friday morning... Wow. This thing is freaking really happening!

imma throw up.

Party or Phone Bill...?

I'm now dodging bill collectors - not good.

I'm not necessarily dodging them because I am flat broke (though I am very, very close), so much as because I don't really have time/nerves to do the banking and calling I need to sort the stuff out. Transfer funds here, renew this card, blah blah blah.

But, beyond all that, I have to confess - survival is becoming a concern. (Which makes me wonder if throwing a post-defence party is a good idea...)

Ah - future's so bright I gotta wear shades.

Happy graduation, indeed.

3 Days til D-Day

OK, so now I'm scared. I can't tell where to go from here - more Q&A work, which would be useful, or more work on the lecture, which is essential. I'm nervous.

I ended up having a nice birthday - pizza in the park! Thanks to K. for coming over. It was so nice to have a spot of fun after the day I was having.

Editor got back to me - she really likes what I did to the piece, but wants me to integrate the references into the text and ixnay the footnotes. Um... not today, I think.

I'm really very nerved up.

Stress Update

• Piece and pics are done/chosen, roughly, and sent off.
• Still waiting for UPS, so I have not yet had a chance to shower, and b'day plans are supposed to start fairly soon. sigh.
• Several emails received and dealt with, re: defence and apps.
• No cleaning done, I'm afraid.
• Computers suck arse.

That is all.

A Little Bit Stressed

Just a tad.

A Great Birthday Present pt II

So get this kids - the editor of that journal emails me saying they want the piece, so I say "Great! I'm defending on Friday and will have edits to do on that, so I can get a new draft to you in early June."

So she responds to me, asking, "Can you get to it right away? It won't take long to do these fixes."

So I reply, "Well, I guess since I am taking today off for my birthday (emphasis in my head, not in type), I can take a look at the changes immediately if need be (ditto)."

Her response? "That would be great. Can you find us some images, too?"

sigh.

Happy birthday to me.


(ETA: Though I guess this means they must be trying to run it in the summer issue, which is pretty awesome, even if inconvenient.)

A Great Birthday Present

YAY!

I just got notification that a piece as been accepted - by a paying journal (these are fairly rare for academics). I just have to do some edits, and re-send, and it should be in print in the Autumn issue.

4 Days til D-Day

Happy birthday to me.

I admit, it will be very hard not to work today - the days are getting shorter and shorter. I might sneak some work in later, if I can. For now, I'm waiting for UPS man today and trying to get some cleaning done. FUN!

Why, oh why, Couldn't my defence and submission be before my birthday? You know, so I could actually enjoy today.

But, I am waiting for a present I have really, really wanted to arrive, and a friend sent me a comic strip she had made out of one of our funniest AIM convos - which is one of the best birthday present I have ever received. I'm so proud of my talented friends! And another friend might be coming over for a movie this evening.

So, there is cause to cheer, even if my knees are knocking.

Hope all is well with all of you.

Progress

So, I have managed to do some important prep - I waded through the Sandell and Rawls debate today, and am about to review Locke and Kant and the social contract, etc, etc, tonight.

I'm getting nerved up, but at least I'm starting to get some place...

5 Days til D-Day

Oh holy frig.

Five days.

I'll admit, I'm getting pretty nervous - and a bit panicky over being behind schedule on my prep. There was so much that I wanted to do before the defence, but now I face a tough choice: trim my prep list and concentrate on the important stuff (and just have faith that I can handle everything else cold on the fly during Q&A), or try to do everything, which comes with the risk of burning out and/or not doing the key stuff in enough depth to really knock those questions out of the park.

Well, there is a handful of things that I know my committee will ask - about one or two things per member, except the external (who I really can't sleuth out all that well at the moment, until I do some more skimming of his publications). Those seem like essential things.

Some last-minute prep:

• Re-read dissertation
• Time, trim, practice, memorize and make outline speech notes for lecture
• Practice some talking points
• Prep Q&A for liberalism
• Prep Q&A for Frederick Barth and ethnicity/identity issues
• Prep Q&A on gender/assimilation issues (Prell and Hyman)
• Prep Q&A on Bowling Alone and Robert Bellah
• Prep Q&A on communitarianism (Etiznioni and Sandel) and authenticity (Trilling)
• Look at dissertation proposal for the first time since 2007
• Finish quick-points notebook
• Make firm definitions for my key terms for Q&A
• Review a few more key films
• Review Taylor and Walzer
• Review comp materials for possible Q&A issues

And do some laundry and get groceries/do banking sometime in there, work on the Pittsburgh app, and see about rescheduling the mock defence (so, add cleaning to the list) ... oh, and celebrate my birthday. oy.

Those things should basically cover the bare necessities - but I really need to make the most of my time, as there is so many other small things I'd like to do before Thursday night (i.e. Jewish/Christian relations Q&A, definition of "Who is a Jew?", etc, just in case these things come up), so I can get a good sleep that night knowing I am prepared.

The last thing I need is the feeling that I neglected a lot of important stuff.

yikes.

Morning. Coffee?

I'm having real trouble with Sprout's sleeping habits - he sleeps in daily now, naps late, and then resists sleep fiercely until he passes out - usually after 11pm!

I need to force him back onto a half decent sleep schedule, so I'm going to have to make sure he doesn't nap too long in the afternoon, or too late, and I'm going to have to start setting the alarm to get him up early in the AM. (Never thought I would have to do that with a toddler!) This morning, it is 7.18am right now and I am being as noisy as possible to try to give him a hint. His little butt better be up and at em by 8am. Man, I think I already have a teenager!

As to other things, I am behind on my work schedule, but I guess I feel ok about the defence --- HOLY HANNAH, IT'S THIS FRIDAY! ARGH!

Oh well, I can smell my coffee calling me, and it's French toast morning, so there are many nice things to keep me stable this morning. I love French toast days! (My fav.)

OK... Now to go clomp around the bedroom a bit to see if I can motivate the lazy bones. sigh.

6 Days til D-Day

Hubbell Gardner and Annie Hall

Prototypes of Gentile masculinity and femininity? Counterparts?

Hubbell:

• Blond and handsome
• Calm within his body and healthy
• Athletic
• Self-assured
• Casual
• Confident of his place
• Unconcerned with the world
• Blessed
• Simplified world view and goals
• Unconcerned with his talents and future
• Unconcerned with the past
• Lacking in empathy
• Light
• Privileged background
• All-American
• Intrigued by Katie as someone opposite from himself
• Fun and spontaneous; concerned only with pleasure
• Feels welcome
• Frustrated with the Jewish Katie's pushiness and attempts to guide him
• Ends up being less ideal than Katie first assumed

Annie

• Care-free
• Unambitious
• Simple/uncomplicated
• Fair and pretty, and slim
• Unaggressive
• Feels somewhat inferior to people she perceives as intellectual
• Simplified world view and goals
• Immature
• Seeks "good times"
• Awkward, but in a charming way
• Light
• All-American
• Intrigued by Alvy as something exotic
• Wholesome family with money
• Lacking in empathy
• Unconcerned with the past
• Frustrated with the Jewish Alvy's pushiness and attempts to guide him
• Ends up as less ideal than Alvy first assumed

question

What is it that makes lying about having pooped a toddler thing? Most people I know who have small children report this scene or similar:

Me: Did you poop? (I can clearly smell poop.)

Toddler: No.

Me: No?

Toddler: No pooooo. (Shakes head with certainty.)

Me: (Checks diaper.) Oh good lord! Saying no won't make that go away, friend.

Toddler: Uh...

*end scene*

What gives, kids? That ashamed of your diaper atrocities, huh?

Why not take pride in your productivity? Then you can be an academic!

And We Have Liftoff!

Well, a full lecture script is in the bag. At last. Well behind schedule, of course, but not at the last minute, at least.

It's likely grossly over the time limit, so it will have to be read aloud several times, and timed, and then trimmed and condensed, and then practiced and refined, and practiced some more, and timed a couple times more - and possibly partially memorized. And then I will have to reduce it back down to outline notes for the actual talk, which I will again have to practice and rehearse and time again and again.

But, the thing is in the bag now, at least in draft form.

I must say - I feel much more ready about all this.

*whew*

Paranoia

I've just got to vent this paranoia.

Yesterday, at a coffee shop, I was talking with friends and said some rather biting things about R3 - I am sure I used his full name, which was stupid of me. Anyway, I have this total fear that someone in the place knew R3 and would mention it - I am fairly recognizable/describable. Also, as one fellow left the place, I swear he was giving me the dirty eyeball.

OK, so I know this is insane, but my nerves are rattled about it. I guess in my head, this eyeball guy will go and tell R3, who will be so offended that he will unleash his vindictive fury on me at defence and fail my indiscreet arse for slandering his name in a public place.

I know, I know. Crazy. But, I mean... it really could happen, couldn't it?

Argh. The sooner this is over, the better!

(The lesson in all this: Keep your trap shut.)

Mommy Off Duty

I'm taking a moment to eat - really eat. Before things get cold and spilled. I am eating things that would normally be too dangerous - hot soup, for example. And my coffee is delicious and from a real mug (the kind without a spill-proof lid). I think I'll even dig into the hidden caramel supplies after I am done.

I'll get back to work in a couple minutes - but I wanted to record this moment. It's priceless.

Focus

Childless today - the tot is happily off to the park, etc, with a friend. It seems another friend is going to the park with them - a lady who Sprout flirts with outrageously. He will be a happy boy. :)

Also, the Ohio app is safely off on its way. YAY! I look forward to reading their rejection letter with interest and enthusiasm.

OK... Use time productively. Today's objective: Complete lecture draft. Then, if I have time, it's time to hit my "Q&A" crib notes book, and look through the drafts for committee question topics.

***

PS. I also should get around to the Pittsburgh application, as I told my references I would have my materials for them to view as soon as I could. That is a priority this weekend... Hm. Seems like I should soon make a new priority list. But not now - I know the demons of "To Do List" procrastination all too well. It is second only to the "Well, I'll Check that Forum Just Once More" procrastination technique. Today, I will resist both.

Today is for focusing and finishing a major task.

GO GO GO.

(And, thanks, K., for the time to myself.)

7 Days til D-Day

Juggling job apps and defence stuff is really annoying at times - when I am working on one, I am thinking of the other, and vice versa, which means I always feel guilty for neglecting something. And don't get me started on the mommy guilt.

SO FRIGGING BEHIND.

Oh well - less than a week now til at least one of those aspects is done... but then comes the several days of break-neck-speed revisions so I can submit the final dissertation by the tuition deadline. yippee.

Grad Gift Idea

Just in case I have an extra few bucks I have been thinking about getting myself some little thing for finishing. Aside from Authenticity Hoax (which is too expensive to even seriously consider), the book I am mulling over the most is this new classic - and it's fairly cheap!

Amazon link.

ETA: A little birdie told me I am likely to receive The Authenticity Hoax for my birthday. I always loved a little birdie bearing good news. :)

8 Days til D-Day

Oh holy crap - a week of prep time left. I admit it - I'm now fairly freaked out.

I didn't get much sleep last night, so I am also pretty tweeked. This was not at all helped my the tot's half-hour long tantrum right before lunch. It was the worst we've gone through in a long time - full 10 decibals, kicking and panting and tears, etc. Really brutal.

But, this had a good use, actually - it does show me how far he and I have come. Now, a tantrum like this seems so bad because it is so rare. Once upon a time, it was a daily occurrence. I feel we are experiencing a good progression, even though there are still occasional lapses.

I can't expect a two year old to never tantrum - hell, I'm over thirty (soon to be a whole year older in a couple days) and I still feel like kicking my feet once in a while. The only thing that stops me from the full show is that (a) no one would care, and (b) it sounds/looks like a heck of a lot more effort than I wish to expend these days.

In sum: OH HOLY SH*T - ONE WEEK LEFT UNTIL DEFENCE. YIKES.

Some Points from Evans & Deleyto, 1998 (Romance Genre Book)

Introduction: Surviving Love, Evans & Deleyto (1-14)

• while some form of "love" is universal, romantic love is culturally constructed
• romantic comedies reflect changes in "intimate culture"
• the current myth of romantic love is that the irrational passions of love and sex help people remove the inauthentic strictures placed on us by social conformity, thus it is the process through which we grow to know our real identity and "true self" (i.e. Foucault 1981)
• romantic comedy, nevertheless, has a conservative core

Love Lies: Romantic Fabrication in Contemporary Romantic Comedy, F. Krutnik (15-36)

• In Annie Hall, Alvy progresses through women who he tries to control, but the Jewish women he married he was unable to control - he sought in Annie a women he could dominate, intellectually, and tried to re-make her, but as she grew she out-grew him, denying him his dream of a woman he could control.
• Romantic comedies often rely on the crossing of borders.
• Romantic comedy often employs a fabrication or masquerade element - thus, they must balance the tension between "real" relationships growing out of falsehood. Modern intimate culture holds that one cannot find anyone to love their true selves, but that one must pretend or change in order to find and keep love.

Love and Other Triangles: Alice and the Conventions of Romantic Comedy, C. Deleyto (129-47)

• When sex was linked to reproduction, it was connected to communal survival and duty - thus, it was part of the transcendent order; when it became a matter of pleasure/identity/individual needs ("plastic sexuality" = sexuality parted from reproduction), it no longer required a transcendent element - in fact, a transcendent element would be counter-productive to the needs of personal choice. (Following Giddens 1992.)

The Fever and the Itch: Matching Plots in Spike Lee's Jungle Fever, I.C. Santaolalla (148-67)

• read for use in interracial romance - read Wartenberg chap, as well, for this?
• these stories, and the reaction to them, highlight the ambiguity of Americans towards their own foundational myths of equality
• Hollywood is behind reality in terms of interracial coupling - while it is becoming more and more acceptable and popular in reality, film still has difficulty showing interracial romance (without making the romance about their interracial status), and still try to avoid showing interracial sex as much as possible
• popular notion that interracial sexuality is spurred by boredom, curiosity and/or sexual stereotypes being tested/explored (Spike Lee's position here)

Some General Ideas from these Readings (Useful for Q&A)

• Annie Hall shows Alvy's romances with Jewish women fail - does this harm my theory? No, because he had idealized the Gentile woman to such an extent that he had constructed his memory of these women along the lines of negative images of Jewish women (shrill/high-strung; grasping; dull) -- however, after his experience with Annie, Alvy reviews his life and cannot understand why his younger self had rejected Alison - this was because Annie had cured him of this idealization
• Annie Hall quote: "...all those PhDs are in there, like, discussing modes of alienation and we'll be in here quietly humping" - sex is, for Alvy, the ultimate connection, and, being purely physical, is the exact opposite of the theoretical contemplation of alienation.

***

Ref:

Terms of Endearment: Hollywood Romantic Comedy of the 1980s and 1990s. Edited by P.W. Evans and C. Deleyto. Edinburgh, UK: Edinburgh University, 1998.

I Give!

I had to cancel the mock defence - things were getting too hectic, and several things kept delaying my cleaning (tot, financial stuff, job app, committee emails). Sometimes, simplifying things is the best way to prepare.

I will be sorry if the mock defence doesn't go through, as it was a great idea, and I thank the two peeps who were up for coming.

Crickey - all at once, I both wish time would slow down and hurry up.

Gah.

Further Reading on Liberalism

(Note: Clarify my position - liberalism or "classical liberalism"?)

In Print/PDF:

Bird, Colin (1999). The Myth of Liberal Individualism. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Eberle, Christopher J. (2002). Religious Conviction in Liberal Politics. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Gutmann, Amy (1985). ‘Communitarian Critics of Liberalism’, 14 Philosophy & Public Affairs: 308-22.

Hobbes, Thomas (1948 [1651]). Leviathan, Michael Oakeshott, ed. Oxford: Blackwell.

Koerner, Kirk. Liberalism and its critics. Oxford: Taylor & Francis, 1985.

Kymlicka, Will (1989). Liberalism, Community and Culture. Oxford: Clarendon Press.

Rawls, John (1996). Political Liberalism. New York: Columbia University Press.

Rawls, John (1999). A Theory of Justice, revised edition. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Rawls, John (2001). Justice as Fairness: A Restatement, Erin Kelly, ed. New York: Columbia University Press.

Raz, Joseph (1986). The Morality of Freedom. Oxford: Clarendon Press.

Rousseau, Jean-Jacques (1973 [1762]). The Social Contract and Discourses, G.D.H. Cole, trans. New York: Dutton.

Sandel, Michael. (1982) Liberalism and the Limits of Justice. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

Scanlon, T.M. (1998) What We Owe Each Other. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Taylor, Charles (1992). Multiculturalism and The Politics of Recognition. Princeton: Princeton University Press.

Eric Voegelin, Mary Algozin, and Keith Algozin, "Liberalism and Its History", Review of Politics 36, no. 4 (1974): 504-20

Online:
Library of Liberty
Standford Encyclopedia of Philosophy
Wiki: Liberalism
Wiki: Classical Liberalism
Positive and Negative Liberty
On Kant
On Hobbes
On Locke

Reader 3

I got an email from my third reader with some advice. Of the examiners, I'd say he is the one I will likely have the most trouble from at the defence, so the next week will be largely devoted to considering his POV on things.

In the email, he noted that his major concern with my work is my definition of liberalism, which is no surprize - so that's an area I will have to bone up on for the defence Q&A. I will have to hit a few good, recent survey articles and things - and do a little bit of online philosophy references to make sure I am covered for a general conversation. I will have to re-read my discussion of liberalism in the dissertation, and know how to defend or correct it.

Otherwise, he says I should be able to see his other issues by looking through our old email exchanges and his margin notes, which is a safe bet. I think, with some effort and acuity, I should be able to tackle all of that - he says he is confident that I will be able to handle myself. (I hope he's right!)

Some general advice from good old R3:
- Listen to the questions and feedback carefully
- Don't get defensive, but hold my ground
- Consider things that will need work in the book revision stage
- Enjoy discussing my work

I think I can manage that. I hope.

A Spot of Relief

I heard back from grad studies (someone there who actually does know of what she speaks, and one who I do trust), saying that I am unlikely to run into troubles with spring fees if I meet the May 31 deadline, but that I should email her ASAP after the defence if it looks like I might not be able to meet that mark.

One issue did arise, however - my advisor cannot approve the dissertation's final submission via email, so we will need to appoint someone local to sign off on it, if advisor is out of the country (which, let's face it, she will be, since she nearly always is). This was a surprize to me, since I usually assume everything can be done electronically these days, so I am SO GLAD the grad studies person mentioned it. That could have really sunk me if we hadn't been warned. Literally, this has truly saved my arse.

Sometimes it really pays to just bloody well ask if you have concerns.

cleaning

yikes.

I managed to fuzz up the passing of the days, but now all of a sudden it is the day before mock defence - so now not only do I actually have to write the lecture for said defence, but I have to plow through the crap laying around my apartment so I don't immediately die of shame once people see it. poop.

Mock defence is a great idea - if you stay on top of things and don't put yourself in this position. I'll kick myself later - for right now, I gotta get some cleaning done.

ETA: It also means that I am coming up on phone meeting with advisor, which may be as soon as Friday morning. whoops.

9 Days til D-Day

HOLY MOLY - SINGLE DIGITS, FOLKS.

OK, so sorry for being a downer earlier. Had a mild crisis brought on by an electronic scolding and some application disappointment, but I think relationships have been smoothed over and the application has been saved, so I am back on track. Thank heavens I managed to avoid going into a total depression nose-dive, as I have not the time or energy for that right now.

Little over a week until I defend.

YIKES.

I gotta-gotta-gotta write up and practice my lecture. That is priority one tomorrow. Tonight, I am finishing some manuscript edits so I can ask the admin assistant to print it for me some time before the Big Show.

But, tomorrow is all about the lecture. pinky swear.

down

I'm fighting it, but I can feel the blues settling into my bones. Sadly, however, I don't have the luxury of lying around in bed all day wallowing in my depression, so I am forcing a smile, forcing some manner of give-a-damn, forcing myself to do what I need to do to keep this home afloat. I know everything that eats at me is my own damn fault - but that realization doesn't exactly make me feel any better.

What the hell am I going to do?

ETA: I think I might be working around the time issues on the Ohio app, which has improved my mood a bit. My application would be in on time, but I might be able to get the letters to the school separately, just maybe not on time for "full consideration." Better than not trying at all, perhaps. Worth a shot, at least. Still, I wish I had found this post a month ago. sigh.

ow

So, I am not sure about the Ohio application. Advisor just sort of e-smacked me up side the head for asking for a ref on such short notice, so I am leery of pressing the issue. Also, I have not even heard back from the other two I asked, so I take it they are cursing too much to reply. whoops.

First, universities that still use snail mail for apps - what the hell? Second, contact info for references are so much easier to get permission for. Letters are horribly difficult to scrounge up unless you find the post's ad a good month in advance. Thus, I believe this application is likely dead in the water.

Rats.

10 Days til D-Day

I am so very, very far behind on the defence prep - job hunting and postdoc apps, etc, are really sucking up my available work time these days. One doesn't really realize how long it takes to even so much as craft reference request emails and the like - a couple of those after the tot goes to bed, and I'm practically out of time before I collapse into bed.

Right now, I am scrambling to get a postdoc app to Ohio by the 20th, and the Pittsburgh postdoc is looming. There's also a handful of local teaching gigs I want to put in for - though my own department still hasn't listed their fall/winter openings (though I check every day - often twice a day)!

(Nor have they publicized my defence, so things must just be really hectic for them right now with the program review and the hiring process to fill the eastern religions position. I was thinking of whether or not I should email them and ask if they are going to send out my defence announcement to the department mailing list, but, really, why do I want that many people there?)

Still waiting to hear back from my inquiries regarding what happens over the next while since I cannot afford tuition this term, and I suspect everyone on the planet but me is on vacation. Money issues continue to weigh on me, since I am in debt and basically busted - and the job hunt is likely to get ironically expensive. However, I persevere.

Just ten days left - I have to edit up my dissertation as much as I can in case the admin assistant will kindly print me off another copy so I can coil bind it for the defence (and for re-reading), and I have yet to write out my lecture in full draft, which is becoming a bit of a crisis. However, if I do end up having my mock defence later this week (how the hell did that come up so fast?), that will provide me with the motivation to write it out and rehearse it, IhopeIhopeIhope.

Further, as always, there is more prep reading, etc, that I should be doing - of that, I think, I am hardly likely to run out.

Nevertheless, things are ok here. Tot has been eating well and being a good kid, and I am maintaining my optimism. I spotted a fruit fly today, which makes me narrow my eyes in seasonal aggravation, but won't let that bother me for now.

OK - back to work.

I Smell Yummy

In celebration of the good external report, which signals that the defence truly will be going ahead as scheduled, I splurged today and got myself a bottle of body spray. Well, if $5 counts as "splurging." I figure smelling nice will certainly foster a good spirit of self confidence and poise, and it makes for a nice frivolous birthday/mother's day gift to myself.

Brown sugar and French vanilla, it says - I don't know about that, but it definitely smells pretty damn mmmm.

I'll have to resist the temptation to taste it.

ZOMG ZOMG ZOMG

I PASSED MY EXTERNAL READER REVIEW WITH "COMMENDATIONS"!!!

This means that my defence will indeed go through as planned, and that he's on board with the project - it also means he might be persuaded to help me prepare it for publication submission afterwards, etc!

(Advisor did not send me the report, but summed it up for me - she said he had some useful advice for strengthening my argument, but that he said it was solid work, etc.)

WOO HOO!

I've Got Mail? Please? How About Now? Now?

Threatening your computer does not make email come faster, FYI.

I am dying with anxiety waiting for my external reader report, which my advisor unwisely decribed as "any minute now." So, literal-thinker that my neurosis is, I have a compulsion to refresh my email over and over.

(She is also waiting for it to come from grad studies, who may be waiting for it to come from the external - it is a cycle of waiting, with all of the anxiety pooling somewhere around my thyroid.)

Literally going nuts here, but I can. not. step. away. GAH.

It doesn't help that I have also sent out a billion emails on everything from my tuition crisis to my postdoc references (generally as part of a "well, if I'm checking a million times, anyway, I may as drop a note to Ms XYZ" haze to try to make staring at my email looking somewhat productive). So, now, I am also sitting and refreshing hoping someone will reply to one of those.

On the plus side, my spam box has been cleared numerous times.

JUST SEND ME THE DAMN REPORT AND NOBODY GETS HURT.

11 Days til D-Day

I have this nagging feeling that I am supposed to be someplace this morning but that I can't remember... I really, really hope this isn't the case.

So, we are coming down to the wire here, and will soon enter single-digit count down time, which is a bit scary and a bit exhilarating. I am still finding new things to do to prepare, and I'm talking to people for advice, so I think I am taking this thing seriously now.

In the meantime, I still have a butt-load of prep to get through, and now I have decided to apply for a postdoc in the States, so I am kind of swamped down at the moment. However, advisor is excited about the postdoc app, so it's likely a good idea. (I am getting incredibly antsy about what happens after I defend.)

Fairly soon, we should hear word from the external reader, so the advisor and I are kind of holding our breath - plus, advisor wants me to ask the external for a letter of reference for the postdoc position if he likes my work, so there's a bit more added pressure now to our wait.

She specifically suggested people other than reader 3, and I am trying not to read a big "he hates your guts" in that. Defence breeds neurosis.

Today, tot and I head out for diapers, so I think that will distract me a bit for a little while. But the temptation to just sit here and stare at my email until word from the external comes through is a bit strong.

SO MUCH TO DO! ARGH!

Having a Lovely Day

• Slept in til 9.30am!
• Had huge breakfast featuring French toast and bananas
• Called both grandmas (one was wisely still asleep - will call her back later)
• Watched some cartoons and a fluff movie while we coloured and played some ball
• I had a coffee while soaking in a bubble bath
• Simple lunch

Plans for later: I'm making bean sprout chow mein and soy chicken stirfry on rice for supper tonight, and then we'll watch When Harry Met Sally...! We might take a walk before dark (possibly to go score a can of mushrooms for the stirfry); the length will depend on naptime and how cold it is out.

My best gift today: the tot has been an absolute angel today! I got plenty of kissies and hugs, and no tantrums thus far. Just what I always wanted!!!

I hope all is well!

12 Days til D-Day

weep with those who weep

The daughter of an online friend is surely weeping today.

Today is her first Mother's Day as a mother, which should be a joyous, special occasion in the life of a young woman.

But today, this daughter of my friend weeps, because, a few months ago, her first and only son was born not alive.

I pause to remember those mothers mourning their children today, and those children mourning lost mothers.

All the best for Mother's Day to those weeping today.

Happy Mother's Day!

This is something the tot and I made for Mother's Day. I will hang it on the wall, despite the fact that it nearly drives me into sugar shock with its sweetness.

And if you do not think it is darling, I pity you your cold and withered heart. Or, you know, you and I have differing opinions on what constitutes darling, to put it in less dramatic terms.

(Day off from Defence Stuff today!)

13 Days til D-Day

Spent the day reading extra stuff, just in case someone asks about stuff I didn't have time to include in the dissertation. I think it is a lot easier to answer questions about what you did than about some of the things you didn't do.

And, no, "Huh - well, I didn't include that because this is the first I've heard of it," is not a great answer. I think I could answer that way once, maybe, about something minor, but any more than that and I'd look a fair jackass.

I'm looking at defence down the barrel now, folks. eeek!

clothes update

Could not find a waistcoat or sweater vest to save my soul today. bugger.

I did get myself a couple of shirts today for the defence as a mother's day prezzie. Now I have two weeks to decide which one to wear.

Actually... less than two weeks now. Two weeks from right now, it'll be over!

ETA: I found a black vest I had in my closet - I used to wear it habitually back in high school! Thank heavens I held on to it. I can't believe it still fits me like a glove!

FINALLY!

Just now, I have finally finished expanding my filmography to include all the little details (director, producer, performer, studio, format, duration, etc.), as I have have been failing to do since December! It is now safely in place, ensconced in my full dissertation draft - making it 307 pages, which will likely be its final length, thereabouts.

I still have to cross-check the filmography against the text and back again, but I kind of feel like my dissertation is now finally done - as if it was incomplete while this thing hung over my head. I was fairly disappointed when I didn't have the filmography done in time for the submitted draft, but I hadn't realized how important finishing it was to me until now.

So, while there are still edits and re-reads to do, the diss is now officially complete... until the post-defence rip apart, that is.

Feels so good to finish that thing!

14 Days til D-Day

It is now two weeks - 14 days - before my defence. In two weeks, I could be Dr. X. Or I could be drunk in the park shriveling in remorse over my failure. Either way, it's two weeks.

Friday, May 21, 9am - 12pm, thereabouts. Two weeks from today. eep.

I still have loads and loads to do, and I haven't come anywhere near close to coming up with and going through enough possible Q&A avenue, and people have been irritatingly silent on defence advice.

My advisor has informed me, with regret, that she knows no more than I do what will go down, and that, since I am the expert, it is really all on me. Thanks. That makes me feel loads better. She also said she is terrifically confident that it will be a smashing success. But in my fever, I choose to focus on that bad part for the moment. The part about it being all up to me.

And about me being the expert...? WTH? I hope they don't all realize how much of the theory I either made up or fudged through. whoopsie.

Why oh why did I not work harder over the last several days???

GAH! So much time and so little to do... No, reverse that.

GAH!

Motivation! Nice to See You! Where Ya Been?

OK, so now I feel motivated. I started my portable defence point notebook tonight, and am feeling On the Case. Finally!

I Want...

A dark/Oxford blue long sleeved button up dress shirt, maybe with a nice pinstripe, that doesn't make me look dumpy, but one that will fit all of me in it for my defence - possibly with a grey sweater vest over it.

Is that too much to ask?

About Two Weeks

Well, the people I have talked to about my recent lack of interest in defence prep said that that usually goes away about two weeks before the defence. Well, now's the time... Anything yet?

You know, I do feel a bit more engaged, largely because I actually did do some work last night, I think. And now I have several landmarks coming up to get my feet back on the path, so that will help.

Upcoming Defence Prep Milestones:

• Mock defence on May 13
• Skype meeting with reader 3 on May 14
• Phone meeting with advisor around May 14
• External reader's report sometime next week

I hope that those things will (1) force me to finalize my lecture (which I have been avoiding), and make me practice it with purpose, and (2) force me to get things done in advance of the actual defence date, which is my bad habit. Third, I hope it will all make this thing real, vital and interesting to me again.

So: GET OUTTA THE WAY, FOR GOODNESS SAKE - THIS OL GAL AIN'T GOT NO BREAKS!

GO GO GO!

15 Days til D-Day

Having a bit of a rough day today - tot is being... well, he's two. Let's just leave it there.

Half a month till the Big Show. I think I can... I think I can... I think I can...

Good Thing or Bad Thing?

I emailed reader 3 last night and asked if he wanted to meet up sometime before the defence to chat about his reflections on the dissertation and the defence, etc. He said that we could talk on the phone or Skype sometime if I wanted to talk about how to do a defence but that he didn't feel we were obligated to meet since I pretty much know what his questions might be.

So, this is possibly good because it means I can easily get out of meeting with him. However, it is potentially problematic because, one, it gives me less chance to practice talking to him without crying, and, two, it means he thinks I know his questions, and, therefore, will expect me to have prepared for his attack.

*brain going back over his feedback feverishly*

So, yes - I think I know some of what he might ask, but I still feel a bit concerned over his Q&A. I will have to very carefully re-read through his feedback (which I am not happy to do, since it was so mean), and then try to recall what he asked at my public defence. I think I will also read a couple of his publications to get some more ammo, just in case.

Result: I still haven't decided if not meeting with his a good thing or not.

16 Days til D-Day

Today, I am taking most of the day off to see a movie and have a little time out. Not that I deserve "time off," really, as I haven't been working very hard. Oh well - after today, right? Right!

(Seriously, I am super behind, and fell asleep last night accidentally, which really did not help my schedule whatsoever.)

I mentioned a "mock defence" to my advisor, who immediately acclaimed it a great idea. So now I guess I am obligated to do it.

Also, I got a rejection email for that course I was so excited about on Monday. That application took me days to make. It took them much less time to reject me. That stings a bit, but nothing to do about it but move on.

So... Onward.

What's My Problem?

I am a little scared by how un-scared I am about the defence. I know that sounds like bravado, but I assure you it is not. I am just so lackadaisical these days - instead of work, I putter. I am sleeping a lot more than I normally would in times of diligence. I am not currently fazed whatsoever by the upcoming defence. I am just... fine. I am a heck of a lot more wrapped up in teaching apps than what is basically the most important day of my professional life so far.

WTH?

Now, could it be that I am just confident of the good outcome, having done my work and looked into the process enough to know that I can handle it? Or am I just avoiding reality? Or am I just being lazy because I got a little burned out on the thing over the past few months? Or am I just out of my mind?

Normally, I am an ultra-contentious person, and although I don't usually appear so, I try to be meticulous in my preparation and work... so this new phase is kind of weird.

It actually reminds me of how I was before the comp exams. But those turned out ok, so maybe it really is confidence. But the jury is still out, re: insanity.

I kind of just want this thing over with.

17 Days til D-Day

So, slightly embarrassed, I have recently found out that adding "ABD" to your CV, etc., is considered "cringeworthy" by hiring committees. Whoops. I knew that "PhD Candidate" was a bit snerky, but I simple-mindedly thought, since the job posts asked for ABD or higher, I should clearly specify ABD. Guess not. My face is a little red for the applications I have already submitted with what basically amounts to "newbie affectation" written all over them. Oh well, since I am in second consideration for one of them, I guess it didn't completely blow me out of the water, and I have learned my lesson.

Not much progress Monday, other than submitting a job application on campus, and buying myself a new notebook for defence Q&A scribbles.

Oh, and we watched part of Fiddler, which the tot loved (I figured he would) but I didn't have the heart to keep on with after he fell asleep. That is a long frigging movie! I wonder if I have watched the flip side of the disk even half as many times as I have watched the first half? Well, at least I tried - I know I will get at least one question on that movie at defence (even though it features in only one paragraph of my work), as it is the one "Jewish Movie" people have seen or recall off hand. However, let us hope their question is on the first half, and that they never flip the disk, either.

OK, on to some MS edits before I pass out.

Fame at Last

I got an email this morning from an "international publishing house," Lampert Academic Publishing, saying they had read my dissertation abstract on Academia.edu and would be pleased to consider my dissertation for publication once I am finished. I must admit there was a thrill of possibility in that first second of reading, but then came the "wait... there must be a catch?"

Well, a bit of research has confirmed they are indeed a publishing company, and they do sell academic type books, and they do pay you royalties once a year if the book ever turns a profit. However, it seems that they basically publish anything. So, I basically got hit up by a vanity press - just one that doesn't charge you.

I am not ranting about this, as I guess this would be an option if I didn't intend to continue in academics. You get one free copy, so that's nice, I guess. Yet, it is a bit of an annoyance, simply because there was a moment there where I was flattered/excited, before my better instincts kicked in. I was pleased to have an option in case Brandeis (who has already bought the right of first refusal) passes on it - which they certainly may do. So, it doesn't appear to be a scam, necessarily, but it is rather a let down.

Maybe I will offer them my MA thesis - if they publish that, they will certainly publish anything, and then we'll know for sure.

***

ETA: If one is interested in publishing grad research in a less shady way, there is always UMI, which is pretty well-respected, and they make no bullspit about wide international sales. To be honest, I actually am considering sending them my MA thesis, simply to say I did something with the damn thing.

A Word About Fans (the Electric Sort)

I am window shopping (no pun intended) for a new large fan, as my one from last summer pooped out. My little desk fan is still going strong, but there's really only so much it can do. I wanted a box fan to sit in the window, but I guess those are no longer in style or whatnot, and now "window fans" seem to be the shizznay (I am like so hip, man) - they are basically fans that look like A/C units. I found one some place at a reasonable price, and I am considering it.

Here's my question: I think you have to actually sit it in the window, which is the main reason I likely will not be getting one. How does one accomplish this with screened windows? Also, windows that slide right to left to open, and not the up and down types? Finally, how guilty would I have to feel about this energy-sucker?

So many annoying things in Real Life - distractions from my defence stuff. However, fans might distract, but it is difficult to do your best work while melting, so we will do what we can.

(Or I might just hold out for a nice, normal box fan that I can understand... New fangled is a polite way of saying "Unnecessary Pain in the Ass.")

Well, That was Depressing

Today, my folks put my graduation/birthday money into the bank. And I withdrew it and put it towards the rent. So, that's it.

Don't get me wrong, rent is a good thing to keep paid. But dumping my birthday present into its ever gaping maw just bums me the heck out.

So. I guess I blinked and missed my "fun money" for the summer. And it's still spring. :(

weird wki thought

now that i am close to finishing, when do i get my wiki page?

i'm tired.

18 Days til D-Day

I am frigging exhausted. Tot decided to resist sleep until nearly midnight tonight, so I am stuck staying up much later than I had hoped to get today's allotment done before sleep. But, I did my consistency check for Canadian spelling, and got rid of some of the one-shot things I wanted to fact check (i.e. Does Ostjuden have an umlaut? What exactly is the plural for bildungsroman in the Anglicized form?).

I also revamped the Spanglish section, having viewed it again tonight. (I think this will be a consistent process throughout the next few days - I will re-visit 30 film descriptions in the dissertation over the next few weeks as a I re-watch the films. Re-watching a handful of the 50 or so films I look at in the dissertation is essential prep for Q&A, as in some cases I have not seen the films I describe in a year or two. If someone asks me a question about a movie I watched a couple times back in 2006 or 2007, I am basically toast unless I make sure to refresh my tired memory.) On the plus side, I was reminded how much I do enjoy that movie, so prep is not all grunt work!

OK, now to read over my job app once more and then hit the hay - finally, thank heavens!

Films I Could Have (Would Have Liked to Have) Done More With

In case people ask, there were indeed films in this dissertation that I had to neglect, trim or skim over.

Some films I wish I had have spent more time on:

• Spanglish
• Mrs Delafield Wants to Marry
• Brooklyn Babylon
• Yentl
• Hester Street
• The Apprenticeship of Duddy Karavitz
• Two Lovers
• Flannel Pajamas
• Giving it Up
• Reality Bites

(I am sure there are more; I will update this list as I progress in my preparations.)

Viewing Schedule for Defence Prep

• Sun, May 2: Spanglish (2004)
• Mon, May 3: Fiddler on the Roof (1971)
• Tues, May 4: Corrina, Corrina (1994)
• Wed, May 5: Gentleman’s Agreement, (1947)
• Thurs, May 6: Chariots of Fire, 1981
• Fri, May 7: Keeping the Faith (2000)
• Sat, May 8: Along Came Polly (2004); There’s Something About Mary (1998); Meet the Fockers (2004); Meet the Parents (2000)
• Sun, May 9: Dirty Dancing (1987); When Harry Met Sally... (1989)
• Mon, May 10: Cemetery Club, The (1993)
• Tues, May 11: Prime (2005)
• Wed, May 12: Liberty Heights (1999)
• Thurs, May 13: Two Lovers (2008)
• Fri, May 14: Believer, The (2001)
• Sat, May 15: Sophie’s Choice (1983); Walk on the Moon (1999); Wedding Singer, The (1998)
• Sun, May 16: Way We Were, The (1973); What’s Up Doc? (1972)
• Mon, May 17: Crossing Delancey (1988)
• Tues, May 18: White Palace (1990); Price Above Rubies (1998)
• Wed, May 19: Zelig (1983); You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008)
• Thurs, May 20: Annie Hall (1977)

Perfect for My Party? Oh Yes.

I found this pic when searching for pics for below post. If I could find this in helium balloon form for my defence party, I'd be one happy camper.

I think they would literally scream "Mature Academic", no?

One of the Best Quotes Describing Teaching, Ever:

SpongeBob: Mrs Puff, may I be excused?

Mrs Puff: Why no, SpongeBob. I'm in the middle of a coffee fueled sermon right now. You can't afford to miss any of this information.

Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

19 Days til D-Day II: This Time it's Personal

My to-do schedule for the next while, which is likely of no interest to anyone but me - it's just handy to have this up on the blog for my own reference.

• Sun, May 2: MS Edits; Start Defence Prep Notebook
• Mon, May 3: MS Edits; Re-Read Key Chapters; Skim whole dissertation
• Tues, May 4: Filmography
• Wed, May 5: Filmography; Partial day off/movies and gelato!
• Thurs, May 6: Write and Practice Lecture; Set up meetings?
• Fri, May 7: Write and Practice Lecture
• Sat, May 8: Write and Practice Lecture; Read through book on romance genre; Review Lyden and anything else from comp list that might come up in Q&A
• Sun, May 9: Mother's Day (Day Off); Watch a few films off the list?
• Mon, May 10: Q&A Work on Secularism; MS Edits
• Tues, May 11: Q&A Work on Identity/Culture; MS Edits (Uni Format Check)
• Wed, May 12: Q&A Work on Diaspora and Folklore/Myth; Refine and Practice Lecture
• Thurs, May 13: External Report?; Print and Bind Working Copy; Mock Defence?
• Fri, May 14: Q&A Work on the films; Refine Lecture; Read Dissertation; Make Section Index
• Sat, May 15: Barth; Etzioni; Walzer; Fishman; Respond to external comments?
• Sun, May 16: Bowling Alone; Wartenberg; Boyarin; Taylor; Read some more stuff published by external.
• Mon, May 17: My Birthday (Day OFF - Picnic!); Watch a few films off the list?
• Tues, May 18: FINAL PREP; Meetings?
• Wed, May 19: FINAL PREP; Re-Read Proposal from 2007
• Thurs, May 20: FINAL PREP
• Fri, May 21: SHOW TIME!
• May 22 - May 31: Edits, printing, submission.

19 Days til D-Day

&%^*!$@#^#&!!!!!

ARGH!

My student ID/bus pass is YET AGAIN missing. The tot got a hold of my wallet, and I guess it was in there. Now it is missing YET AGAIN.

Another $20 blown on missing ID - plus, the price of the bus to get to campus in the first place, and I have to replace the thing pronto before I finish the degree and/or they ban me for non-payment. Oh, and let's not forget the fact that I can't renew my library books until I find it.

ARGH!

So... pissed... off.

ETA: Found it. Bugger had it well hidden, but this time mommy wins. (Jeesh - am I going to have to turn into one of those special lanyard kids? Maybe.)