Saturday, December 31, 2005

Oh, Sharlee!


Pola Negri would be appalled at how little we talk of her today. Svelte, petite and exotic, she was one of the true vamps of the silent screen in the tradition of Theda Bara.

Born as Barbara Apollina Chalupiec in Janowa, Poland on the last day of 1894, Pola grew up in a poor single-parent family in Warsaw, where she was trained in ballet and then theatre acting. With the turmoil of World War I, she turned to film, and thus a legend was born. Gaining success and fame throughout Europe with 1919’s sensational Madame Du Berry, she was brought to Hollywood when the film was released stateside (as Passion) and caused immediate shock waves.

Sexual and potent on film, Negri would surpass “It” and take viewers’ minds directly to “Doing It.”


Having met Charlie Chaplin in Berlin on his world tour of 1921, the two were eagerly reunited when the actress was engaged by Paramount in 1922. Chaplin was immediately struck by Pola’s beauty and charisma, and was, no doubt, flattered by the public attention she lavished on the often-shy 5’5” British comedian. However, it is quite certain that, when she announced their engagement in early 1923, Chaplin had not been informed of any such arrangement. Unwilling to publicly deny their forth-coming marriage, he would not make a statement to the contrary, and the press went into full feeding frenzy for months over the world’s reigning king of silent comedies marrying the siren of Paramount. For his part, Chaplin found there were advantages in the relationship (besides the obvious) and used Pola as the model of European sexual and cultural sophistication he was aiming for when he made his magical A Woman of Paris (1923). We can assume that it is no coincidence that the shooting of the film was completed on June 25 and Charlie officially broke off the engagement on June 28th. Still, theirs remains one of Hollywood’s grandest romances, and was one of the top tabloid headlines of the 20s.

Negri’s popularity would fall into sharp decline in 1926 when, after making a public display of her grief at the funeral of matinee-idol Rudolph Valentino, she claimed that the two had been engaged. This fact was roundly denied by many of Valentino’s closest friends, and it is plausible, considering her publicity stunt with Chaplin in 1923, that it had been a product of her overly dramatic mind. That same year the Hays office began to doggedly censor her film behaviour, at the same time that her notoriously thick accent hampered her conversion to sound films, and she returned to Europe in the 30s to work for the Nazi-controlled UFA. However, rumours that she was actually half-Jewish, despite a legendary friendship with Hitler, drove her back to the States in 1941, where she died in retirement in 1987.

Pola Negri was a beautiful and magnetic woman who lived a life filled with as much fantasy and seduction as her screen performances ever held. In her time she held in her palm men who made studios, or nations, rise and fall, armed with acting skill, sexual dynamism and an exotic presence. Although her legend has faded from tabloid covers, she justifiably remains a true star of the silent era, and one of the great mythical creatures of Hollywood lore.

Happy 68th, Tony!


On New Years Eve 1937, 68 years ago today, one of the greatest actors of his (and our) generation was born in Port Talbot, Wales. He would go one to not only become an Oscar winner, but a household name.

An uninspired student, Tony sought solace first in piano and then in acting at the local YMCA. He refused to join his father in the family bakery and subsequently has become one of the most famous Welshmen ever, even eclipsing the man to whom he was most often compared, Richard Burton. Trading on his magical voice, originating deep in his barrel chest and able to drown out and quail anyone around him, the quiet and unassuming youth has become a most impressive and intimidating theatrical force.

Anthony Hopkins remains an inspiration to anyone born in small towns all over the world who still swear they can see the lights of Hollywood from their bedroom window.

New Years Eve 2005: The Dread and the Bitterness.

Well, another year is upon us, and a new one is dying off. Turn, turn, turn…

We are bracing ourselves for a level-nine night in hell, as the white trash folks upstairs had a warm-up event last night resulting in music and “woo-hoos” until 1.30am. Unfortunately, I don’t believe the bars or the movie houses take food stamps, so we will probably have them all night tonight. Hoo-ray.

I hate New Years Eve. The holiday itself makes sense, as a turning of a year warrants some sort of occasion and celebration. However, New Years Eve has become something of a war zone for those of us who don’t drink and would prefer to celebrate it at home and out of the paths of would-be vehicular murderers. New Years Eve has become one of those times when people feel they have the right, nay the Responsibility, to act like jerk-offs, and my blood pressure zooms off the charts wondering exactly how loud, how obnoxious and how angry the booze hounds will get this year.

Will this be the year we are murdered in our beds by some trash high on cheap rum and a sensation of his own crappiness?

There comes a time in the lives of the worthless quarter of humanity when the reality of their existences comes into direct conflict with the inflated senses of their own value that TV has given them. They realize that they can never be president of anything and that their lives are generally ones of appetites (hungry, full, tired, horney, etc.). Combined with alcohol, this can be a dangerous time. I fear that New Years seems like the most likely flash point of this crisis.

Unfortunately, those of us who are fully aware, and are comfortable with, our own non-earth-shattering lives, and who just want to watch Last Orders(2001) in peace, bear the brunt of these out bursts. I, for one, plan on hiding in my room with a blanket over my head to muffle the sounds of their rutting and puking, the things with which they stave off considerations of the infinite and finite natures of their humanity – or lack thereof.

Good luck to us all.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Um… Hi?

The longer I stay out of school, the less I have to say on this thing. So what I can I tell you? We rented an arm-load of DVDs to keep us for the holiday weekend, and the clerk at the place commended our taste – a major compliment in an indie video store. Saw The Legend of 1900 (1998) and Brother from Another Planet (1984) last night and loved them. I could tell you about them, but right now I feel like you had to be there… Hey, Canada’s Foreign Affairs Minister Pierre Pettigrew was mugged while waiting for a train in the Montreal Metro last night. That’s pretty neat, huh? Not so much that he was mugged, but that our big wigs travel via public transit. Uh, we may be having perogies for supper tonight…?

You know what? I’m on holiday, so I really just want to take the day off. I am working on a new story (about love and loneliness - you know the good stuff), so I have to save my wrists for typing that, rather than crummy posts here. So, in sum. I hope to talk to you tomorrow, but, regardless, I wish you a good Sabbath and then a great New Years Eve.

I couldn't even find something cool or amusing on the net to leave you with, so I guess that's it... I'm outta here. I can't work under these conditions.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Who Doesn't Love Jack Klugman?

Wednesday night was a quiet night in. We rented The 40 Year Old Virgin (2005), which I adored, and then got rid of about four months’ worth of recycling and went to the bank machine. Pretty intense night, huh?

Then, while checking my email for the hundredth time to see if my grades were there, I tried something that I guess many bored bloggers do. I punched the title of my blog into Google’s normal search to see how far up I am on the hits. I was pretty depressed at how many uses of the line “What the hell is a Blog?” there were. (I’m thinking of changing the title if I can… Any suggestions?)

However, one guy out there with the same line in his really caught my attention.

To set this up, my mom LOVES crime shows. To give you an indication how much, she actually squealed when I told her I was starting a degree in criminology a few years ago (long story). Anyway, she has always had a thing for Jack Klugman since the Odd Couple was on TV (1970-75), so when I was a kid we watched plenty of reruns of Quincy, which was his old forensics/coroner show in the 70s/80s. It was great – the guy always caught the bad guys, without a gun or a souped-up Chevy, or anything. WITH JUST HIS BRAIN!

It opened up all kinds of doors for me, and I count it as a foundational document of my development. When I studied criminology, I went into forensic anthropology (identifying human remains), and I had Quincy in mind when I chose that field. Plus, Jack Klugman was one of my first crushes, right after Elton John (whose rhinestones fascinated me when I was three) and Placido Domingo, but before Patrick Stewart.

Since then, I have had the fortune to catch a lot of his work, including Goodbye Columbus (1969), and the classic 12 Angry Men (1957), which I bought a couple of weeks ago. I love his slum-kid-turned-sensitive-guy in that (Juror Number 5, if you need the name).

So, you can imagine my joy at finding his blog tonight (I got to leave a comment – I am so stoked!). I think you can all guess what the title of his first post was… Can you?

That’s right children. The hero of my formative-syndication-TV-years, Jack Klugman, has a blog in which the first post is named What the Hell is a Blog? Cosmic, eh? Man, I can’t wait to tell my mom… To her, that’ll mean I’m a celebrity twice removed.

I love quiet nights in. You meet the neatest people that way.


Post Script:
Check out "Klugman's Korner" as well... either there is a Jack Klugman impersonator out there, or this guy is really becoming a blogging maniac!

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Still Gives Me Chills, Even After 80 Years


F.W. Murnau, director of the beautiful Sunrise (1927) and the infamous Nosferatu (1922), was born 117 years ago today in Westphalia. He became one of the émigré film directors from Europe who dominated Hollywood in the late twenties onward, but he never managed to top the art or success of his silent pictures. However, if all he’d ever made was Nosferatu, he would still have been one of the greatest film artists of all time.

One of the major directors of Germany’s ethereal and phenomenal silent film industry of the 1920’s, his Nosferatu still ranks amongst the best films ever made. Audiences today might mistake the sped-up sequences and stop-action filming as “funny”, trained by the Keystone antics that solidified the axiom “Action + Speed = Comedy.” Not in any world is this film devoid of shivers, though, and I’d place it against any of the bikini-thrillers of recent decades for sheer horror. Imagine what those scenes must have looked like at the time? Just picture that great Max Schreck face in your mind’s eye, even now. That is the stuff of nightmares.

Eerie and menacing, the film will be as scary in a hundred years as it was when it was made. So celebrate the birth of a master of atmosphere and settle in for a night of thrills to chase away those post-Christmas schmaltz-filled blues.

All it will cost you is an evening. Or some sweat and tears, and perhaps... a little blood.

Bon Voyage, Christine!

Christine has fled Mayberry for more urban pastures, with even a stop in wonderful downtown Hamilton!

The trip was fine, and I think we all got some relaxation in, with even the white trash upstairs giving it a rest for the weekend (!!!). There were many movies and Simpsons episodes watched, a lot of popcorn consumed, and a few leisurely walks around the bunny-populated parks of our fair city. However, it would have been nice if this town had offered a little more excitement, or if we had had some more disposable cash to make good on what little excitement there is here (such as catching King Kong at the googolplex). Nonetheless, there were gifts and whole days spent in pajamas, so isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

Take care, Christine - I hope your eight hour train ride goes smoothly, and I hope the trip was worth it! Best of luck for 2006 and for your new term!

And G-d help us all for the marks we are all so anxiously awaiting.

"Wonders of Winter" or Wonderbread?


Still no news on marks, and I am becoming slightly agitated about it. Maybe I’ve failed and they don’t want to tell me during Hanukkah? Or maybe they are busy cleaning my possessions out of my office so I can pick them up with my walking-papers next week. Or, possibly, they just haven’t finished marking… My pessimistic mind prefers the former explanations.

Christine heads back to Montreal Wednesday night, so we had to do something extra special for her last day here. We went out into the night to see the Wonders of Winter festival of lights!

Yes, it was wonderful… Perhaps too wonderful for the likes of us. A little too wholesome. Now I feel like going to bed early and saying my prayers. To whom? To Jesus, of course. That’s the wholesome person’s god, don’t you know?

Actually, it was a little depressing that something framed as a “festival of lights” couldn’t even bother to have one stinking menorah… They even left out Superman, the most Jewish of super heroes, though both Batman and Spiderman (Gentiles the pair) were present. Well, I know when I am not wanted…

Other than that minor ethnic annoyance, it was an OK evening, with donkeys, lights, and pretty warm weather for late December. However, the sidewalks are solid sheets of ice due to the daytime thaw, so my legs are sore from the constant shimmy-walk one has to do not fall on one’s head. My big toes, which fancy that they are prehensile in such conditions, were trying valiantly to grip the ice. All they managed to do is begin to ache because of the resistance posed by my boots. Next time I go shoeless.

So I am tired and physically weakened. Actually, that was so wholesome I should say I am tuckered-out (a more wholesome term than tired). Thus, I think I may go to bed early after a hot bath and some tea. Strike that… Make it Ovaltine. Much more wholesome.

Nighty-night.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Wonders of Winter and Other Goings On.

Woke up this morning with a terrible sore throat and a stuffy head, so, considering our poverty-stricken state right now, we decided to forego a shopping trip to fantabulous Up Town Waterloo today… It really is pretty, but that’s a lot of walking just to see some cobblestones and a big turn-of-the-century-beer-keg pyramid. (Wow- What is wrong with the Germans??) However, we are still planning on hitting the Wonders of Winter display in the park, which promises to contain 100,000 lights! I can feel the price of my electricity wattage rising as we speak.

I am still plugging away at paper proposals for next term, and I sent off a rough draft to Grimes yesterday… Considering the prop for his class is due on Feb 8, I think that’s a good head start. However, I haven’t gotten my marks back for first term, so maybe I flunked out and it’s all for naught… Hmmm. Best not think about that right now.

For my paper for Grimes’ Ritual, Performance & Media class I will be doing the performance of Judaism in pop culture. He has OK’d that general area, but I think for my specific example, I will do (Catherine will enjoy this) Neal from Freaks and Geeks. Woody Allen, though beloved, is far too done for this. We’ll see how it goes.

For my Religious Diversity in North America class, the prof suggested I do the history of Jews in Atlantic Canada, being how I have a natural position from which to study that. However, there’s really not a lot to be said there, and anything that needs to be said can’t really be done in 20 to 25 pages. Instead, I think I might do trans-border culture sharing amongst the Jews… As in how much the Jews of Canada rely upon American Jewish culture for our identity.

Or, alternatively, why the hell do people think that all Jews come from Brooklyn?

So, that’s about all the news that’s fit to print… Been listening to Zappa and doing research on adolescence in Jewish American society. (By the by, do you know how rare a scholarly topic male virginity is??? It’s all about the females in today’s academics… Not sure how they reckon only girls can be virgins, but I’m sure they have grant money to back it up.)

So, off to the light show tonight, and out to the post office to process some loan papers tomorrow. And waiting for paper marks… Always the waiting. The fun never stops around here. WEEEEEEE!

Monday, December 26, 2005

It’s a Holi-Holiday. Hoo-ray.


Well, folks, bored out of my tree. I forgot that part of the Xmas holidays. It’s always nice to have a bit of a break, but that second week is a bit of a pain after the thrill of sitting around watching movies and sleeping late is over.

And can there be a worse day than Christmas?? Everything is shut, and you are forced to remain locked up in your house. Everlasting dullness.

Hanukkah has started, but who cares without either (a) being a child, or (b) having a child?

And today is Boxing Day. But, as I am not a Victorian land owner, I don’t really care about that, either. Further, I am too end-of-term-broke to partake of any sales, so meh. Meh I said, and meh I mean.

So, in self-defense, I have started my paper outlines for next April (I’m not gonna get caught flat-footed again – Last month was horrible!). Also, I have got a head-start on my readings for next term… I am determined that I will keep on top of everything while I can, so as to make the end of next term less of a pain. Whether this actually pans out… We’ll see.

Will take Christine to see downtown Waterloo tomorrow, and then to see the Waterloo park light show. I guess that’s all that Mayberry has to offer…

At least I am getting my rest. Yippee, she said sarcastically.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Charles Spencer Chaplin (April 16, 1889 – December 25, 1977)



In the early hours of Christmas day of 1977, the great ballet master of the silent screen passed away in his sleep at the age of 88. His films stand as a testimony to a life lived in fantasy and style, rising above a childhood of hunger, uncertainty and deprivation. Chaplin’s legacy, that of one of the first and finest American auteurs, lives on as one that drew the “flickers” from the realm of crude entertainment and spectacle in the Nickelodeon to that of a magnificent art. Charlie, and his creation, the Little Tramp, will live forever on film and as part of our collective cultural inheritance.

Chaplin was born in the evening on April 16, 1889. His mother, a frail and dramatic woman, loved her children, but was seldom able to support them, and the family spent stretches of time in the workhouses of Dickensian lore. In 1901, his father Charles Sr. died of alcohol-related liver disease, and in 1903 his mother finally succumbed to mental illness and was committed to the Lambeth infirmary. At 14, Charlie became responsible for himself. It is not surprising that the son of two music hall singers would himself seek employment on the stage. Chaplin eventually settled on the theatre rather than the music halls, and at 14, young Master Chaplin attained some success in the Saintsbury touring company of Sherlock Holmes, in which he worked for three years. At 17, he found himself unemployed and becoming too old to play boy characters. Capitalizing on his natural physical abilities, and accepting the fact that his 5’5” stature was not going to translate into leading-man roles, Chaplin turned to comedy. He soon followed his beloved brother, Sydney, into joining the now-famous Karno Company.


It was with this troupe of comedic actors that Chaplin first set foot in New York. It was in Karno’s American touring production of "The Mumming Birds" in 1913 that the 24-year-old was singled out by representatives of the Keystone Film Company, and received the telegram that would change the world. In January 1914, the boy comedian renowned for his manic stage comedy became a new player in the new film industry, and neither would ever be the same.

Staying with Keystone only one year, Chaplin learned everything he could about direction and film technology and made 35 short films, mostly slapstick and fast-paced farces of little artistic value. Significantly, it was with Keystone that Chaplin appeared as a supporting character, second only to gifted stage star Marie Dressler, in the first recorded feature-length comedy, Tille’s Punctured Romance (1914). Other than this milestone, the limited studio offered little by way of artistic history.

However, on the 7th of February 1914, an enduring work was released, and the public would begin its oftentimes problematic love affair with Charlie. In the simple and crude little film, Kid Auto Races at Venice, an alluring figure appeared from the crowd of spectators, wearing baggy pants, a tight frock coat and a frayed derby hat. In his hand, he carried a superfluous bamboo cane in an attempt to affect an air of dignity that would be attacked by everything from cops to conveyor belts over the next 25 years. The Little Tramp sprang to life, bringing Chaplin his most perfect role and his everlasting, iconic image.

In the early years, the Tramp was generally rough and one-dimensional, void of true character. An occasional drunk who could think of little more than finding a pocket to pick and a girl to chase, the early Tramp was not much different from the other tumblers of Keystone fame. It was not until Chaplin signed with Essanay Studios, and gained artistic freedom, that the Tramp began to look and feel like the universal Everyman we know today. In The Tramp (1915), a short film revolving around the Tramp’s attempts to save a damsel in distress (the indomitable Edna Purviance, whose angelic features made her an ethereal counterpart to the Tramp’s earthiness), we see much of what we would expect from early comedies. There are many skulls cracked with giant cartoonish mallets, to be sure. But there is something else that would become the calling card of Chaplin’s genius: the ability to combine romance, comedy, and pathos in one narrative, and, thus, to make the gags support the plot.

It was the addition of human feeling to the Tramp’s character that created the empathy upon which the stories came to hinge. Most of all, he appealed to women who found their maternal instincts pleasantly aroused by the Tramp, and, subsequently, by Chaplin himself. Thus, the Little Fellow, once considered too small for romantic roles, became one of the very first Hollywood Heart Throbs.


The first Hollywood Star to sign a million-dollar contract, Chaplin got complete artistic freedom when First National agreed to buy his product but leave his production alone in 1917. The 29-year-old millionaire built himself a state-of-the-art studio in 1918 and began to make the films for which he is now most famous. In 1920, Chaplin made his first feature-length Tramp film, The Kid, and for the next fifteen years he remained a box-office king, with five of the greatest silent comedies ever made, as well as one of the finest dramas (though a box-office flop), A Woman of Paris (1923), to his credit. All of this despite the many Cassandras, including some of his own advisors, who predicted his doom when sound technology was popularized in 1927.

In 1940, Chaplin’s first full sound picture was the controversial anti-fascist comedy, The Great Dictator, in which he ended the Tramp’s silence by making his Jewish barber, a victim of racist attacks in the fictional nation Tomania, the Tramp’s twin. The movie was discouraged at first by those who still held out hope for the appeasement of Hitler, a man whom Chaplin loathed, but after the beginning of the Second World War it was the film’s reported Communist and Pacifist sentiments that earned Chaplin further public relations difficulties. By the late 1940s, Chaplin the man had eclipsed his work in the States, and, as he had never applied for American citizenship, the country turned its back on him on September 19, 1952. The government refused Chaplin reentry. Hurt and angry, Chaplin liquidated his American assets and only returned to Hollywood once in the remaining 25 years of his life, to receive his Honorary Oscar in 1971, a gesture that many consider too-little, too-late in exchange for a life that gave the motion picture industry so much.

Chaplin spent the rest of his life in a comfortable, yet bitter, exile in Switzerland where he died in 1977.

Of course, this is a simplified telling of a life spanning nearly nine decades, and one lived by a man as complex and as enigmatic as any yet seen. Occasionally egotistical and cruel, Chaplin was a man of deep emotions and passionate convictions. He was also blessed with more talent than many of us will ever witness in our lifetimes. Today we mark the 28th anniversary of his death. He is sadly missed, even by those of us who never knew him. Yet, at least we have the gift of his films, and, when we hit play we make the man live again through the Tramp, his greatest creation.

Suggested reading: My Autobiography (C. Chaplin); My Life in Pictures (C. Chaplin); Chaplin: His Life and Art (D. Robinson); Remembering Charlie (J. Epstein).

Charlie & Me

It is harder for me to write about Chaplin than any other of my idols. Perhaps you all have noticed that, for all the mentions of Marx, Woody and others, my one true hero is absent in my posts. Maybe part of this is due to the fact that I come from a culture that avoids the name of its deity, so I feel awkward about using Chaplin in my writing. In any case, the admiration is too deep, and the emotions too high. I feel like I could never express exactly what I love about Chaplin films, or how much I depend on them… For me they are like medicine.

Instead of insulin, I need the Tramp.

If it were not for Chaplin, I would still be studying biblical literature and hating it… It was my love for his films that propelled me into film studies. The effects he had on me made me realize that I could not pursue any study that didn’t involve movies. For me, Chaplin is a spiritual thing, and it became natural to think of film and religion as a wide area of research. He was the root, and he remains the centre of my film sense.

No one could do it like Charlie, and no one can inspire me like him…

Bless you, Charlie.

One Name They Know How to Spell in Karachi: Bogart.


Humphrey DeForest Bogart, December 25, 1899 – January 14, 1957.

106 years ago today, a first son was born to an NYC society couple, physician Belmont Bogart and his wife, famed artist and illustrator, Maud Humphrey Bogart. Though well off, his was a less than idyllic childhood. His life, however, proved to be extraordinary.

While not classically handsome in the Gary Cooper way, Bogart had a special quality that was far more smoldering. Dark and masculine, his face conveyed a soul of deep character, tough breaks, and an iron will, but also one of quick humour and romantic possibilities. One of the icons of American maleness, the Screen Bogart remains for even my generation, born twenty years after he fell to cancer, a hero and model of ethical self-interest. And for women of any generation, he represents the pinnacle of casual sexuality, mixed with healthy doses of self-sufficiency and feeling.

Bogart the man, however, may prove to be an even more valuable icon. While some of the brightest stars of his generation fell to drugs, dissipation, and scandal, Bogart was a dependable and diligent actor. Over the space of 82 films, he never arrived unprepared or unready to work, because, despite his ascent to the realm of Hollywood immortals, Bogart never took his fame or his livelihood for granted. He lived according to a work ethic that stated that no one is too famous to put his back into his chosen profession and pull his own weight. Further, his box-office stature and his fame were always kept in check by a humanity unconnected to transitory values such as popularity.

Above all, Bogart is one of the true Idols of Hollywood’s Golden Age. He is what dreams are made of, and today we celebrate the birth of a classic gent.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Deck the Halls!

Happy Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa, and so forth, to all! A little depressed today, myself. Always am on Christmas. Probably just jealous because over the half the world is about to celebrate the birth of a Jew, and it ain’t me.

Otherwise, I am saddened by how far Chapters has slid into cruddiness… Now they don’t even seem to sell DVDs any more. Needed more room for bath towels and scented candles, I guess. And let’s not forget the Dianna retrospectives sized just right to sit on your coffee table and show the world what a sad putz you are.

However, Christine is here for the holidays, so YAY over that. She brought us Darth Tator who will now forever grace our TV. Ah, yes, the finer things. Still, I have not yet received my grades, so I am restless and I vacillate between optimism and suicidal urges…

Anyway, tomorrow’s posts will be themed around two monumental entertainment history anniversaries, so I will wish everyone a happy Xmas now in case I forget.

So don’t forget to watch for a fat guy in red in case he tries to break into your house, and have a pleasant evening.

Friday, December 23, 2005

The Terror That Lies Above

It’s the day before the day before that stinking children’s holiday that gives them the license to act like jackasses… Christmas. I hate that word and all the doom it brings.

Thus, the white trash beasts in the apartment above us are already going mad and it is only noon… By Sunday, they will have full white trash fury, loaded on tacky, greasy American chocolate and whatever the 2005 equivalent to Power Rangers is.

Holy cats… Let’s just hope they’re up there packing up to go visit they’s kin, or I’m not gonna live through this freaking joyous season. Or maybe they won’t.

Happy Festivus!

I’m so excited! It’s midnight on Festivus Eve. Can you feel the giddiness in the air? The Festivus pole is up and we are all ready for the traditional airing of the family grievances! Ah, the holiday season!

Anyway, I’m hiding in my room from any more shop girls wearing antlers who are waiting with baited breath to wish me a “Merry Christmas!” or, worse, a “Jolly Ho-Ho!” so forcefully that their screwy little Mary Tyler Moore bobs shake violently with the nauseating power of their simple-minded holiday cheer.

While you, too, hide in your bunker, take a look at all the wonders of the season.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

And The Oopsie goes to…

I re-watched The Hurricane (1999) tonight. Man, I love that movie. They really need to start making that thing mandatory viewing in Canadian schools! I feel all kinds of Red and White, and all shiny. G-d bless Canada!

The Hurricane was part of the downward spiral that made sure that I will never watch the Oscars again… (Capped by the fact they screwed Bill Murray in 2003 - let's hope they fix that soon.) Though he was good, I'm not sure Kevin Spacey deserved to win his 1999 Oscar against Russell Crowe's The Insider and Denzel's The Hurricane, two ground breaking roles. In 2000, Russell Crowe won a pity Oscar for GladiatorTHEN, similarily, Denzel beat Russell’s John Nash (A Beautiful Mind (2001), a performance over which I can never stop gushing) for Training Day, one of the most forgettable pieces of crap I’ve ever seen (real TBS quality stuff). Both these wins were political awards that really need to be fixed. This all could have been avoided by a tie between Washington and Crowe in 1999.

I think the Academy should start giving out “The Oopsie.” This award would correct stupid acts of previous voting members. This could start all the way back in 1935, when Busby Berkeley’s fantastic dance direction in Gold Diggers of 1935 lost to the completely forgettable dance numbers in Folies Bergère (David Gould), amongst the countless times that Charlie Chaplin WASN’T NOMINATED (because, of course, talkies were all the rage, although Chaplin is now immortal and the majority of the early sound pictures sucked arse).

So, a long list of nominees for the Oopsie:

Grand Illusion (1938) – Lost to You Can’t Take it With You… Clearly a classic, huh?

Jimmy Stewart for Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939) lost to Robert Donat. Jimmy got a make up Oscar the next year for the excellent, yet not exactly memorable for Jimmy, Philadelphia Story.

Citizen Kane AND The Maltese Falcon (1941) – Two of the greatest pictures EVER made, both lost to How Green Was My Valley… How earnest is my puke?

Bogart, who wasn’t even nominated for Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)… I guess the Academy decided, “Taste? We don’t need no stinking taste!”

Frank Sinatra's power house performance in The Man with the Golden Arm lost to Ernest Borgnine’s Marty in 1955… I don’t even think I need to say any more about that.

Hitchcock for Psycho (1960). Don’t get me wrong, I adore The Apartment and Billy Wilder, but come on.

1964’s Dr. Strangelove, I think, has fared the tests of time a wee bit better than My Fair Lady. Way to aim for the socially important stuff, Academy!

Write your congressman over the fact that Kubrick lost direction accolades for 2001 (1968) to Carol Reed for Oliver! That has to be a crime.

As an example of the Academy’s sentimental tomfoolery, John Wayne won best actor in 1969 for True Grit. Yes, well, Hitler was also a romantic, and my vote goes to Dustin Hoffman for his incredible Ratso in Midnight Cowboy, or possibly Jon Voight in the same film. You know what, they can share the Oopsie.

Five aggravating words: Taxi Driver (1976) lost. Rocky won.

Have you SEEN Ordinary People (1980)? Can you, or anyone else, explain why that was better than Raging Bull? Or, for that matter, The Elephant Man?

Do-over: Give the Oopsie to Al Brooks for supporting in Broadcast News (1987) over Sean Connery’s one-dimensional sap-fest in The Untouchables… It seemed like a good idea at the time, I am sure… But, honestly!

Coming full circle, I don't believe that a blind tango lover could beat Denzel’s Malcolm X (1992), but it happened.

OK, I’ll contain my rage on this one, but it’s hard. I could have handled it if Liam Neeson had beaten Anthony Hopkins' Remains of the Day (1993) for Best Actor… But TOM HANKS?? My LORD! Tom Hanks was a momentary lapse into mass hysteria that the industry seemed to fall into for a couple years there, and I pray that it is over for good. So, let’s make up for it by giving Tony his justice, huh?

Forrest Gump (1994) … MORE worthy than Pulp Fiction, huh? (See above note.)

Tell the truth – Did you really like 1996's The English Patient? Better than Fargo? I rest my case.

I can’t even express how happy I was when everyone died in Titanic (1997)… I also can’t express my anger over LA Confidential loosing to that titanic crap pile.

Can we give Shakespeare in Love’s 1998 Oscar to ANY other picture? Doesn’t matter which… Boomerang if you like.

I don’t have the time or inclination to add all the links this post requires, but do go look them up on IMDB. They are part of the Academy’s public record of shame.

I’m sure, as well, that this is only a sliver of the Academy’s shoddy choices, but, as I have not yet seen all the movies ever to come out of Hollywood, I can’t list them all. However, let us pool our knowledge and sleuth out other instances of their injustice… I’m sure there’s many more that I have had the privilege to have missed.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Bye Bye Blackbird:: Gonna Build a Mountain.


If you’ve never heard the two songs from this title, you should. Slowly, but surely, they’re pulling me out of the dumps. G-d bless you, Sammy (also known as the man to whom I once wrote, and asked him to adopt me. I think I was 7.)

Oh, and I think I’ve urged this before, but Sammy’s impersonation of Humphrey Bogart singing “Dixie Melody” is to die for.

Bummed and Stuffed Up.

Man, I guess the horseshoes finally fell out of my ass. No sooner did I finish those papers did I get hit by the mega virus from hell. Stuffy, achy, and in possession of the rawest throat known to man. Oy. Leads to so much lemon stuff I could die. Could do little else, so we have been watching movies, especially The Party (1968), and the seventh season of The Simpsons.

I’m a bit blue right now, and not just about recent events, though I still can’t keep my mind off my aunt or my potential tumor (both of which take on a cast of divine retribution when I think back to my bragging of last week’s posts). So, I’ve been in a bit of a funk, and we rented some movies to try to dislodge my chin from my chest.

Saw Something’s Gotta Give (2003) tonight, Really excellent, despite the lingering image of Jack Nicholson’s bare ass (just think: I could’ve gone my whole life without seeing that!). However, I lived through seeing the ass of DeVito in Big Fish (2003) last month, so I guess I’ll survive this one.

Diane Keaton is wonderful, isn’t she? And man is she beautiful, for any age. She’s like a shikse deity. She seems like the type to keep that figure by going to swap meets and playing tennis… Basically, she’s Catherine in 25 years!

Here's some neat trivia: Diane's birth name was "Hall." Wow, movies are real.

I guess I am feeling OK, but I have suddenly been hit with how weird it is that I write little updates about my day every night like this. Who the hell have I become, Doogie Howser??

Anyway, good night.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

West Dalhousie Road.

From today’s Halifax Chronicle Herald:

ANNAPOLIS WOMAN STILL MISSING

BRIDGETOWN — Annapolis RCMP have had no luck in their search for a missing woman. Searchers have been looking for 69-year-old Florence Pearse of West Dalhousie in Annapolis County since Nov. 15. She was last seen walking along West Dalhousie Road the previous day.

Tracking dogs and searchers have found no sign of her. Police say there are no indications of foul play in her disappearance.

Police say they plan another public appeal for information next week, including releasing a photo of the woman to try to jog the memory of anyone who might have seen her.


***

My father’s sister, Florence, has now been missing for five weeks. The police searched the woods for a week with no luck, and they have called it off. They say they’ll look again for her body in the spring. We don’t know what happened to her, or even if she actually is dead. My father continues to search. This is pretty much the worst thing that’s happened to my family in decades.

My aunt was/is not a well woman. Besides being 69 she is/was a schizophrenic and has good and bad days. Still, she was kind to me, and always sent me birthday cards. She always asked for news of me, and she really loved me. She always had me to stay with her when I was home. The thought that she may have froze to death in the woods alone is horrible… Other alternatives are just unthinkable right now.

The really stunning part is that no one told me. Knowing that she and I were fond of one another, my mother, who is notoriously bad in crisis situations, didn’t want to tell me. She was afraid it would interfere with my school term, or that I would break down or something. My brother called me and inadvertently mentioned it, thinking, naturally, that someone would have told me. (Yes, you’d think so, wouldn’t you?) He called my mum, who called me and cried that she was sorry, but that it was all too horrible… She wanted to wait to tell me when they had some sort of news, she said.

Yes, well, all I know is that I sent one of my favourite aunts a holiday card last week, possibly four weeks after she was already dead.

So, my term papers are done, but I’m not much in a chipper mood right now. My mind just keeps going back to those woods.

Monday, December 19, 2005

P.S. Thanks for the LOVE.

If you can’t tell, I am being sarcastic (a little).

I announce that I have a possible tumor, and did I hear word one of sympathy, concern or even doubt? NO. (Well, except from Catherine, but she was here and had to listen to me spaz out about it and watch me grope it for a night.)

See if I care about your next mystery bump, folks. (Hint: I won’t.)

One Term Down, Three and a Half Years to Go!


My fist term of PhD has come to a close, with the last paper submitted at 3pm this afternoon!! (I was writing on it last night until 3am, slept until 7am, and then got back at it. Finished at 1pm, edited by 2pm.) Not too shabby.

Now we’ll wait to see what the grades look like…

Not much else to tell about my day. Went and did my student loan papers on campus, with no lineup, so that was good. Got a little something at HMV to celebrate. Oh, and we saw a horse and buggy near University Ave. Strange, since we live in Mennonite land, but that was the first one we've actually seen outside the stalls that the Sobey's.

So, now time for sleep, or at least some serious goofing off.

Holly: 1000. Tumor: Zip.

Desperation has once again risen up to save me from darkness. I just wrote 1000 words of a 4000 word paper in a half hour. I think I will most definitely survive to see the end of this thing.

Can’t stop to chat. Must get back to it before the juices stop flowing.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Buried on Sunday…

Dead on Monday.


Christ! Paper due tomorrow. No energy or words left. I am one dead mother, as the kids say.

I tried to get all the last minute research done yesterday, but it didn’t really work. I kept staring off into space or deciding “One more small break won’t hurt me.” WRONG! In the end, I got very little research done, despite having spent most of the day locked in my study and not out with Catherine on her last full day here, where I would have liked to have been.

This afternoon/evening I will lock myself in the bedroom with the old, non-exciting laptop (hence no distractions) and get the bulk of it finished. If need be, I’ll force myself into study-occultation all night tonight, and work until the thing is done, and then edit tomorrow morning. I have until 4pm tomorrow to finish and submit this paper.

Target: Monday at 4pm. D-Day.

If I can hold it together for a few more hours, read the rest of my articles, and get 16 double spaced pages written with some sort of eye to quality, I will be safe. That doesn’t sound do bad, does it? Do it with one brain tied behind my back, I could.

Speaking of brains, it’s no wonder my poor organ is growing lumps. It’s not a tumor (no Kindergarten Cop (1990) references, please!). No, I figured out what it is. Not a tumor; a brain hernia! All the work has over exerted the brain to the point that it’s now pushing its way out in self-defense.

OK. Fine, brain. Here’s the deal: If you don’t leave me today, and help me finish this paper, then over the break we will watch hours and hours of stuff with no intellectual appeal, whatsoever, and I won’t so much as look at a book for a week.

Deal?

(Oh, and if you can describe the movie referenced in the post title, without the net, you’re either a Canadian or you should be. Hint: think Paul Gross.)

See, I Knew We Were Soul Mates.

profneal
neal


What Freaks and Geeks Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, Bloody Sunday…

Holy Hannah, I am so not happy about writing this paper. Worked for seven hours tonight and have very nearly nothing to show for it. However, I seem to be improving, as I have increased my reading speed to 1wpm. Yip-pee.

I need a break. Please help. Send me a file baked in a cake. Or at least a cake.

Addendum to Catherine’s Question:
Frankly, I think Neal Schweiber may be edging out Alvy Singer… Grown up a little, of course, but, then, I’m pretty young (and geeky) at heart.

(Yeah, I think the papers have strangled my brain, along with my tumor… That thing is really starting to distract me. Do you think possible-brain-tumor anxiety – rather than the real thing – is worth a medical leave from school? You’re right, I’ve already pushed my luck.)

Where are you, Schuuuuuuuuuu-lller?

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Another Psychosomatic Brain Tumor for Me.


Back at my final paper for my PhD seminar. It’s not going too hot, as my head hurts so bad it’s making my eyes water, and the people upstairs seem to be training for the President’s calisthenics exam. There’s a weird bump on the back of my head that makes me afraid for my life. Still, I fear death less than I fear the hospital, so I’ll just ignore that for now.

As far as the paper goes, however, I press on.

Catherine’s visit continues, but she leaves tomorrow. Great, just in time for me to be done and actually have some spare time. Too bad. Still, we’ve had some fun. Lots of Groucho and Freaks and Geeks, etc. Chocolate, too, so that ain’t bad.

Took a little time off tonight and showed her Hannah and Her Sisters (1986) for the first time. What a great film.

Tell me what you think - Could this be one of the best lines ever written by a human…

“If Jesus Christ ever came back and saw what is done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”

Or how about…

“How do I know why there are Nazis? I don’t even know how the can opener works!”

Dialogue like that makes me feel like I’m wasting my life in grad school. A PhD could never compare to the ability to write things like that.

Well. Back at it.

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Hunter Returns from the Hills

Oh yes, you are hearing the words of a chick who has completed and submitted the paper from hell. I am victorious! This, of course, is no guarantee of a successful mark, but right now I am fine with just having it done.

DONE! Again, I say DONE!

ISLAM CLASS IS NOW OVER!

I still have that other, smaller paper due on Monday, but if I work steadily at it, it should pose no threat to my sanity.

Catherine is here for the weekend, John has only one exam left, and I am well. That’s about all I have to say, except for the following truths about me:


Today's Holly Fact File:

I admit it, I find Groucho Marx attractive, especially in the buckskin suit at the end of Duck Soup (1933). I do not fear your prejudice against my forbidden love.

Second: Catherine’s question for today, which I now pose to you all:

If you could marry any fictional screen character, who would it be?

My answer: Alvy Singer. Sweet, nice looking, smart, romantic, sexual, hip, funny, and so wonderfully co-dependant that he feels like home.

What’s your answer?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Yup. Horseshoes Up my Arse.


(Actually, that phrase is funny to me, because it sounds like a really bad farm accident.)

In any case, flush with my success with my other prof, I emailed the prof for whom I am writing a paper for today, and asked if I could get a minor extension until tomorrow morning, or at least until tonight, as it was to be emailed. This was a long shot, as this prof is pretty damned authoritarian, and, moreover, doesn’t seem to like me very much. However, this paper is turning out to be a pretty excellent piece of work, if I do say so myself, and I felt bad about turning it in without giving it a chance to be all it can be.

And, to my surprise, the answer came back positive! Not much, just a short reprieve to edit and retool certain parts of it. I have until tomorrow morning at 10am. A goodly wealth of time to refine and tinker through tonight.

So that was pretty damn unexpected, and it relieves the hammer-like pressure building behind my eyes. However, a second unexpected boon has fallen into my lap.

Having reviewed my student loan file, the good people at the Nova Scotia student assistance office has, without me even asking, reassessed my file, and granted me an extra $2000, receivable immediately. We weren’t exactly broke, but let’s just say that, after the clearing up of some significant debts, we were keeping a closer eye than before on my paychecks.

It’s like getting a “Get Out of Jail Free” card AND a “Winner of the Baby Contest – Collect $2000” card all at once!

Yes, once again, everything IS coming up Holly! (Until, of course, the inevitable down fall that always comes when something good happens to me.)

John is my Partner, but my Heart Belongs to Dr. Duncan.


UPDATE: The plea that I sent to the prof for whom I am writing a paper for Friday has been returned with a casual instruction to take my time and don’t worry about turning it in on Monday instead… Complete with kudos on expressing myself in times of stress, and being able to acknowledge my time and physical limitations at such a busy time of year!!!

So I still have to do this paper due today (over half way done writing the sucker, and moving fast), but I don’t then immediately have to start the next one for tomorrow. So that’s a mercy. I was worried Catherine would come only to find me in a semi-liquid crumbled state on the parquet floor!

My hand to G-d, that professor is one of the truly righteous of the nations. I would kiss her, but she is too admirable. Instead I metaphorically kiss the ground upon which she walks.

I feel like crying out of shear exhaustion and relief.

Missives From the Fifth Stage of Term Paper Anxiety.

I am deeply immersed in the Asad/Geertz debate, and have settled into the mechanized speed of paper production that comes from realizing that the deadline approaches and there is no way out of it. It has been a rough day, as I am loosing my head with stress, and worse, I definitely feel that I am getting sick. All this, and two papers left to finish!


Nevertheless, as I was cranking out my fourth page on the construction of the concept of religion, my mind wandered, and I started to think of all the ups and downs today brought. I thought of the frames of mind I had entered and abandoned. Then I realized that my beloved undergraduate mentor, Dr. Tom Faulkner, had been a student at Chicago under the famed thinker Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, author of the well-known On Death and Dying, who, therefore, is something of an academic grandparent to me… And I realized that I wasn’t just having “ups and downs”. I was, in fact, going through the five stages of death… Or should I say the Five Stages of Term Paper Anxiety.

Stage One: Denial and Isolation
“This isn’t happening to me.”
Generally, I’d have to say that I’d been in this stage for quite some time. It started in about October when I refused to start thinking about these term papers, even though many of my classmates were already pissing themselves over them. However, this stage came to full bloom last night when I played on the net and watched movies instead of doing any work… Or this morning when I slept in and then took a leisurely hour-long coffee before getting down to it. I even stopped answering my email because I didn’t want to consider that most evil of questions: “How’s the paper coming?” This broke at about noon.

Stage Two: Anger
“How dare G-d do this to me?”
Well, since my plight isn’t cancer, but a paper, this anger was directed at the professor, and it was on and off for most of the day. I’m not sure, but I think it peaked with my assertion that I was capable of “eating her heart out of her chest with my own teeth.” In retrospect, that was pretty hostile.

Stage Three: Bargaining
“If only I could live to see my children graduate school, then I’d be OK.”
Again, I’m not facing dying of something unspeakable with teenagers at home waiting for gifts of iPods and drives to band practice. However, I too was hit by the dignity-effacing negotiation phase. At about 1pm I was emailing some classmates to ascertain whether the paper needed to be emailed by 5pm, or whether we were talking more about, say, ten to midnight. (No word yet on that, as we are all too crippled with anxiety to email the woman and ask.) Then came the ultimate bargaining, which I even subject-lined “Biting the Bullet.” I emailed the prof for whom I am writing a paper for Friday what the penalty was for handing it in on Monday, and if I could work something out there. No word back from that attempt, either, so one can assume I disgusted her. Oh well, I feel no shame: I was fighting for my life… or at least my GPA.

Stage Four: Depression
“I can’t bear to face going through this.”
This is a pretty self-explanatory stage, I guess. Anyone who has read this blog in the past week knows that I have clearly felt the pinch of this one. However, by way of illustration, by 2pm I was holding my middle, bent over in my chair and trying to cry… But I was too distraught to do much but gape like a fish. Then when I took a break to walk to Tim’s, I actually didn’t mind the thought of getting hit by a car as a substitute for writing this paper.

Stage Five: Acceptance
“I’m ready. I don’t want to struggle any more.”
Now, having wasted my day with the previous four stages, I am actually getting the damned thing done. I am out of options. It is too late for a miracle, so it’s just a matter of producing 20 or 25 pages of something resembling an argument, and emailing it off. I know when I am beaten, and, frankly, getting it done is the most effective way to never have to look at this crap again. I don’t want to fight it any more. I am resigned to my fate. I am actually past the point of stress, and quite literally feel nothing at this point. I’m not happy that I’m able to write four or five pages an hour, nor am I miffed at having to stay up late to write the damn thing. Like a burn victim, my pain sensors have just shut off. I guess my subconscious realized that if it didn’t go set my nerves to screen-saver mode, I’d be out the window by now… with a lot of embarrassment and broken legs, as we are only on the fourth floor.

So, even though my professor broke with Kubler-Ross over her semi-devious attempts to provide snake-oil-like hope to the recently bereft, she seems to have settled upon a pretty nice list of stages here. They clearly sum up, if not death, then at least term paper writing processes…

And just think: I get to do it all again tomorrow! Unless, that is, I can work something out there…

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I More than Love You. I Lurve You.


Well, the prof confirmed that I do, indeed, have an extra day for that killer paper. An extra day! Christ, it’s like a new lease on life. Suddenly, I can taste food again. I see stars dancing on the ceiling; I hear music wherever I go… (Note to myself: I think I’ll schedule a CAT scan for right after the holidays.)

I take back everything I ever said about that prof. Peace and goodwill to all mankind, just in time for Christma-Hannu-Kwanzaa!

And Catherine comes Thursday night, so I’m excited. (Except for the fact that I have no idea where I will get time to clean the place and avoid the embarrassment of having a guest see how I live.)

You know, it just feels so much more like the holidays to have people over. It turns our dingy little student apartment into the Walton farmhouse. Ma and Pa waiting on the porch with a roast turkey, and lights every where. Oranges in every stocking. Emmy out in the barn combing the holiday pig and rubbing him down with butter for the traditional Yuletide luau.

I’ve got to run to K-Mart to get a Red Rider BB gun for Catherine! A pink bunny PJ set for Christine. Something chicken related for Fritz, and some simulated bacon crap for Lumper. There’s my list!

But, wait!

My G-d. I’m having Gentiles for Christmas… What the hell does one do for that??

Can anyone recommend a good website for the care and feeding of Goys?

(I kid. I lurve you all!)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The Turkey’s Been Pardoned! The Turkey’s Been Pardoned!


Or, at least, there’s been a delay in the execution. It seems that the deadline for my first paper was mistaken by yours truly, and the thing is actually due Thursday instead of Wednesday, with the other paper (a slender and less horrific paper at 16 pages only) still due on Friday by 4pm.

The end result? I will still pull an all-nighter tonight to finish it, but now I (1) get time to do more than one draft, (2) get time to edit it tomorrow, with someone else’s eyes as well as my own, and (3) I’m gonna take an hour and a half and watch “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*but were afraid to ask)”(1972), while I have a leisurely feast of popcorn and root beer. That’s my treat for the night. I willingly trade sleep tonight for it.

I will hoist a stein of root beer in honour of the boon of an extra day… And then I’ll crank out a draft. Expect some sort of update, circa 4 or 5am.

(The pic, by the way, comes from a funny little piece of diversion "Cosmic Tribune's Look Alikes")

Like Pulling Teeth. One by One. With Rusty Pliers.

Every. Word. Crafted. Individually. Every. Thought. Carved. From. The. Dead. Stone. That. Is. My. Brain.

Very. Slow. Tedious. Like. Death.

Can’t. Go. On. Must. Stop. But. Can’t. Stop.

Need. To. Drag. Myself. To. Finish.

Ugh.

It’s Now or Never.

OK. This paper is due tomorrow by five. Luckily, due via email so there’s no travel time involved in that, but still: I HAVE TO GET IT DONE, NOW!! This is the eleventh hour. I know you like to put stuff off, Holly, and you’ve done well at that, but now it’s GO TIME. If the Inspiration doesn’t come now, it never will.

GO!

It’s Like One Huge Symphony of Annoyances…

OK, so now it seems as if John is awake…
Between the cat’s howls and my getting up and getting settled, John, whose snores kept me from getting any sleep, was woken up and now he isn’t tired any more. That means he’s no longer snoring, but I can’t go to sleep now, cause I’m pissed off and tense.

The cat, however, is sleeping peacefully.

(Deep, yet silent, primal scream.)

I’m Out Whining After Midnight...

I have left of my warm and comfy bed. I retired early with my Woody biography to read a chapter, and then get an early night in so I could get up at four and work on the paper that haunts my life. Soon, however, every sound in the building was picking at me, from the pinging pipes to John's snores… Even the freakin' cat was wheezing.

So, now I am up and back to banging my head against the brick wall that is my life while conscious. I’m trying to type quietly, and I’ve had to shut the study door so the light won’t bother John. The cat, however, feels no remorse, whatsoever, and is busy expressing his dissatisfaction with my restlessness by being an ass. I shut the door with him out, he howls to get inside. I let him in, he howls to get out.

It’s a toss up how I hate more right now, Kant or the stinking feline… One’s a German, and that doesn’t even break the tie… And I have no idea what that means.

Oh, man. I’m a mess.

Monday, December 12, 2005

We are not what was intended.


I am right now marking an exam that looks like it was hand written by a serial killer… I expect to come across “GRIMES IS THE DEVIL” in here any moment... Or maybe a plan to wash the filth from the world, or just a recipe for chili...

Seriously, thick black pencil scribblings that ignore the lines and are all smudged, probably by his own drool (let's hope it's only drool).

And me without my BatMan Decoder Ring.

My LORD. What email has done to the simpliest skills of our youth… I think this guy resorted to holding the pencil in his teeth…

I’m a little scared.

Don’t be a Baby, Baby.


Got my tutorial marks done and submitted. One step closer to done. Today I go into campus to pick up the exams, so I can mark them this evening. However, I still have a ton of work left to do on both may papers (one due on Wednesday, the other on Friday), so I think I’ll krabapple** them. 10 minutes per exam. If they haven’t wowed me in the first five minutes, they burn!

My final word.

So, I still am plugging away at papers. The topics are fine, but I wish I could just shut my eyes and make them go away. Ever feel you are just out of words? I just can’t say anything any more… All the ink is gone. I’m like a squid that’s already been squeezed.

However, I remain calm and deliberate. I haven’t resorted to manic fits of tension, yet. That’s always good, I find. This stability is due, in part, to my will power, and to the soft and cozy blue and pink afghan that John’s nana sent us for the holidays. (Who can get stressed when wrapped up in something made with love by nana-hands??)

The rest is due to The Mills Brothers, who can always talk me of a ledge. Smooth and oh so very cool, these guys were the bee’s knees in the thirties, forties and fifties, and if you’ve never heard them, you should.

I mean, who the hell can be upset while listening to “Flat Foot Floogie,” anyhow?

Oh, that tiger…

(** krabapple: Verb meaning to act as Ms. Krabapple; to mark a series of tests all “B+” to finish marking very quickly, so as to get to Happy Hour in the teachers’ lounge; to finish marking very quickly with little regard for the students; the TA’s best friend.)

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Down, Down, Down.


I think my brain is developing a repetitive stress injury.

For three cents I’d abandon ship and give up these papers… But, what else can I do? I can’t build anything, and I’d be potentially dangerous as a burger flipper. So, I am stuck working towards a PhD which, right now, is as fun as an ingrown hemorrhoid.

Took an hour and a half off to eat supper and watch Welcome to the Dollhouse (1995). In my mood, I probably should have picked something a bit more uplifting, like footage from the Nuremberg Trials.

I’m so depressed my chin is leaving a permanent dent in my chest…

And I still can look forward to all the fun of analyzing George Foot Moore’s survey that shows that the origins of Jewish Studies are rooted in anti-Semitic aspirations and attitudes of first the Catholics and then the Lutherans. (And, for that matter, the anti-Catholic bent of the Lutherans). It's all about discourse, baby!

*sigh*

I don’t know if there is life after death or not, but right now I’m hoping not.

But, hey! The llama song was fun, huh?

(Man, I need a drink...)

Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Hilarity Knows No Bounds...


Here's something worth breaking the Sabbath for... It's all Llamas, all the time!

Yes. I have lost it.
I am now a Duck.
Quack. Quack.

Oy. I need a break...

Friday, December 09, 2005

Yelling “Bomb” in an Airport is Looking Pretty Tempting Right Now…

Been up for hours, already. Both outlines finalized. Work progressing, somewhat.

Still - wish I were dead, all the same. Tired. Want it all done.

Another cup of coffee? Well, I shouldn’t, but what the heck?

What do I need a stomach lining for, anyhow?

Work All Day and What Do You Get?

(If I'm ever able to work all day, I'll be sure to let you know.)

I hunted down some very good articles, and I think that I may be producing something of real value. Still, all things considered, I’d rather be watching Love and Death (1975).

Is there something wrong with someone doing a PhD in religion and culture if, instead of minding her two pretty-exciting papers (one on the definition of religion as a post-Enlightenment idea that doesn’t apply to the original conception of Judaism, and the other on the problematic role of non-Jewish scholars of Judaism in a world of insider/outsider boundaries), she can only think of watching movies?

My hand to G-d: The moment this is all over I’m gonna watch the entire Four Marx Bros. opus, then all 27 of my Allen movies (even Alice), sleep right there in front of the TV, and never take the remote for granted again.

I hate Foucault. Woody will show us the way, and he’s funnier.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Tie a Yellow Ribbon…

Today I had a realization that has motivated me beyond all aspirations. I realized, though I had acknowledged it rationally before, that the only things standing between me and my VACATION (wonderful word, that) were two papers to write and fifty exams to mark.

So, my reaction: The quicker I finish this crud, the more VACATION I have.

Good plan.

However, the enemy, Stress, has found out that I have made this breakthrough, and I must be forever vigilant against its counter-attacks.

Stress has made some significant ground, especially when some paperwork for which I was responsible seems to have vanished from the secretary’s desk, and when the deadline for exam marks was moved up. However, these were highly important battles, so I looked them straight in the eye and dealt with them. This is neither the time for tension nor fear. Every bump in the road must be avoided or absorbed. There is no other way to win this war. Battle by battle, page by page, I must win the day.

I will keep my head down and get through these papers by Monday, and then mark those exams Monday night. I MUST DO THIS, in order to make that crucial beachhead on to VACATION! Otherwise, I may never make it and this war may be lost. This I cannot allow.

Thus my missives from the front may be few and far between over the next week. Although it shames me, you may be subjected to internet quizzes and a lazy pastiche of links. However, know that I love you all, and that someday I’ll come marching home again from this PhD hell.

Know that I fight a just cause.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

WHY… WON’T… THIS… TERM… DIE…?

OK. This was meant to be “Paper Day 1.” However, my students just won’t let me move on! Three of the little buggers handed in late papers (which I have to mark now), one kid has seemingly severe panic problems (forcing me into a shitty paper trail with her therapist), and all fifty of them are peeing themselves over the exam. This makes them email me instead of taking a breath and figuring stuff out themselves.

Any second I expect an email screaming: “OMG! How do I get to campus????” or “I can’t find PANTS!!! How do I get pants????” or “My stomach is growling and I don’t know what it wants! What does it want???

I love them, but I still want to clunk their silly little skulls together, sometimes. The prof GAVE them the one and only question on the exam, so they could prepare ahead of time, and now I am being flooded with rough drafts! Would you, in a million years, assume that your TA could vet a rough draft of an exam answer for you??? Truly unreal.

All this started about Monday night, but it really hit its peak with about thirty emails in one hour yesterday afternoon. Luckily, I had a department function and had to get to, so was saved from having to send out a million ridiculous replies:
“Blah, Blah, Blah. Read the exam guide.
Hope this Helps!
- Holly”

(Frankly, I should just cut and paste that into them all.)

Well, in the midst of thinking about these emails last night, I realized that I didn’t fully understand the question, myself. So, faced with this problem and at least thirty distress calls (many of them from the same small group of true neurotics), I did what any responsible TA would do. I turned off my comp and watched Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), and then went to bed.

Now I am slowly working my way through the class website discussion posts and emails, hoping they do well, (subconsciously) praying they fail, and just plain looking forward to the exam getting over with.

Why can’t they just let me go? It was a beautiful moment we shared kids, but it’s over.

Teach you no more, I can. The truth inside yourself, you must seek. Off my back, get.
(OK, no more Star Wars rap for me.)

Crash and burn, little wankers! Crash and burn.

Why won't you let us be, to live in harmony?
We like to be free like birds in a tree.

(See, Bob has a quote for every occasion. Ah, the freedom part. The wankers part was mine...)

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Every Little Thing is Gonna Be Alright.


Well, Rastafarianism has been very good to me. Presentation and paper passed with flying colours, and with some very nice compliments from a professor that I admire greatly. I am still avoiding the coffee shop to preserve my good mood, just to be safe, but I am pretty shiny today.

Despite having been “slightly hit” by a (slow moving) car on my way to class this morning, I still am pretty chipper. (Some growing stiffness and ache in my hip and knee, on which I came down, but no broken bones or skin. Pretty lucky, over all.) No undergrads on campus today, and everyone is just so happy to see one another one last time before we head into occultation to apply what we have learned to our papers.

Everything looks pretty good from here. Major marking is done, and my last class is out of the way. So this evening I have the department “seasonal” bash, and then I am free of social obligation for a solid block of time to write these papers. I know this stuff, I love my topics, I have plenty to say about them, and, dammit, I am a good student who deserves good marks.

From contemplating dropping out last night to feeling my oats today, I am in good shape, despite all the potential pitfalls that lay ahead and all the obsessive disappointments behind. You know what? The topic gave me a good mark, but I think the lessons of Rastafari thought will stay with me much longer than the theory from the class will.

And I know that everything will work out.
Bob told me so.

Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right" - I won't worry!
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing, oh no!
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Monday, December 05, 2005

I Was the Wise Man Who Brought Misanthropy.

Holy Jeesh!

If there is a hell it is one long line up at a coffee shop where you can clearly hear the vapid musings of fifty of your co-hominids. Did you ever notice how cows take less time to consider their salt lick than some co-eds take to order their iced candy cane lattes???

From here on, let this proclamation go forth!

The following words and sentiments are to be forthwith stricken from human tongues:

“Oh, I, like, totally loooove Christmas, you know?”
“Oh, yeah? Oh, well me, too! I, like, totally looove Christmas, too!”
“I know. It’s, like, so totally great, you know?”
“I know.”


And so on…

So, I don’t wish you a merry Christmas, alright? I wish you pestilence, fear, and anger… And a total and immediate realization of your own uselessness! Is that plain enough for you? Or do I have to add a “like” somewhere in there?

Now, just give me my goddamm coffee and let me go.

70% and Feeling Fine!

DONE! I am done my marking! Started at 5pm, and finished at 1.30am. Not too shabby for 34 essays. Now the grades have all been inputted and emailed off, and I wash my hands of it all. They belong to the ages, now.

So, the average of 70% is roughly what Grimes wanted (from my side, anyway… my fellow TA continues to try my patience by marking a tad too easily), so I am free and clear.

As to the kids, there were no fails, and many of them did better this time than last, so that speaks well of them. Sure, there was that one kid who got Grimes’ name wrong (and also, by the way, spelled his own name wrong on his title page), but that wasn’t indicative of the quality.

I’m glad no one failed… I was having my coffee all day out of the mug they gave me, so I would have felt like a heel ruining their lives at the same time.

So now I treat myself… What’s that Woody? You want me to watch Annie Hall? Well, who am I to argue?

Sunday, December 04, 2005

“I’m Sorta Now, You Know… A Real 70s Man”

It’s 2.02am, and I should be in bed, seeing as how my cold has kept me from really being productive this weekend so far, and I have 30 papers to mark tomorrow.

However, John and I are too wound up, and having a great time being bad. I spent some time wrestling my blog into submission, so you’ll now note my ugly mug to the right of the screen. TA DA! Other than that hilarity, we’re eating cookies, drinking an absolutely disgusting amount of soda pop, and watching silly movies…

Everyone Says I Love You (1996) had not only Woody, but Woody dressed as Groucho, so you know I was in Fantasy Land! Then came one of the worst, being a nasty MGM Annie Hall (1977) rip-off from 1979, Something Short of Paradise, from which the too-good-to-be-true quote in the title of this post comes.

So, now, I think, we’re on to Play it Again, Sam (1972). Man, you gotta love seeing Woody disco!

I know this irresponsible, but dammit I’ve earned this! I’ll pay for it when I’m trying to read those essays with blood-shot eyes, but I’ve often noticed that student papers are better read while impaired.

Hee hee!

If Stacking Cats is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right.


Catch Cat Tetris Fever Here.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

For Dr. Frank Grimes…


Am concentrating on marking this weekend, though my raw throat and sore muscles have made it difficult to do them all in one go. However, I expect great things from my little group of geniuses.

Especially from the little scholar who, when faced with having to remember Dr. Ron Grimes’ name for his title page, chose not to look on the syllabus, but, rather, pulled one out of the air that sounded familiar. Frank Grimes may be a name we’ve all heard, but I am afraid that was the wrong choice.

I have set that essay aside for later. Why have all my treats at once?

Friday, December 02, 2005

It’s Like Being a Reverse Vampire…

So, once again, today I was stuck rushing to post before sundown on a Friday afternoon. (Once the sun goes down I usually feel morally obligated to resist the urge to post… Though I do forget sometimes, and sometimes get so pissed that I have to post or explode. Anger waits for no Sabbath.) However, this afternoon the net went down just as I was trying to get this on… I guess G-d was throwing His weight around.

Well, I am not one to be intimidated, so here’s the update anyway!

My friend Mitra, the Buddhist Monk from Sri Lanka via Kitchener, of whom I have written before, seems to have forgotten his responsibility to do no harm because he has given me one hell of a cold. Listen, the dude’s a monk, so I don’t even touch him, but, nevertheless, he gave me the plague. The problem is, in our Islam class, they took away one of our tables, so yesterday the seven of us had to sit shoulder-to-shoulder for four hours, breathing each other’s used air… Really gross, actually. I should just be glad cancer or pregnancy isn’t air-born or I’d have worse problems then just a cold.

Actually, Mitra was pretty damned adorable in his illness, with a cozy red wool sweater pulled down over his orange robes, and a fuzzy scarf kept around his neck the entire class, like he was Bob Cratchit or something… He may endowed with the light of wisdom, but he sure gets babyish when he’s sick.

As a result, I have slept in, which I admit was badly needed, and am now just praying that my cold doesn’t interrupt my schedule for the weekend. So I will now shove everything over a day, and do all my marking in one sitting tomorrow (even if I have to Krabapple them – B+, B+, B+, B+…), and then do paper work on Sunday.

(And yes, for those keen eyes out there, marking is also forbidden on Sabbath as it involves writing, but right now I fear time more than I fear G-d… He created time, so it’s his fault I’m in this predicament, anyway.)

For today, I will head to bed with a mountain of Kant, Hobbes, Foucault and Geertz, to find the meaning of the word “religion” and its failings (along with my sooky-blanket, a cat and a bucket of ginger ale), and try not to moan myself to death.

Oh, and before I forget, best wishes to Christine who is also working on papers, all my love to Simon who was lost but who I have found, and to Marybeth who was just finishing her comp exam here at Laurier as I was originally writing this entry, so she is probably asleep by now. The first PhD class’s comps at WLU… They blaze a trail for us, the second class, and their courage and sacrifice will not be forgotten!

So the sun is down, and I haven’t turned into a pumpkin, but I won’t press my luck any further. Good night, all!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Rhetoric of the Uncommon Sense.


Happy Birthday, Woody!

Woody Allen was born 70 years ago today as Allan Stewart Konigsberg, in the Bronx, to a Viennese mother, Nettie, and a Russian father, Leon. (Reportedly, he chose the name Woody because his first choice, Mel, was already taken by a sportscaster, and because “Woody” seemed funny. Funny simply because “Woody” is the captain of the football team in Middle America, not a small bespectacled Jew from New York… The beginning of a marvelous career of subverting American “norms” through a careful process of melding self-effacement with an odd form of self-assertion.)

I was going to write a nice historical piece about Woody, but that has already been taken care of. Instead, I sit and ponder the lifelong relationship between he and I, and I think of all the hours of enjoyment I have received, as well as the ways in which his work has affected my life and work.

Those of you who know me, or have followed this blog, may guess how I feel about Woody Allen. Since childhood, along with Groucho Marx and Charlie Chaplin, Allen has been one of the most formative influences on both my sense of humour and my political sensibilities. Further, my identity as a Jew who is unaffiliated with any particular trend of Judaism has been partially forged and grounded in the work of this adorable little man.

The first way in which Woody has impacted my life is in the way he has made me question the privilege of suffering. We all know that the Jews have suffered. Simply put, if G-d were really a Father, we would have sued Him for failure to support years ago. However, despite resistance to his message, Woody often serves as a conscience for the Jews of North America. As long as one guy in the world is hungry, Allen once claimed, he can’t be happy. Further, the greatest charge that Allen has leveled against the Jews is that there can be no hope for a religion that cares only for its own kind, and that there is something seriously wrong with Judaism as currently practiced if the only suffering that matters to its adherents is that of other Jews. I’m not sure if there is any other critique of Judaism that has so profoundly affected me.

The second way that Allen has shaped the way I see myself and the world is the way in which his work has served to interrogate the academic industry of thought production. Allen’s work, which is so attractive to the intellectual set, is first and foremost a rejection of the ivory tower form of scholarship of “Big University Thinkers” who sit and muse on the meanings of Marshall McLuhan, but never just go and watch an audience fall out of their seats laughing at a slapstick picture. For Allen, the world of the intellectual is a world void of vital fluids, and a world in which the search for capital-t Truth obscures the daily life of humans. For Allen there is only Struggle, Employment, Enjoyment, Life, and Love. Truth is irrelevant, except for what one finds in a romantic quest for acceptance and connection.

Allen’s work has also taught me that if someone is more comfortable quoting Karl Marx than Groucho Marx, he probably has never had a single reason to smile in his whole life, and seriously needs to check his priorities, not to mention his pulse.

And anyone who has dedicated their lives to the deconstruction of the thoughts of others probably does so because they have none of their own.

Finally, Allen’s pictures serve as constant reminders for me that experience of the Divine is a thorn in human existence. The fact that some people claim to have faith and to have experienced G-d is one of the cruelest taunts a person can make to the rest of the world. It makes everyone else feel a void that doesn’t have to be there! The fact is that to be human is to be insecure about the world. That was what our ancestors knew, and that is what we feel too when we are naked, sick or undergoing an interview.

However, ultimately, does it matter if there is a G-d? Sure, we’d probably live a bit differently if we had absolute knowledge of G-d, but what point would there be of waiting around for the ending? The final chips fall like this: We can spend our whole life searching for our G-d, but we may not like what we find, so maybe it is just better to find someone to love and a meaning for ourselves that won’t piss G-d off, but neither will it collapse if we found out there is no Higher Power at all.

This seems like pretty good advice to me.

So, Happy Birthday, Woody! Thanks for helping to send me in my current direction, and thanks for the years of pleasure. We may not have proof of the existence of G-d, but as long as we have Woody the small sparks of discomfort and insecurity in us will not force us to be alone in our misery.


"To you, I'm an atheist; to G-d, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

Almost There… Just a Little Further…


Be like the Pope, and haul out your best party hat! Holly is almost done!

Finished my final small assignment tonight, an assessment of Canadian author Wayson Choy’s memoir Paper Shadows: A Chinatown Childhood (Penguin Canada, 1999) as an example of legitimate autoethnography for my PhD methods seminar. Now I have to give the last of my Islam course readings and quick-and-dirty skim before 9am (when I will go to that class FOR THE LAST TIME… EVER!), and I will be done all of my actual pedantic class work for the term except for the readings of two small articles for next Tuesday!!!!!!

On Friday, I will burn through the marking of 35 essays all in one sitting, just to have them over with, and then I am free to start major, and uninterrupted, work on my two term papers for December 14th and 16th, respectively. The glory of actually being able to get on with the real work unhindered by the annoying little road blocks thrown up by class needs!

And when those two papers, and the marking of the exams on the 16th (which Andrew and I are planning on doing in ten hours with a jug of bourbon by our side) is complete, THEN I AM DONE FOR THE TERM!!!

Ca-loo, Ca-lay! I will survive, after all!

I Hate Living Under White Trash Terrorism.

OK, first of all, I don’t really approve of that term, and I have the utmost sympathy for children with clear emotional problems, as well as those who have an under-enriched home environment, but all of this pinko rhetoric has been utterly overrode by my extreme hostility for the people in the apartment above me.

All the friggin’ time the little bastards, instead of reading, doing homework, or going outside for their daily doses of activity, torture me with their sugar-induced cacophony of thumps, bumps and yelps. All evening long, from the time they get home till the time their keeper finally binds them to their cots at midnight, I hear them rattling the crap on my walls with their knuckle-dragging and banging.

Is it my fault their double-wide was most likely burned down by their crappy little mentally-stunted offspring while playing with matches? No. Yet, do I have to listen to their hootenannies and “wrastling”? Yes. Do I enjoy it? No. Can I do anything about it? No.

This situation confirms for me that, if this world could be established based on the meritocracy it should be based upon, I wouldn’t be bothered by that bumpkin family, but, rather, benefit from their labour or organ donations, and not actually have to see (or hear) them.

As it is, I have to grin and bear it. Why? Because certain breeders have firm faith in the divine right of the nasty little litter they have squeezed out to bother everything and everyone in their paths, and that people like me, who feel nothing but a burning distain for their kind of insensitive brutes as a whole, are “just plain mean.” Mean? Moi? Just because I want to enjoy the apartment I pay a great deal of money for, free of the cave-man sounds of video-game-inspired aggression and antiquated “cowboys and injuns” fights from upstairs? Just because I don’t have tolerance for constant banging of obese and violent children taking each other down in some primitive war-training-ritual above my head for ten hours a day?

My knuckles are white, my stomach is aching, and my nerves are stretched, despite having spoken to them about this, and I am the mean one, huh? Well, then mean I am, but at least I am not a sweat-suit-clad vidiot-kid without the sense to just go the hell to bed, or a bleach-blond hairspray museum who gave birth to a series of vidiot children, but is too busy on the phone with Darla to make them behave.

I think I’m comfortable with that, if not with the noise levels.
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