It's Fair Cop

I got caught. I was trying to keep all my balls in the air, but my juggling isn't what it used to be. So I dropped one. Luckily, the world didn't end, but I feel a bit crappy about it, and now I have to dance faster to catch myself back up.

Fall is hell.

Again With the Funding Proposals

I'm back on the job. Yuck.

Happy Sukkot

The Jewish fall is a busy time - now it is time for Sukkot.

See you all again Saturday night.

(All the Jewish holidays get a big much in the Fall. After Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, I usually find myself just a bit annoyed when Sukkot comes. When am I supposed to get any frigging work done this month?)

I GOT THE JOB!

So now is time to do the happy dance of Extra Money!

YAY!

Tuesday's Here Again, and I'm Feeling OK

I am coming back to my old self, I think. Yesterday was a pretty bleak time for me for a while there, but I think I will survive. Again, nothing has changed but how I perceive things. But, then, such is the way with mental states.

I have a job interview this afternoon to proctor exams for the resources center - it means extra baby cash, so I hope I get it.

On that vein, I woke up yesterday with what I think is a baby bump. I guess the little pooper has decided to finally make himself/herself known.

In other news, it is Tuesday today, so I will once again be all tied up with Murph for some private time tonight. It's supposed to rain here, finally, so a bit of a snuggle down with the phone to the sound of the downpour might be just what the doctor ordered.

Emotional Crisis

I am lonely, and panicky. I am panicking. What have I done to my school career? I used to be really good at it. Now I can feel it all slipping away. Man, I suck.

I don't want to work on my external scholarship applications. I know I won't get one anything from it (again), even though EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON IN MY COHORT HAS ONE. So what's the point? Another year of humiliation? Why even try? Academics could have a swimsuit competition, and I wouldn't be less disgraced as these forking things make me feel. I don't know if I can handle it again. I feel like the department has given up on me, and that's why I am never allowed through in these money grabs. If they know I suck so badly, why don't they just kick me out and put me out of my misery? Is it because someone always needs to be the dud and in this group it's me? Or are they waiting to see if I drop out first?

Why do I have to be so bargain basement in everything I do?

OK, now I'm depressed, too.

Best eat. Maybe things will look brighter after that.

Motivational Crisis

I have work to do - perhaps too much to do, and that's why I'm frozen. But I can't do anything. I am just antsy and anxious, and I have no idea which way to turn. I'm a bit freaked out, actually.

It feels like I should just go to bed and hope for better things. But I can't. I need to force myself in some constructive direction, or it's all over for me.

Can't. Move. Frozen. In. Spot. ARGH!

Shout Out

Happy Birthday, Amanda!

(Sorry I can't be there this year.)

The Politics of Baby Blogging

And I am now back from holiday, yet again. And now the Jewish holy season is done. It was ok this year, but so strange since I opted not to fast for the baby's sake. That's the first time I passed a Yom Kippur without fasting in years.

I have been keeping a blog as a daily record of our baby's development - my meals and exercise and appointments, and such. It's a good tool for me to keep track of things and to keep myself mindful of the baby's needs and stages.

I have also taken to putting a little picture of a fetus at roughly the same level of development as our own on the sidebar, as a way to "watch" the baby grow.

But I have been bugged by something - I can't find any pictures of non-white babies in the womb. What the hell? Are they trying to say that all babies start out white and go on from there? Or do people not think to post fetal pictures of black children? Or, maybe, anti-abortion sites (from whence I get most of my fetal pictures) don't think black children tug at the heart strings as much as "innocent little white babies".

Jeeze. The majority rules, even in reproduction, I guess. It's really annoying and really quite scary.

One Thing Off the List... 15 More To Go

Well, I just sent off the final proof-read of my Benny article. Pretty exciting - now all that's left, I think, is to wait for the book's release in May 2008. Look for news coming soon.

Now, however, I must get back to the bazillion other things I have put off. Oh, yes, and I have to do it before Yom Kippur hits in like 4 hours. Yay.

Have a good weekend!

The Grocer of Despair

I won't wish Leonard a happy birthday. But I'll wish him many more.

The Unthinkable

I am going to turn off the computer and go outside.

:-o

Down

I guess this is what they call an emotional slump. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there, but at the same time I know that working and cleaning would help me. Either way, life seems like too much effort right now.

Groggy

I thought I taught today from 10.30 until 12.30, so I shoe-horned myself out of bed at 8am, only to actually read the syllabus and discover I don't have to teach until 11.30 (until 1.30).

On the one hand, this is kind nice: One free unexpected hour. On the the other - I am sooo tired I could cry, after the night I just got through.

Oh well, if I can survive until 2, I'll be fine...

3am

It's 3am. I'm tired. I have been woken up with massive, crushing anxiety. Not good.

Don't Wanna

I have to teach tomorrow, but I really don't want to. It's not that I don't like to teach - far from it, really. It's just that (1) the first class is usually a bit hard on my nerves, (2) I feel rusty, and (3) I really am too lazy to prepare today.

Why can't teachers skip? Frankly, that's unfair.

Long Day

Hellish long day. Everything's fine, but I am sooo tired.

Greasy

Just saw the Trailer Park Boys movie for the first time. Must say, it was a good time.

For now, though, I am up to my ears in paperwork for my pre-birth clinic at the local hospital - filling out all the admittance forms so we don't have to when I actually pop. What a good idea!

I am still behind in work. What else is new?

Holly's Back!

(Insert joke about how her front ain't bad, either, here.)

After a long holiday hiatus, I am back from Rosh HaShanah imposed silence. It was a good, reflective few days. I thought over some things, hopefully laid a few demons to rest, and generally took it easy. Now comes the fun of catching up with the work that I had to ignore!

Shanah tova, y'all!

Happy Rosh Hashanah!

Just What I Didn't Need

Monday night, it started with a dry feeling in my sinuses. Yesterday, it was a full blown head-cold. Let's hope it makes its run a limited one. Ugh.

Just What I Needed!

Just when I was tired and a little worried about scattered things, I got an email winging the proof of my book chapter to me. It is quite a thing, to see your first major publication in proof form - with pictures and everything! It has restored my soul, that's for sure.

Just in time for the New Year, too!

Do I Meet the Challenge?

You scored as Adorable, Adorable 95% Awesome 90% Astonishing 75% Aggravating 30% Annoying 20% Murph's First Challenge created with QuizFarm.com

September 10

Today is the 8th month of marriage mark for Murph and I, and, though I will be busy today and can't really celebrate with him on the phone or chat as well as I would like, the day does make me smile.

Also, on a sadder note, today, Charlotte, the daughter of my best friend from elementary school, Mel, would have been two had she not died so sadly young. I am sure a lot of thoughts will be with Mel and her husband Dave, as well as with little Charlotte, today.

First Day

Well, I am off to campus today for the start of my school term. The first lecture for the course I TA is tonight. I was going to work with my advisor, Dr. S., but scheduling problems made it necessary to move me to the same first year course as I TAed in 2006-06, Religion and Film. Not that I mind, really, as I want to learn how to teach film courses, but working with Dr. S would have let me work with Jewish subject matter for once, which would have been nice. Still, I plan on making the most of it. I teach on Wednesdays, and I look forward to getting back in the teaching saddle. It's been too long, and I think some of the muscles might have rusticated.

Oh, and I have a doctor's appointment today for a regular checkup. I'll keep you posted. Perhaps I will get to hear the heartbeat for sure today!

Robbed!

Some lousy b*st*rd out there stole my credit card number! Thankfully, the bank has dealt with all the online gambling and software purchases on there I didn't make, but I am now without a credit card for at least the next month as I wait for a new one to be issued. It's not that I use it so very much, but it still rankles me to be put out for someone else's nasty work.

Oh well, nothing we can do. People are piles of crap. Best to get used to that idea now, I guess.

Rain!

I am so glad it rained today. The ground needed it badly, and so did I.

Energy Up

Well, feeling a bit more human now. I got groceries, which makes me feel more comfortable here - empty pantry just makes me feel like life here isn't permanent or sustainable, for some reason. The apartment feels more like home when the larder is full, I guess. Also, I blasted through some issues I was having for a scholarship proposal. You know, I do tend to forget that I can actually be good at what I do in school. Re-reading that book chapter I wrote (forthcoming in May 2008) restored a bit of the old confidence.

Things might be looking up.

I Want to Be a Housewife

Getting ready to slog to campus for official business type crap, I suddenly felt depressed, as if I had been chasing after something my whole life that really didn't matter in the greater scheme of things. Perhaps this is just a passing hormone cloud, but I don't really think so. I have suddenly realized there is more to life than degrees and a tenure track position. Sometimes I think we trade our souls for the ephemeral illusion of success, when, really, I don't know that we have to go so bloody far.

You know, I think girls today are being ripped off. In school, we are all basically indoctrinated with this idea that you must go to school and get some sort of career, or else you are setting back the Women's Movement or something - as if staying at home and having kids is somehow equivalent to repealing the universal suffrage laws. This is unfair. Women's rights should be about increasing women's choices, not limiting them. I do feel a bit screwed over. These days, I am starting to think I could have survived quite happily as a housewife - given enough books around, a good husband, and some time for volunteer work, of course. I don't see how the rat race is that much of a better way to live.

You've come a long way, baby - only to find the secret to life isn't in a salary, afterall.

Dazed

Being back is horrible. On my own again, I think I have forgotten how to live. I wander around wondering what to do next, feeling levels of anxiety unwarranted by my practical situation. I feel like I am forgetting things, like some mystery appointment I was supposed to make it to this morning, yet it is not written down anywhere. Work, school, bills, grocery hunting... it all seems like this maze of hazards, and I don't know what to do with myself. The world is suddenly a lot less warm, friendly and inviting as it was just a few days ago. I don't like it. I have had enough of living alone, and it's only been two days since I got back. It's going to be a loooooooong couple of months until Murph can join me, I can see that already.

Well... what do normal people do? Eat, I guess. Shower. Make do. I guess that's where I'm at right now. Making do. Sounds like fun, no?

Is anybody out there?

Back in Ontario

Well, folks, I got back to K-W last night at around 8pm, and, after a quick bite, I found myself falling into a deep sleep for about 10 hours. That's what 13 hours on a bus will do to you, I guess.

Sorry for all the radio silence for the past few weeks, but, really, I was just concentrating on being there and having a good time. And I sure did. Murph and I camped out for two nights, swam nearly every day, shopped for the baby, watched a ton of movies, and generally relaxed and basked in each other's company. We even had a dinner-slash-pool-party for friends, just like a real couple! I am proud of us.

Sadly, I had to come home earlier than I had anticipated due to social/school obligations, but it was certainly good while it lasted. And if I cry randomly while wandering around my lonely apartment today, we'll just chalk it up to withdrawal.

So, I am back, Internet. Did you miss me?

PS> Felt the baby move for the first time a few days ago! Pretty thrilling, but also massively real, if you understand what I mean.