Stepping Away

I'm really struggling to keep my head up - I have been so depressed it was hard to breathe. I started to feel better, but it seems that has drawn the attention of those people and entities that love to piss on you when you are pulling yourself out of the hole.

So, no more internet, no more phone, no more nothing.

I am no longer available to be shit on. Sorry for the inconvenience this may cause.

?

Why doesn't life have a rewind button?

Evaluated

I got my midterm course evaluation feedback today - I had the school administer an anonymous survey to my class last Monday to see if they are liking the class so far.

I was really nervous, b/c if they hated it I would have to stand up there for six more weeks knowing that, but I wanted to improve if I could, so I did it. It's really hard to tell with students these days if I'm getting through. They sit there on their laptops the whole time, or just staring at me, so I needed to find out.

There was some negative/critical stuff, which I expected (and which is good, b/c it's good to know how to change things now rather than at the end of term when I can't do anything about it any more), but quite a lot of good stuff. I am making some adjustments in response, but, over all, it seems they are enjoying it more than I thought, I think.

One kid wrote: "Keep being awesome!"

Tired... So Tired...

For my online class, I have about 80 papers to mark before tomorrow night - only 500 words each, but still. I prepped for Monday's class today and polished up the take home midterm handout, so that's a good thing, but I also have about 20 reader responses to mark for that class by Monday.

I also have two publication projects and a conference paper to write, a job app to do, and a student loan related thingy to get done... And next week, I will have more online quizzes and 60 midterms to mark.

So Spring Break is already shot before it even arrives.

Yep. Mid-term whammy has hit me hard, and I wanna sllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Busy.

Teaching is going along okay, but am behind in my marking. Generally, keeping my head above water, but with little time to spare.

Already wishing for Spring Break - just a few more weeks!

What I see right now:

Sprout, wearing a red and green shirt and a pair of blue/black/green stripped leggings, with a green basket on his head, sitting (fully clothed) on his potty, and dancing wildly to banjo music.

"Free spirit" is putting it mildly.

Where's Your Loincloth?

Watching the Disney Tarzan with the tot this morning - he looked at the little boy Tarzen and pointed, and said, "That me!"

Yes, I think it is officially past time he had a hair cut.

Class Rehash

That didn't go too great, really. I lectured, but I didn't know whether I was getting to them at all. They just sat there... because I was too simple and boring, or because I was talking over their heads...? I have no idea.

The video clip did get their attention, so things went a bit better in the second half of class, but that first half was a bit awkward.

Oh well. I've got 11 more weeks to get it right, I guess.

Today's the Day

My in-class course has its first class tonight. I have my Power Point and notes, and the video is all set to go. A little bit nervous, but not too bad (so far). I put everything away by 8 or 9 last night, so I wouldn't obsess. Sadly, though, I made the error of staying up to watch Blow because I couldn't settle down to sleep. Man, that thing was depressing.

But, off to drop tot off to daycare soon, and then off to campus.

Wish me luck!

Interview Update

It went really well, I thought.

I almost had a stroke at first though... 2.59, no Skype call... 3.02, no Skype call... 3.03, no Skype call... I started freaking about whether my privacy settings were not letting them contact me, or maybe I was wrong and Penn is in a different time zone, etc. haha - Panic is fun! Anyway, they did call, and the tech stuff was pretty much glitchless (for once).

The actual interview was fine, I think. I droned a little on some questions, and I flubbed one of them (sorta), but I totally frigging nailed a couple questions I couldn't possibly have anticipated ("What are the main differences between teaching Native American religion to Canadian students versus American students?" WTH?) - so that has to count for something.

However, I just got an email reply to my "thank you" in which the interviewer ended with "All the best," which of course makes me start thinking I am out of the running... Pretty silly to let wording run away from me, but it can't really be helped. Nerves happen.

In general, quite okay. Fingers crossed on getting a second interview.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I have my preliminary job interview with Big American University via Skype. I am not entirely sure how to prepare for that, but I am digging through the uni and dept websites, and the CVs of the people who I "meet" with, as well as refreshing my memory about my own CV and my dissertation.

I suspect there will be questions such as, "Tell us about a great teaching experience," and "Give us an example of a difficult teaching experience and how you handled it," which are questions I still have no answer for. Mostly, I think it will be a meet-n-greet, to see if I am worth bringing down for the real interview and audition... So, basically I have to convince them I am worth making the next round.

Now... How does one do that?

Coaxial Cable Hunting

So, it turns out my phone wasn't working because my coaxial cable was holding on by a thread. (The one leading from the net hookup to the phone terminal, since my phone co is a bunch of tools and decided digital phone was somehow the way to go - sigh).

Being a very helpful sort of bear, Sprout finally snapped that last tether, making me realize the problem causing my phone to blink out randomly now for days. I knew it wasn't healthy, but I thought it was the network or the modem causing the issues. duh.

Anyway, once the tot wakes from his nap, we are off to make an unexpected trip to the drug store/dollar store - anywhere they might have such an item. The tech on the chat said I could go to one of their outlets and get one for free, but since I had no clue how to get to the location he gave me, I think I'm better off spending the buck or two, rather than getting lost out in the snow.

So - wheee!

I Feel Like Poop - Mean Poop, at That...

Well, Sprout is at daycare... and I am sitting here alone for the first time in about seven or eight months - the last time I had the apartment to myself was the day before my dissertation defence, I think. Man, it's eerie.

He cried and cried. And I tortured myself by standing outside the door listening to the "mooooooooommmmmyyyy!" for about a minute, before I couldn't take it any more and ran. I do hope he enjoys himself, though he looked so small and confused. :(

I don't like this.

***
ETA: When do you think is too soon to call and check in?

***

ETA2: Sprout made it through his first day in fine shape, and so did I. :)

sadness, guilt and indecision

I feel awful about sending Sprout to daycare. Today's the day, but I have this urge to call him in sick today - take one last week together. (He only goes on Mondays and Tuesdays.)

I feel guilty about sending him on a day I am not actually teaching in-class, like I am shuffling him off without a good enough reason. Sure, there are things I can do (cleaning, writing, computer stuff), and I have my online teaching tasks, etc, but it just seems so wrong to dump in at daycare and then come back home. If I'm here, then he should be, too. I have never ditched him for no good reason before, and I feel like crying.

Still, I don't really want his first day to be the day I am not near a phone... But this is killing me a bit. :(

Ingrate!

We've packed the tot's book bag with his water bottle and such, and the satchel containing the things we have to leave in his locker at the centre (diapers, toiletries, blanket, change of clothes). All that's left is to sneak his sock monkey into his backpack for nap time.

He is currently sitting in the front hall of the apartment with his backpack on, telling me it's time to go. The little ingrate.

Oh, and my phone box keeps dying and rebooting every half hour or so... I guess I shouldn't have cancelled my tech appointment, after all. sigh.

Tomorrow is the big day - no tot from 9am til 4pm. I am a little flustered as to what to do with myself. Let's just hope the phone works well enough for me to call a couple times to reassure myself he is doing okay.

How did he get old enough for daycare so soon, anyway???

:(

Panic

Woke up this morning in a major state of anxiety - I thought I had overslept and missed something really important, like work or class, etc... It makes sense, I guess, since today is the last day before everything starts off and running. Today, I have lots to do to prepare - laundry, and the phone tech guy is coming to figure out why my phone line dies every couple of hours and reboots continually.

Tomorrow, the real stress begins: Sprout starts daycare, so I am in knots about that, making sure his little bag is packed with his supplies and so forth. Lots of maternal hand-wringing going on there. I hope he likes it.

Tomorrow, the online course also begins, and I still am not certain what the hell I am supposed to do with the thing.

Thursday, I have my Big Scary Job Interview via Skype with a uni in the States, for a job I never, ever thought I would even have a shot at. I have no idea how to even prepare for that, aside from polishing my webcam lens.

Then, next Monday, not only does Sprout start daycare for his two days a week, but I start teaching, with my first actual class. It's a little horrifying.

So, add to that all the work I need to get done this month, and I am a little freaked out. But, today is still a holiday, so I need to breathe and stay calm. Cleaning, laundry, spending time with the tot... Calm.

Really, not calm... But working on it.

***

ETA: I just had the extreme pleasure of cancelling my phone tech appointment, since the phone seems to be doing fine now (since about 4pm last night). The guy on the phone ran a test, and he said it looked fine from his end, as well. I suspect it was a system problem that had nothing to do with my phone box, anyway. In any case, phone is working and I don't have a tech guy infiltrating my home today. So, now my day is clear to work, do laundry and prepare the tot and I for the onslaught we face this week. Now, to explain "daycare" to the poor kid...

Resolutions, 2011 Edition

2010 has been quite a year. I had my first professional fiction published, got my first academic job and my first real interview (coming up in January!), finished and received my PhD... All that has been wonderful. I have also spent the entire year living hand to mouth without a job, scraping and dodging, and trying to come up with every month's rent like a crisis. I guess you could say 2010 has been the best of times and the worst of times. I'm kind of glad it's over, but I have done a lot and made a lot of progress, so I am happy it went the way it did. It could have been more comfortable, but we survived.

So, now, in the last week of 2010 - some goals for the upcoming year.

1. To continue writing and improving at my writing, since i does make me happy, but to make it a smaller part of my waking hours.

2. To increase my academic publishing and conference record for the CV.

3. To continue to strive for a permanent teaching job, or, failing that, to secure term-by-term contracts all year so I don't have to deal with unemployment in 2011. Or, failing even that, to save as much as I can during the good times so the lean times won't be so stressful.

4. To do really, really well at my teaching - I need good evaluations for the job hunt, and I want to make myself proud of me.

5. To generally live a better life. Be healthier, keep a better home, stay on top of things and be less stressed. To enjoy my time with the tot more, and be a happier person. To have a better life, in all the big and small ways I can do that.

Happy 2011!

panicky

I have anxiety nausea, for some reason, and a deep feeling of dread, like bad things are going to happen. I hope it's just a weird paranoia feeling that will pass, but it is making me antsy. Trying to take a few deep breaths and calm down, but it's not working so far.

I have a ton of work to do tonight, but I am thinking of hitting the hay early with a book. Then again, doing some of that work might alleviate my anxiety, so I don't know.

Holy Carp - So Behind

This last week of sickness has really blown my plans to hell and back. I had been procrastinating a bit in "early December," thinking I could recoup later... but, then, chest colds hit and now I am boned. Now it is nearly "end of December," and I haven't even put a dent in my list, really - actually, I have even added tasks. :(

Work that Needs Immediate Attention:

• Need to complete Valentine's Day short story ASAP
• Need to re-write academic chapter ASAP
• Need to write 17 articles for an encyclopedia project by Jan 15 (new paying gig, added this week)
• Need to prep for my courses (ongoing)
• Need to finish up day care paperwork today so I can take it in tomorrow
• Bills and banking and such ASAP
• Prep for job phone interview...? (Not even sure how exactly to prep for that.)
• Try to get a handle on housework before teaching starts, esp laundry.

I also have a couple nifty blog posts in mind to do when I have a moment, so we'll see if I have some time. I will at least do my end of year wrap up and resolutions at some point this week. I would really like to finish up and polish my NaNo novel so I can submit it, so I can start on my Winter 2011 novel project. sigh... I'm going to stop thinking of what I need to do now, since the list just keeps growing.

WORK WORK WORK...

So Bizarre

I was Googling myself (you know, like one does occasionally to see what's out there), and I came across someone's thesis in PDF that uses extensively a chapter I wrote a couple of years ago. It's an odd feeling to read oneself written about like a real expert.

Very, very odd.