Well, You May as Well Laugh

If you have a choice between laughing and crying, crying just won't solve anything.

But, man, what a day!

With luck, I will be getting my PhD by June, so I am seeking teaching work. I've been a teaching assistant and done a boat load of guest lectures, etc, but have never run my own course by myself. Having a baby and such has left me slightly behind my classmates, as most of them have taught some class by now - so, basically, I'm the "special" kid.

But, I the found a perfect opportunity for my first "real" gig - a class that was perfect for me, within range of public transit, at the school where I did my previous degree. Sadly, though, I only found about this two days before the application deadline, so it was a bit of a scramble to make up a syllabus and design a coursepack, etc. However, I did it! The syllabus was tight, and the cover letter charming (if I do say so myself). I was feeling really good.

...

... Until today.

What a comedy of errors!

Since the deadline was today, I had to fax the application where normally I would have mailed it. But, as they listed the fax number, this was not a concern. Before heading out, I wondered if I should also email it, before faxing, in case the fax quality ended up shoddy. The chair of the dept is a prof I knew, as I had taken a seminar from him, so I thought to call to ask. Bad Move # 1.

Just before calling, the tot (who turns two on Sunday) was as good as gold. But the VERY MOMENT I dialed, all hell broke loose. Then the prof didn't answer, sending me to voice mail... I totally froze. As the seconds ticked by, I was totally aware of "you seem so friggin weird right now - SAY SOMETHING OR HANG UP." Then, of course, there's the split second debate of whether, if they have call display, will your number show up as a hang-up, and, if so, will that look weirder than your muddled message. Quickly (though seriously not quickly enough), I made a decision, and, amidst toddler squeals, said something about having a question about the application, but that I would call the dept admin assistant.

Hanging up, I bit back some profanity as I realized I had indeed left my full name on that travesty. So, now I looked like an idiot, as well as what I am - a mom with a small child. Everyone wants to hire one of those, right???

The admin assistant was not in, so I made an executive decision and emailed the application, explaining that it was in case of fax error, etc., but that I would fax it shortly.

So, time to get ready to leave. We ended up missing the bus due to someone's desire to play the "mommy's-in-a-hurry-so-I-better-hide-my-boots" game that is ever so popular around here these days, making a trip to my office on campus not really possible. So, determined, I set out to walk to the post office to send my fax before the deadline of 4pm...

Well, the world seems in the throws of Ragnarok out there, and the driving snow forced me to abandon the mission half way when I found a little convenience store where the lady said they sent faxes. Bad Move #2.

ONE HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER the lady finally said she thought it had sent. Mind you, she was a very nice lady, so I really tried to be chipper, but... WTH? Sure, it was a ten page application, but 75 minutes? Really? (All while rolling a very upset baby around the cramped store and trying to avoid a screaming fit, btw.)

Anyway, she said she thought it sent. So I said, "OK, are you sure?" Yes, she said - SHE HAD SENT IT FOUR TIMES, TO BE SURE.

FOUR TIMES.

FOUR.

So, by this point, to the recipient, I look like amateur hour at the School for the Criminally Stupid. That admin assistant must have been sitting in her office for that last hour wondering what kind of moron figured out how to play with the fax machine. And... there was my name.

On four copies.

So, finally, screaming toddler in tow, I left the store after paying a hugely inflated fax fee. Only to find that Ragnarok had turned into the seventh layer of hell if that were melded with Antarctica. Seriously. Penguins were languishing in the ditches. It was really not good.

Making our way home, over sidewalks that were not shoveled, I was eventually forced to remove my overcoat to add some extra shielding to the stroller. So, dejected and freezing, we retraced our steps home.

We must have looked fairly pathetic because a nice young couple stopped and offered us a ride. Having no carseat, and never without the lessons of Karla Homolka and Paul Bernardo far from my mind, I said no, but man alive how I wanted to say yes. We weren't far from home, but at this point I seriously felt like crying.

(Luckily, though, tot was extremely well protected, so it was just a matter of discomfort for me - he was so well packed, he could have been in Biodome III for all he knew. Meanwhile, I am still shivering.)

So, finally, after arriving home, I called my mum, feeling like breaking down in sobs. I didn't, because I know how that sort of thing upsets her. But, I knew at that point that I should write that job off as lost (that way, if I do get a call, it will be a pleasant surprize... or miracle, I should say), so I could feel depression oozing from every pore on my body. I was miserable, cold and embarrassed.

But just then it occurred to me. This experience was, though horrible, an epic misadveture that I will, one day, look back on and laugh about... so why wait?

To my mother's surprize, I just about busted a gut.

My life... ever surprizing. You really may as well laugh right?

... So, I guess that's my point for today... how is everyone else doing?

A little Hamantashen?

Purim approaches, and we are on the mend from the sicks, so feast preps begin this week in earnest!

Sour Cream-Yeast Dough Hamantaschen - DAIRY OR PAREVE - YIELD: 25 LARGE PASTRIES

Dough
2 1/4 teaspoons dry yeast
1/4 cup lukewarm milk (nondairy milk for pareve)
1/2 cup sugar, divided
2 cups flour, divided
1/2 cup butter (or margarine)
1/2 cup sour cream for dairy (nondairy sour cream for pareve)
2 large eggs, beaten well
1/4 teaspoon salt
Poppy seed, prune, apricot, cherry, raspberry or Double-Chocolate Filling


Directions

1. Heat oven to 350°F, 10 minutes before baking. Line cookie sheets with parchment.
2. Mix yeast, milk (or nondairy milk), 1/4 teaspoon sugar and 1/4 cup flour. Let rest 20 minutes.
3. Cut butter or margarine into flour in large bowl.
4. Add yeast mixture and remaining ingredients. Mix to smooth dough, adding flour until dough is no longer sticky. Cover with plastic wrap and chill overnight.
5. Roll out 1/4-inch thick on floured surface, fold into thirds and roll out again. Fold and roll twice more. This makes a very rich, flaky, but not sweet pastry.
6. Roll out, cut with 3 1/2-inch cookie cutter and fill.
7. Fold up sides in a triangle, leaving almost no filling exposed. The cookies will open as they proof and bake. Brush liberally with Egg-Honey Wash. Cover and let rise 30 minutes. Bake 15 to 20 minutes until golden brown. Cool.
8. Store in airtight container for up to 2 days. May be frozen.

Egg-Honey Wash: Beat 2 large eggs with ½ cup honey and brush tops of unbaked yeast Hamantaschen.

MMMM!

I AM

Fear is Like a Wilderland

So Sad and So Beautiful

Some More Friday Beats

Awesome

Gordon Lightfoot's Not Dead, According to Him.

Gordon Lightfoot's management says an Internet hoax created false rumours that the iconic Canadian folksinger had died Thursday.

Bernie Fiedler, Lightfoot's concert promoter, said the rumour started on Twitter.

"I just spoke to Gordon," Fiedler said in an interview, noting the singer was in good health. "He just got out of the dentist."

Lightfoot told CP24 Thursday afternoon that he has no idea what began the rumour he had died. "I was quite surprised to hear it myself driving in . . . to my office," he said. "I haven't had so much airplay for weeks."

http://www.canada.com/health/Gordon+Lightfoot+death+hoax/2582156/story.html

Glad to hear it.

OK...

Got some stuff done last night, so dissertation may not sink after all.

Today, or possibly tomorrow, depending on the weather, I must head out and get some stuff done, and get online and take care of some very important forms.

SO... MARCH. DOUBLE TIME.

Feb is Waning

OH HOLY POOP. How is it the 18th already? I am so screwed, as I have so many Real Life things that have fallen behind, my mind reels... from student loan red tape to health card crap to rent, I am not prepared for March, and the bitch is creeping just around the corner.

Crap.

Facing Up to a Huge Mistake

I am beginning to realize what a huge error I have made putting together my advisory committee. One member, in particular. I have come to see that I may never be able to fit what that member wants, because we see things in a fundamentally opposite way.

And the fact that they have come out of no where to hamstring me at the zero hour is just vile. I got nothing from this person for months, now all of a sudden BAM.

I cannot think in terms of strict academic disciplines. I can't tell you whether my work is for film scholars or Jewish Studies scholars or cultural studies, etc... I just can't. I don't know if this is something they pulled the other kids aside to explain and I was sick that day or what, but I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

You know who my audience is? ANYONE WHO WANTS TO READ THE F*CKING THING. How's that for precision?

Honestly. They all look at me as if this should be something I can easily comprehend and fix, but WTF? I CANNOT. I just don't get it. Perhaps I am just too stupid to do a dissertation afterall, but I cannot.

This is driving me crazy. Bad, bad move.

To say "I don't want this person on my committee" is too light. "I don't even want this person at my defence" is more like it.

AARRRRRGH.

So, Maybe Not

Bursary people have alerted admin that they do need more time to process the bursaries, so it looks like I will not be booted, after all. What a roller coaster!

Though, I did have to admit to them, just now, that I will likely now be defending in mid-May, not mid-April, as I intended just weeks ago... so let's see if my help suddenly retreats.

Deregistration

Well, come March 4th, I guess I am gonesville. I thought that some inquiries I had made were going to spare me, but it doesn't look like that now. There is still a very slim chance my bursary will be processed in time, but, let's face it, people who work in offices would only rush if their troll doll collection was on fire.

Perhaps it is for the best, anyway, since dissertation is going to the dogs, anyway.

Now... So what to do with my life...?

Brutal

According to the good people on the public health line, there is a good chance what the tot and I are crawling out from under was Norwalk, and not some run-of-the-mill flu. The good news is that, typically, Norwalk is shorter than the flu... the bad news is that it is about 10X worse in a shorter period. In addition, the virus can survive on pretty much every surface in your house for weeks after an outbreak, so I have been disinfecting like mad, since most everything was doused with viral grossness, or at least touched by hands that had been.

I am really paranoid about re-contracting this devil-virus, so I have been dragging my zombie-like carcass around all bloody day doing laundry and shining surfaces. I even bought clorox wipes, which is fairly uncharacteristic of me, but seemed preferable to lugging around a bucket of hot water in this condition.

So, I have put all serious thought on hold today, and possibly tomorrow, and will give more consideration to what's going on with my mess of a dissertation after I have regained some mental and physical strength. Right now, my nerves are shot and my brain is far too muzzy.

All of that crap will still be there in a few days, I am sure.

As for now - broth and bedrest. Yes!

HOW?

How does something go from "great" in January to "crap" in February?

Where was I during that transition?

I GIVE UP

I quit. That's it. No more. If the committee basically waits until the semi-last draft to tell me it's shit (basically, I think they didn't read the thing until now), than I am done. I'm not dicking around with this any more. I am done. I GIVE UP.

ill x 2

Tot is, thankfully, on the mend, I think. He's still not as lively as he usually is, but he's keeping food down, and I have hopes that a good night's sleep will really set him on the path to recovery.

I, on the other hand, just started, and I really have to say - I can't believe tot was so well-mannered while barfing like this.

ugh.

A Dissertation by Alan Smithee

My work is being ruined in post-production.

Do you think they'd let me take my name off it?

ill

Poor tot hasn't been well today. He was up at 5am throwing up, and continued until naptime. This afternoon, it's been the poops, but he has been able to eat, so I am sure he's coming around. Poor little guy has really kept his good mood going, though. I know it is so not fun for him not to be able to play as he normally does, but I have hopes that tomorrow will be better. Tonight might be rough, but at least he seems on the mend. As for me, my stomach is not feeling the best, but that might be many different factors - I just cross my fingers that if I get sick, I can wait until the babe is out of the woods, so I can give him my full attention.

Poor fella. It's rough being little.

away

I have to run off to campus today, which is not exactly something I want to do right now, but having errands may be for the best, really. I have to pick up a marked draft of chapter one, so I can spend the weekend doing more cuts. Yay!

So it's Come to This: University Food Stamps

I have just been informed that the grad dept cannot prevent me from getting deregistered, but that they might have some food stamps for me.

I feel like such a loser.

???

Again... I have a lot to do, but I am frozen with indecision on what to do next. The sheer number of piddly things overwhelms my ability to choose and stick with a task.

Some sort of meld between PTSD and ADHD.

WANTED URGENTLY: One Available PhD in Jewish Studies or Film Free for April

We are having major trouble finding an external reviewer for my dissertation who is free to travel here in April (or even teleconference or webcam). My first two choices are not; my third has yet to respond... It's getting hairy.

So, I sent my advisor a list of about 14 new options; I am not taking any more chances. I'd ask a janitor as long as s/he was from an outside university at this point. Man, the bureaucracy of defending is beyond belief!

Just for kicks, I added two Giants in my field to the list, figuring "what do I have to lose?" There's no way in heck they're available. However, I am fairly certain I would immediately poop my pants if I found out they were willing.

Perhaps they will be free - you know, like they always say that the pretty girls in high school are wanting for dates because no one asks, thinking they are out of their league or all booked up. That's a total lie, btw, but what if that's the case with these guys?

Yup. I'd foul myself. Immediately.

Weather

We have to venture out this morning, as we are low on essentials, but man, it's gross out there. I'm putting off our large errands (campus mailbox check; picking up a parcel for a certain little birthday boo) until the weather gets better - hopefully tomorrow. But, for now, we are in need of eggs and milk, and baby appetites wait for nothing - not even weather. Wish us luck. :(

Also, Bell Sucks

How many times will I have to tell Bell, and its various branches and mutations, that I am not interested in anything they are pushing, and to put me on their Do Not Call list... or take me off their Do Call List? (I word it both ways, just in case.)

Jerks.

Money Sucks, "H's Theme" (Reprise)

Well, the uni wants its tuition, and is starting to crank up the threats, just as I am setting the date for my public defence. I am so filled with anxiety. I keep checking my bank account in hopes of a Capraeque miracle of some sort. No luck with that, as of yet.

Dang.

Cuts are a Pain in the Bibliography

Tired of hearing multiple small updates on dissertation progress? Yes? Too bad, as it's my blog, and this is, sadly, WHAT MY LIFE IS RIGHT NOW. Sigh.

In any case, I am now facing the crappulance of combing through the dissertation and making sure all the citations only used in cut out bits are removed from the works cited. Blah. Blah. BLAH.

The best apart of this has to be that some day soon, when the thing is returned to me, all bound and pretty, I will open it up and see a million small errors that have somehow escaped my dragnet. And I will weep with the futility of it all.

Yup.

Defence Questions

Time to start thinking of questions I will have to deal with.

Some ideas:

- What is the significance of NYC in both romcoms and the Hollywood image of Jews? Might the difference noted in the dissertation be more a locational than religious one?

- What are the greatest weaknesses of your work? The strengths? Where should the work go now? Who do you see as your prime audience?

- Does it matter whether or not the filmmakers had these things in their minds when they made the films?

Abstract

This week, I must write the draft of my dissertation abstract (max. 350 words). The plan is to be intriguing, useful, searchable, comprehensive AND short. Great.

I hate, hate, hate writing abstracts, even for small papers... I can only imagine how fun it will be to do one for a 350 page work.

Hey! I know: One word from each page!

Job done. Awesome.

Also:

It seems I have bred a major Phil Collins fan. Sigh.

I need a drink.

Gack!

OK... Woke up to an email from Advisor. It seems I must CUT MY FRIGGING INTRODUCTION and move up the preface, while jiggling some stuff around, etc. WTF?

Can anyone explain to me why I am just now hearing about this?

So Many Typos

I can only sadly shake my head.

Re-reading the dissertation today, as I need to slide all my periods to after the in-text refs rather than before (I am a bass-ackwards type of gal), and I am finding a ton of errors - even misspellings! WTF? This thing has been read over by me a couple times, by my advisor a couple of times, and by two other supervisors! How are there still so many typos?

I fear it will never be typo-free. They're like Tribbles or something, and multiply quicker than I can weed them out.

Balls.

Time Off - Not All It's Cracked Up to Be

I'm taking the evening off... so now what?

Dull, dull, dull. May as well be working.

Pfft.

Annoyance

Also, the comp has been giving me a hard time... It's running like an abacus with arthritis. I was going to spend the day cleaning the apartment; I might spend my night tonight cleaning out the comp.

But soon, in a couple of months, I might be able to burn off and delete five years of dissertation/PhD work, so the thing might feel like a brand new machine without that load weighing it down.

So will I, come to think of it.

Hope

I got assigned two more students to tutor this term, bringing the total up to three. Let's hope they need me for lots of help, but not all at once. I really need the cash.


ETA: Turns out, the lady who matches students with tutors reckons my higher hourly wage bracket (being a PhD student) might be scaring the students away, despite the fact they get bursaries to cover tutoring costs; they might be just skimping so they can keep the extra bursary.

Dammit.

Nothing like getting priced out of the market, eh?

Invoice

Got a threating email from the university, but no specifics on kicking me out, so I think I can wait a bit longer... It's like playing financial chicken.

A New Addition to My Favourite Sites:

This one.

Movie posters are an under-appreciated art form. Also a lesser-known treasure trove of idiocy.

Life is Funny

Had to print out and sign, and then scan/email, some paper work for my defence, but the printer just wouldn't work. It wasn't taking in the paper, and kept saying there wasn't any in there. Very upsetting, since that 3-in-1 printer is basically one of my prized possessions and one of the few splurges I have ever really made - it is getting old, though, so I feared the worst. (Besides, the tot is a maniac with the poor old thing, so who knows how long it has to live?)

Anyway, got in there and started fishing around, and found... a big purple jumbo crayon... wedged into the paper feed.

So, all is well. Removed the offending item, and managed to complete my paper work task. But, man, the life I lead now is nothing like it was even two years ago. Sometimes this just strikes me with such clarity. This was one of those times.

Also: I just put in paper work for an April defence! Imma throw up now.

Frustrations

I am doing a guest lecture tomorrow, and am trying to pull it together today. It's not a big deal, being only about 45 minutes, and in an area I am pretty solid in. However, I am going nuts over the details - the prof has not responded to any of my questions about the assignment this relates to, the AV capabilities in the room, what films they are doing, etc. It's starting to drive me nuts, actually.

I can go in there blind if I have to... But, really, why should I have to?


ETA: I think I am going to call her this afternoon if I can. Emails are easier to ignore than a phone call, I think.

And Away it Goes...

Second draft submitted, and the forms for my defence are going in once they get passed around for signatures.

I feel so sick to my stomach right now. The butterflies must be wearing their clogs.

Wisdom for Today

If you notice, after some minutes of working along unmolested, that the baby is being very quiet, you are already way too late. If he's being that quiet, he already has something he is really not supposed to touch.

Remember - if he's not harassing you, he's harassing your stuff.


(Side note: Anyone know if they make alarms for laptops?)

Only Writers Bleed

Tonight, I burn with a million small slices. I call upon the courage to cut - pages... pages representing hours of my life. Yet, I know the pruning is essential for the strength of the whole.

But, I must admit... it hurts.