More Ups and Downs

What a day.

I woke up with some sort of stomach thing that kind of ruined my morning, but I got over it. I did some book promo stuff, which was all fine, and then I fixed my library privilege issue, which is great.

THEN, I get an email... My heavens, such an email. A school in the States wants to interview little ol me for a Real Tenure Track Job!

They said, specifically - if you are in town for such-n-such conference, we could easily meet up there. OR (as we know not everyone will be able to go), we can do phone interview just as easily.

I sat there for a good two minutes, absolutely stunned. I have never gotten this far in a real job search. This position, though extremely well-suited to my education and research interests, is really about five years out of my league. I was thrilled. Terrified. Shocked.

But ecstatic. This is real progress, folks!

So, I email my ex-advisor with the news, and she promptly informs me that if I don't go to the conference, I've lost it from the start, because if I take the phone option I will not get the job.

...

So, deflated, I pretty much lost all excitement within 20 minutes of that e-mail. There is no way I can afford to travel to the States, and knowing that the phone interview is likely a waste of time did not help me.

BUT, I start to think... Hey, the guy said either way was fine, so I'm going to take that as his word, and do what I can. Yes, the in-person people will have an edge, but I am also perfect for the job (minus the one to five years of teaching experience most people have before they are even considered for a tenure track job). I'm personable, and, frankly, in-person is not always a bonus if you are not great looking or well dressed or a seasoned travellor, right?

She has her point, but I am going to assume I am not yet licked.

And, in any case, this really is progress that I managed to survive the first round of cuts and got this far. This is Big News.

So, I start to bring myself out of it all. And I call my mum, and she agrees this is very exciting. And I ask her about her day.

My dad is in hospital tonight. He got another windpipe obstruction, so they are removing it and doing some sort of procedure to widen his windpipe. And tests for throat cancer.

So...

Yes.

It's been quite a day.

Hoping for the best on all accounts.

not so happy friday

I regret to say I called home today to hear that my aunt Cathy passed away this morning after a long battle with cancer.

Sending all positive thoughts to my family all the way back home, especially to her two children.

I wish I could be with my mum this week as she buries her baby sister.

Lovely Start to the Day

Well, they seem to have cut off my long distance calling abilities on my phone, despite the extension they gave me on paying my bill. So now I am stuck here, and no way to call my mum for a few days (hope she doesn't panic). That might not sound like much of a crisis, but that daily phone call really does help me keep sane. Thank heavens my internet still works.

Also, I had a panic attack when I woke up, thinking I was late for work (tomorrow).

Yep. It's gonna be a super day!

Finishing the Unfinished

My favourite aunt, who has been fighting a persistent and mobile cancer for about 15 years now, has been told this week that the cancer can no longer be treated and she has about two months left. I think she suspected as much, but she still has her "let's beat cancer" front on, which is good - she was always so feisty. It would break me if she was suddenly defeated.

However, she emailed me to ask for my mailing address as she is rushing to finish the quilt she is making for the tot, and wants to send it ASAP. The "before I go" part of that was left unsaid. I find myself unbelievably touched that a woman tying up her loose ends would devote her precious time to finishing a quilt for my son. I'm not terribly superstitious, but you have to think that quilt will have a significant power to it.

If there is a "good side" to all this, the silver lining for me, as a mother, is that this month she gets to watch her oldest son graduate college and her youngest son graduate high school. It's a sad situation, but I am happy she will get to see them both set on their paths of adulthood before she must leave them. If you've got to go, wouldn't you want to know your kids will be alright?

ETA: Bawling like a baby. A quote from my aunt's email just now: "That baby is a beauty just like you were when you were little. I still think of the day you called me Grammy. My friends teased me for a long time (i think I was almost 25!) I loved it!How could it get better than to be loved by a great kid like you."

I miss home so much.

OK - I Admit It

Sigh. My mum did get to me. She's not really the naggy sort, as such, but when she decides to make me feel like crap, she sure can. I will admit I am aggravated, and much of my morning zen is gone. I will try to regain it, if I can. sigh. Family.

Note to self: When you become a mom to an adult child, just keep your trap shut.

I will really try to remember that.

Watermelon and Other Joys

So, I finally found a watermelon! When I was a kid, you see, my mum would always get me a watermelon to celebrate when I "graded" at the end of the school year. It seems very fitting for me to have one this year. It's delicious.

This morning, I woke up early after a full night's sleep. The tot was still asleep, so I did my puttering and email in peace. I got an email from a dept on campus to let me know they've received my application and would let me know if they wanted an interview. I checked my forums, etc. Someone in the US Googled me by name - interesting.

At about 7.30, I was a bit chilly, so I climbed into bed beside the tot. He was very warm, but had a wet pair of PJ bottoms. Briefly considered rousing him for a diaper/PJ change; I decided to let him sleep. He smelled like high apple juice content urine, but otherwise was very snuggly. So I ignored the pee, and the cold wet against me, and kissed him on the head. My little pee-covered angel.

He woke up a little while later, and had breakfast. For some reason, he decided to eat his apple sauce out of his toy wok. I decided not to interfere. Different strokes for different folks, right?

My coffee is nearly brewed, and I've had a nice bowl of sweet, juicy melon. Talked to my mum, and even her slagging my apartment, etc., has not destroyed my good mood. Moms are as moms are, right?

Today, I clean, and try to resume normal life again. I've got about 5 apps left (due Friday and Monday), so I guess now I just have to live and keep zen while I wait and hope.

And try to enjoy the little things in life.

Deadline

OK, so thanks to a handout from mom and dad (which doesn't at all make me feel like a complete loser at 32), I will be able to just barely handle printing costs for Monday, should that be essential - which it will be, since advisor is really unlikely to have more time for this until the weekend, I am pretty sure.

SO - Monday is the day. Either I submit on Monday, or I drop out on Monday. I am laying that deadline out. No negotiations.

Seriously, a PhD is hardly worth the money it has already cost me. No way that school is getting another $3000 that I don't have.

Family News

Today, I got some worrying news - my dad had to go to the hospital this morning.

Nothing too serious, I hope; he has what is known as "steakhouse syndrome" - he has a blocked esophagus way down in there and a blockage that will neither come up or go down, so he can't eat or drink until it it is removed. He can breathe ok, but it is driving him a bit nuts, as you can imagine.

Nothing major, but it's always a worry when someone in their 70s goes to hospital - the hospital is not a healthy place.

So, yeah, being a doctor isn't all that useful in this case.

UPDATE (8pm):

So my dad got fixed up and is already home - so yay for that.

But now the docs want to start poking around to find out why he got a blockage in the first place, and will not accept his "I'm old, and don't chew well enough," and have decided to start looking around for "cause" - they aren't directly saying cancer, but they specifically said they want to look because he used to chew tobacco, so...

Well, he's ok, and I don't think this is more than just doctors being cautious snoops, but it's a bit stressful. It's pretty expensive to get home from here, so my dad has never met my son. I really hope he's going to be ok.

Happy Mother's Day!

This is something the tot and I made for Mother's Day. I will hang it on the wall, despite the fact that it nearly drives me into sugar shock with its sweetness.

And if you do not think it is darling, I pity you your cold and withered heart. Or, you know, you and I have differing opinions on what constitutes darling, to put it in less dramatic terms.

(Day off from Defence Stuff today!)

Note to Self: Don't Call Mum

_

I made the mistake of calling my mum for her birthday today. Not wise.

After some greetings and such, I mentioned my hope of finishing in time to graduate in June, etc. Her response: "And then you'll have to worry about where to find a job."

Yes, mum, because a mother scraping to support herself and her child by herself might accidentally forget the crushing, desperate weight of her responsibility. Wouldn't that be a shame.

So, now, I feel the creeping sense of dread and depression that comes with such thoughts encroaching on the edges of my spirit again. With it comes the defeatism that nags, "Why bother finishing at all? We all know it's not going to be worth anything."

She felt badly afterwards, but the depression lingers.

With mothers being the way they are, who needs enemies?

Happy Birthday, to my Mum.

Although she doesn't surf the information freeway herself, I'd like to wish my mum a happy 42nd (*wink*) birthday today...

That would make her about 10 when I was born.

Way to go, Mum.

To the Pink

*


There's an interesting "cultural history" of the colour pink in today's Globe and Mail, which, in part, investigates why we slather girls in pink from their first breath.

I personally abhor the practice, both as a female who had to endure pink gifts from relatives (not from my own blessed parents, who very early on understood my dislike for the colour), but also as a parent who cannot understand the heavy hand people use in gendering small children.

Pink, while actually a fairly pretty colour, represents so much more than a rosy hue - it is the crass market's way of categorizing future consumers.

However, it should not be assumed that boys are void of such things; while I have nothing against blue, personally, some aggressively-"masculine" clothing items for boys go far too far. For example, camouflage on an infant, being that it represents the governmental use of violence, inspires revulsion in me.

(Children should not be raised as mini-soldierbots in the making; I live in constant hope that the days of "dolce et decorum est" will end.)

When will people come around to the idea that a baby knows what/who it is as it grows, no matter what colours are on its back? Why continue this socially acceptable mimicry of Crips Vs Bloods through the gender gang warfare between blue and pink?

And, as a side note, when on earth did the Valtrex Queen Paris Hilton become a "role model" for little girls? The mind (and the stomach) reels.

How to Tell Your Folks Have Gone Slightly Round the Bend

Just called my mum. She couldn't talk right now, and asked me to call back later.

She was busy making porridge for the dogs.

...

Horrified

I had a cat in highschool, Grace. I loved that cat more than most humans in my life. When I left for university, my mum moved back in with my dad (long story there), and took the cat with her. Then, just before I was done my first year, the cat passed away - she was pretty old, and my mum said she died quietly in the yard, and that they just found her under my dad's truck, dead.

I was devastated, but you know that these things happen, so I dealt with it.

Now, on the phone with mum today, she had this "confession." Turns out, the cat did not die peacefully, but was mauled to death by my dad's foul beast of a dog - who was not put to sleep afterwards, and went on to terrorize the family for several more years only to die in his sleep. Some justice there!

So, now, I am in mourning all over again. It's like I lost her all over again, the wound is that fresh. To find out such a good and loving cat came to such a brutal end just destroys me.

The point of this... Well, I guess mum should have told me the truth at the time, but I know she is no good at that sort of thing. However, I do wonder what the point is of telling me now, years later?

I guess it got the guilt off her chest for having lied to me, but it didn't make me feel any better to know now.

So, if you tell "little white lies," please be prepared to live with them - revealing the truth later may do something for you, but it might really hurt the person on the other end.

R.I.P., Grace - you were a fine and handsome cat, still in my heart. I miss you, Gracey.

Do You Have a Bucket List?

Just watched the movie The Bucket List tonight. I'm a bit of a sucker for Morgan Freeman and (occasionally) Rob Reiner movies, and it was an ok flick. But, as things usually go, I was puttering around after the movie, and then, in the only place a mom of a small child can do any thinking, I got to considering my own bucket list while having a quiet piddle.

The "gist" of this movie is that two guys, having only 6 mos to a year left while dying of cancer, decide to complete a long wacky list of things before they "kick the bucket" (hence the name).

Now, they had a lot of dough at their disposal, and I do not, but I do have (I hope) more time, so I think it evens out.

(Now, don't snicker...)

My Bucket List:

1. Raise one sensible, caring and wonderful child to self-sufficiency.
2. Get my PhD.
3. Publish something of which I can be proud.
4. Spend some quality time with my folks some day soon. (They live far away.)
5. Write my screenplay... even if it ends up sitting in a drawer forever.
6. Try to give back what I have received.
7. Touch Nova Scotian soil once more.
8. Enjoy a real, honest moment of restful self-satisfaction.
9. Get to a point in my life where I can actually lay my head down at night without worrying and truly appreciate it.
10. Live long enough and use my time so well that I am required to make another Bucket List once this one is completed.

Anyone else?

Happy Birthday, Mum

Didn't get her card or gift in the mail, because I suck.

But Happy Birthday, Mum.

We love you!

Back

I'm back on the Internet, but am now attacking my marking and other work before I sink under a pile of stuff.

It was a nice visit, and I got some help rearranging the apartment, so my mood is significantly brightened.

BACK TO WORK!

Update

I have been out of communication due to in-laws visiting for the week. All is relatively well - term is wrapping up, and I am even managing to get a bit of work done.

Should be back to regular posts soon-ish.

Holy Flying Time, Bat Man!

My brother turns 39 today! In my head, he is still 18.

Happy birthday, bro.

I Should be in Ohio

Today, my husband's grandmother is being buried, and Declan and I are stuck up here. We send our warmest condolences, but that feels pretty paltry.