Resolutions, 2011 Edition

2010 has been quite a year. I had my first professional fiction published, got my first academic job and my first real interview (coming up in January!), finished and received my PhD... All that has been wonderful. I have also spent the entire year living hand to mouth without a job, scraping and dodging, and trying to come up with every month's rent like a crisis. I guess you could say 2010 has been the best of times and the worst of times. I'm kind of glad it's over, but I have done a lot and made a lot of progress, so I am happy it went the way it did. It could have been more comfortable, but we survived.

So, now, in the last week of 2010 - some goals for the upcoming year.

1. To continue writing and improving at my writing, since i does make me happy, but to make it a smaller part of my waking hours.

2. To increase my academic publishing and conference record for the CV.

3. To continue to strive for a permanent teaching job, or, failing that, to secure term-by-term contracts all year so I don't have to deal with unemployment in 2011. Or, failing even that, to save as much as I can during the good times so the lean times won't be so stressful.

4. To do really, really well at my teaching - I need good evaluations for the job hunt, and I want to make myself proud of me.

5. To generally live a better life. Be healthier, keep a better home, stay on top of things and be less stressed. To enjoy my time with the tot more, and be a happier person. To have a better life, in all the big and small ways I can do that.

Happy 2011!

bad dream

Last night, I dreamt that I, for some reason, decided to go grocery shopping at an all-night shopping mall a long bus ride away, and took the tot with me, without the sling or the stroller. I just had my little gym bag, so I am not sure what I planned on getting. I seem to recall it was something "fun" - like a desperate attempt to bring some joy into our lives.

Anyway, on the way into the store, Sprout was acting up, so I decided to buy him a muffin at the Tim's, despite the long, long lineup, before I did my shopping. Everyone was super-crabby, and the server was terrible. She kept ignoring people at random and slamming things. An hour past, it seemed, and still no muffin. I tried to make small talk with someone in the lineup, only to get bitched out, so I was pretty downcast by this point. Meanwhile, the tot had sat down at a table with his little dump truck, and was chattering at a bunch of teenagers sitting close by.

I don't know why, but in the dream, I just stood there, and was not really paying attention to what the tot was doing. I just stood, waiting to get that stupid muffin.

Suddenly, I decided to give up and just go home, but when I turned, the tot was gone!

For some reason, I ran into the adjacent laundry mat, and, again - I don't know why, I flung open a washer that had just started to fill with water. There was Sprout, asleep, on a bundle of laundry, with extremely hot water soaking the first couple of inches of clothes under him. Otherwise, he was fine, but I dread to think about what would have happened had I not gotten to him.

My heart pounding, I went back into the Tim's and demanded to know who had done this thing. One of the teens at the table near where Sprout had been sitting just glared at me, coldly. I screamed at him to tell me what he'd done, saying, "Don't you know what would have happened?"

He just casually, coldly shrugged, asking me where the hell I had been.

I stumbled over my explanation that I was trying to get a muffin, and the teens all just laughed. I was coming right back for him, I defended myself. "Shoulda, woulda, coulda," the teen sniped... And I knew he was right, that I had let Sprout down, and failed in my responsibilities. If he had drowned it would have been my fault.

The cold glares of everyone in the place cut me.

And then I woke up - feeling miserable. It took me a long while to reassure myself that it hadn't actually happened. It was just a dream.

But it is a clue that, somewhere, deep down, I am worried I am not living up to my responsibilities. I am turning my back. I am not paying attention. I am not doing what I should. I'm simply not trying hard enough to make sure Sprout is safe and cared for.

I know I would never, ever behave in real life as I did in the dream, and ignore him in a public place where anything like that could happen to him... But, I may be falling asleep at the financial switch, and other responsibilities I need to keep on top of to make sure he's housed and fed, and safe.

I need to do better.

What a terrible dream.

nightmares

I had horrible nightmares last night, in which someone was trying to steal away my son, while I scrambled around trying to hide him. I was tired, and carrying him while running got so hard, but I knew I just had to keep going.

At first, we were inside this big, unfamiliar house and the man was trying to get in - so I bolted all the doors and windows, and moved heavy furniture in front of the doors (all while not being able to put the baby down, lest I lose him in the dark). Then we tried hiding in different rooms and closets, etc. But. then, somehow I realized the killer/kidnapper/whatever was inside with us. So I had to get outside - there I was struggling to move the furniture away one-handed again, so we could get out. It was dark out, though there was a moon, and I didn't know the land - it seemed very much like Wuthering Heights outside, and really full of sharp brambles. I think I saw people, but they were unable/unwilling to hear/help me.

It was possibly the most frightened I have ever been. I willed myself to wake up, but I didn't for a while. Finally, I did, and laid there crying and hugging my son for a while. Eventually, I calmed down and was able to go back to sleep. Only to have the same dream! This happened several times. I'm a complete wreck today.

I have a job interview tomorrow, and I really need to get it... I pray I am able to get sleep tonight...

ugh

Horrible dreams have ruined my peace of mind.

Save Me

Am praying for a freak power outage or something on campus that will necessitate a call from the doctor's office telling me my super-colossal-invasive-exam will have to be canceled. Ugh. Anything but this.

I had a dream last night that I was preparing to swim the English Channel, and it was "filmed" like the move Chariots of Fire... do you think that has anything to do with the dread and the amount of mental preparation it takes to have a nudie appointment with a quack saw-bones?

Lordy. Save me!

droopy

What on earth has happened to my sleep? I was up all night last night, got two hours of sleep this morning, and a half hour nap this evening. I am still up, I think, though it would not be unusual for me to blog in my dreams.

Of course, I see no giant koala bear dressed as Madame Blavatsky serving pink ice cream from the bathroom taps, so this is not at all like my usual dreams.

So tired. So hyper. So confused.

Dreams

You ever have one of those days in which your sleep life is better than the one you find yourself waking up to?

Doesn't that ruin a perfectly good after-nap afternoon when you discover that?
*

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin', Keep Them Doggies Rollin'

Now on to Peter Beyer's Religion and Globalization (Sage, 1994). It has only put me to sleep twice, but maybe that was just the cold I am battling. In any case, onward and upward, eh?

Had a strange dream that I am still processing. I will tell it to you when I can. It was one of those dreams that seemed to describe all of my problems to me. Not how to solve them, mind you, but it did describe them to a tee.

Dream Baby Got Me Dreaming Sweet Dreams

I have been jittery and worried for some days now, as nightmares were becoming a problem for me, and I remember reading that people over 16 should not have regular nightmares unless there was something wrong with them. Naturally, I assumed that these nightmares pointed to some problem in school that I had not yet consciously realized.

Especially since the nightmares featured one of my professors… And the tailypo (spelled tallypo back home). Neither of which one really loves to see in their dreams.

However, today (we have now gone completely nocturnal), I was finally able to sleep without the vision of razor sharp teeth and horrible cryptozoic carnage.

But I am not sure I should tell you what I did dream about, as it is either the sweetest thing in the world, or the lamest.

I was asleep, with John beside me, and the cat in my arms (he likes to sleep under the covers, with his head on my pillow – it really is quite adorable). What did I dream? That I was peacefully asleep, with John at my side and the cat in my arms!

My heart pitty-pats to know that, for right now, my subconscious desires and my actual life seem to be in perfect accord.

Now if I could only dream of a big sandwich, I would be living all of my wildest dreams today.

Live Long and Prosper (and please do use the airbrush).

Since we were all talking about dreams last night, I thought I’d share my most recent.

So, I dreamt that I had become a big name in Jewish studies. I had Neusner on speed dial, and Eli Weisel actually knew my name. I had lunch with all the coolest celebs, like Woody Allen, Al, and even Shatner. I was on the top of the world, ma.

Then I was meeting with my publishers, talking with the art director of my latest soon-to-be-best-seller. (My life’s ambition is to see copies of my books in the sale-bins at Chapters). It was a posh office, real professional like. Like the sets from Big. But I was a little hungry and bored, so I wasn’t paying all that much attention to the whole thing. Eventually, they started talking about how they wanted to do something “different” and “edgy” with my dust jacket photo. Alright, I thought, probably one of those stupid, pixilated, “I-shot-this-picture-myself-while-lying-on-my-back” photos. Fine- I’m already an ass, so what would it hurt? I signed the release.

The next day, I found out what they had in mind. I almost had a heart attack- they had hired Leonard Nimoy to take my picture… in the nude!

Then I woke up when HE screamed. (OK, so I made the punch line up, but the rest was real enough. I really don’t remember what woke me up, and this way it sounds better.)

So, OK, no more dulse before bed, I promise.

Still No Job...

May 27th

Had an excellent time watching Star Wars, and went to see Episode III again yesterday at noon. Was even better the second time. Spent the day watching the original trilogy again. I can't tell if I'm at the beginning of a full-blown jag, or just finished one.

Been having a horrible time sleeping- staying up late working/reading, waking up with awful dreams, and then not being able to sleep in. A short story came to me in a dream, fully formed, though, so maybe I am willing to accept the relatively small inconvenience of the nightmare that brought it!