icky feeling

I hate that feeling you get when a hunch tells you someone is mad at you, but they don't just say so. That guilty paranoia - makes me sick to the tummy.

:(

phooey

Feeling down and remorseful about not being able to go to that conference to meet the hiring committee in person. Overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness and futility, and the sense that I will never get a real job because I don't have enough money to compete for them.

My advisor's pessimism has gotten me again. I know she is right. Not going has already sunk my application. There really is no point in even doing a phone interview. This job will go to someone who has a rich enough family or enough credit or a good enough job to afford travel.

One truth that is eternal - if you are poor, the world works to keep you that way.

Only the well-off can afford to better their situation.

The rest of us better just get on welfare so the well-off can have someone to look down on.

I know my place.

More Ups and Downs

What a day.

I woke up with some sort of stomach thing that kind of ruined my morning, but I got over it. I did some book promo stuff, which was all fine, and then I fixed my library privilege issue, which is great.

THEN, I get an email... My heavens, such an email. A school in the States wants to interview little ol me for a Real Tenure Track Job!

They said, specifically - if you are in town for such-n-such conference, we could easily meet up there. OR (as we know not everyone will be able to go), we can do phone interview just as easily.

I sat there for a good two minutes, absolutely stunned. I have never gotten this far in a real job search. This position, though extremely well-suited to my education and research interests, is really about five years out of my league. I was thrilled. Terrified. Shocked.

But ecstatic. This is real progress, folks!

So, I email my ex-advisor with the news, and she promptly informs me that if I don't go to the conference, I've lost it from the start, because if I take the phone option I will not get the job.

...

So, deflated, I pretty much lost all excitement within 20 minutes of that e-mail. There is no way I can afford to travel to the States, and knowing that the phone interview is likely a waste of time did not help me.

BUT, I start to think... Hey, the guy said either way was fine, so I'm going to take that as his word, and do what I can. Yes, the in-person people will have an edge, but I am also perfect for the job (minus the one to five years of teaching experience most people have before they are even considered for a tenure track job). I'm personable, and, frankly, in-person is not always a bonus if you are not great looking or well dressed or a seasoned travellor, right?

She has her point, but I am going to assume I am not yet licked.

And, in any case, this really is progress that I managed to survive the first round of cuts and got this far. This is Big News.

So, I start to bring myself out of it all. And I call my mum, and she agrees this is very exciting. And I ask her about her day.

My dad is in hospital tonight. He got another windpipe obstruction, so they are removing it and doing some sort of procedure to widen his windpipe. And tests for throat cancer.

So...

Yes.

It's been quite a day.

Hoping for the best on all accounts.

Guilty Conscience

I feel really guilty.

I took Sprout to the park today, and on the way home he pitched this long, drug out temper tantrum - all the way home. He refused to walk or be carried, so I basically had to fling him under my arm and struggle him on home. He is not very light any more, especially when he is flailing and I am sick as a dog.

As he kicked and flailed and struggled, he kept knocking his hat off - this really ugly hat he picked out for himself and adored for some reason. Any way, about the fifth time it flew off, I told him if he did it again, I wouldn't go back for it. I was an inch away from bursting into tears myself with humiliation and frustration, and every minute or so a boot or something would go flying and I couldn't handle trying to keep everything juggled.

Well, he knocked it off once more, so we left it. He cried, but by that point I just wanted to get home. It stayed on the sidewalk.

Now I feel like an enormous heel about it. He doesn't seem to be mourning the loss, but I feel so mean. I admit I am having difficulty coping with his public (and even his private) tantrums, and sometimes I just reach the limits of my sanity. Still, I feel bad about him losing his hat.

I just can't shake the feeling that I am constantly screwing up, and it's wearing on me.

Life isn't great right now.

Update: Still Alive

I am hanging in there. Trying to get my work done, and feel ok.

Spent a good portion last night helping my advisor complete the application package for the award I will not be there in person at grad to receive, even if I win it by some miracle. (sigh.) Today, I worked towards banking some posts for the author blog, to free up my week a bit for "real writing." I've also got a butt load of academic stuff to do this week - a lecture or two to write/prepare, a chapter of the diss to modify for publication, a couple job postings to address.

So, yep - that's about it. Nothing fancy, but I'm hanging in there.

I kind of feel like I am about to crack.

But... I can't/won't.

So what, I won't be able to go to convocation? Who cares about that?

I am alive, and I will continue to survive. Somehow, I will do that.

I am heart sore at being here in exile right now, and not in Nova Scotia where I belong, where I have people who remember my name without being reminded.

But I have the tot. And myself.

I will manage, because I have to.

End of story.

hump day

Today, I have to tame this messy living room down a bit, and I have to scrounge up some groceries on a very little money. And I have to do some major writing, since I have been really groggy and slacking these past few days.

I also want to think about sending in the short story by the end of the week, if possible - I think I need the motivation another acceptance would give me. I've used up the motivation from the first one, I guess.

I'm a bit glum today, but I'm hoping some coffee and productivity will help with that.

Just keep on rolling.

perspective

You know what's crazy? I never did give myself a pat on the back for finishing my PhD. I spent no time celebrating that or savouring it. I went on to job hunting and the teaching portfolio. And then I got a course. And I didn't pause to enjoy that, either. I then moved on to getting my novel published. But then you know what happened? It got accepted, and I didn't really feel good about that, either! Now I am on to getting some short pieces published and my full length written, etc.

It's crazy, when you think about it. I never appreciate my laurels. I only see "what next?" I'm like a shark who'll die if she stops.

You know how some people look in the mirror and see themselves as fat, no matter how skinny they are? I am like that, but with brains or accomplishments, or personal triumphs, etc. I am just never satisfied, no matter what I do. I never have been.

Anyway, this song helps me pause and put all this in perspective. It reminds me that I really need to take a moment and enjoy my grad this time, since I have never bothered going to any of my previous university graduations. I always just got them to mail me the degree, because I was already off to new goals.

That's a problem. I need to do something about that.

When Things Get Tough...

... the tough turn to country hurtin' songs.

anger

I'm angry today. I want to shout and throw things. This came on the heels of my isolation phase. I guess the next stage is, what? Bargaining? I'm already depressed, so maybe I'll skip that stage. I hope acceptance is right around the corner.

Not that I believe that whole "5 stages" crap... But it's nice to think acceptance and dealing with stuff is neigh. I just don't want to feel bad any more.

bad feeling

This morning, I woke up feeling like the world is about to cave in on me. Panic in my chest. One week left to the month, and a few things I have to do to take care of some stuff, and rent due shortly. A few stressful things.

Perhaps my nerves are just plain shot.

Otherwise, just another day just like every other day.

A Bit More Wallow Music

"Unloved"

Sarah McLachlan-Ordinary Miracle

All is Well

Yep.

Basically, everything is fine. Honest.

(I know. I'm shocked, too.)

Park

Tot and I are back into the swing of our daily park visit, which was the nicest thing about last summer, and has improved our daily routine so far this summer. The humidity largely keeps us confined to our underground lair during the day, but that hour or two idling away in the sandpile or on the swings does us both a world of good.

In terms of work - I gotta pick up the pace a bit on RA stuff, and I should likely get rolling on my lectures for winter term. Will strive to remember those.

Sorry - it's not much of a post, but that's all the news fit to print.

Vitamin Cute

The other day I was feeling glum, and stressed about money, etc., and little Sprout sat down next to me, patted my shoulder and said, "Hi! Howeru?" and then put his head on my shoulder. We sat there like that for a little bit. Then he put his silly Robin Hood hat on my head, laughed like mad, and scampered away.

You really can't beat "medicine" like that, eh?

Encouragement

Retrieving the zen.

About three years ago, I posted a list of ten things I love about myself. It was completely egotistical and self-aggrandizing, but I think sometimes such things are good for the soul - conceit and modesty in moderate measure, right? (Especially during job hunting.)

So, here's ten more things I love about myself, and things I should keep in mind during the soul-sodomizing process of looking for a job:

1. I like the way I look. I'm a little chunky, and I could really stand a new wardrobe and a bit more self-care, but, in general, I am pleasant on the eyes, I think.

2. I put quite a lot of care and thought into motherhood - I have tried to develop a few guiding principles to raising my son, which I think (hope) fosters some continuity within my decisions, rules and behaviours. I try to be a rational parent, even when he is driving me completely nuts.

3. I did my PhD in just over four years, with a child and fairly small funding. Believe me, this is kind of a heroic feat - most PhD students in Canada take between four and ten years - most fall around seven years. And that's without children, for many of them. I know speed is not the point, as it is not a race, but it does indicate something about my drive, abilities and determination, I think. Many people had me pegged as a drop-out, I think, when I had a baby. But I showed them all. I really need to take more joy in this accomplishment.

4. My dissertation is innovative, well-written and interesting, I think. I put a lot of effort into it, and I do think (though I am sick of it) it was a fine accomplishment for a young scholar. I also have managed to nail down a fairly good CV in my relatively short degree, with a handful of promising publications. I know some students, of whom I have been quite jealous and/or intimidated, who do not have such a CV. I think it is time for me to lay to rest that feeling that I don't measure up. I actually have a pretty good record. It's time for me to believe that, I think.

5. My brain is lively and interdisciplinary - I am not attached to any particular theory or school of thought, and I can apply sociological principles as easy as I can cultural studies, etc. Of course, I am often behind the game in discerning which is which, but I chose to chalk that up to a fine, lateral mind.

6. I am quick-witted and can talk very well. In an interview or Q&A, I appear authoritative and knowledgeable, so this will serve me well in the job hunt. This is an asset. And, you know what? I am beginning to think I may not just be appearing authoritative and knowledgeable... I may actually BE authoritative and knowledgeable. huh.

7. I am a good household manager - I can make due on very little grocery money, and the meals can still be tasty and nutritious. This is a major skill to have in uncertain times, I think.

8. I am able to take pleasure in very minor, practical enjoyments - movies I have watched a million times, staying in with a book, taking a long walk. I have a very simple life, and I am ok with that most of the time. I get restless like most people at times, but I am not the sort to feel hard-pressed if I can't go to bars or take a yearly vacation to some place new. I like where I am. I think that shows an inner satisfaction that I often miss about myself.

9. I have good taste in music, movies and such. I have a wide interest, and I try to learn about the things I enjoy. I also try to keep movies and things in mind so I can mention them to people who might like them, and I am often correct in my recommendations. Yet, I don't get annoyed when I am wrong. I just like to share. I am particularly keen on sharing my musical tastes with my son, who is turning out to have pretty awesome, eclectic tastes, as well.

10. I love my son, and he loves me.

That was a useful exercise. I feel better. Refreshed for the job hunt ahead.

Now... lunch!

OK - I Admit It

Sigh. My mum did get to me. She's not really the naggy sort, as such, but when she decides to make me feel like crap, she sure can. I will admit I am aggravated, and much of my morning zen is gone. I will try to regain it, if I can. sigh. Family.

Note to self: When you become a mom to an adult child, just keep your trap shut.

I will really try to remember that.

Watermelon and Other Joys

So, I finally found a watermelon! When I was a kid, you see, my mum would always get me a watermelon to celebrate when I "graded" at the end of the school year. It seems very fitting for me to have one this year. It's delicious.

This morning, I woke up early after a full night's sleep. The tot was still asleep, so I did my puttering and email in peace. I got an email from a dept on campus to let me know they've received my application and would let me know if they wanted an interview. I checked my forums, etc. Someone in the US Googled me by name - interesting.

At about 7.30, I was a bit chilly, so I climbed into bed beside the tot. He was very warm, but had a wet pair of PJ bottoms. Briefly considered rousing him for a diaper/PJ change; I decided to let him sleep. He smelled like high apple juice content urine, but otherwise was very snuggly. So I ignored the pee, and the cold wet against me, and kissed him on the head. My little pee-covered angel.

He woke up a little while later, and had breakfast. For some reason, he decided to eat his apple sauce out of his toy wok. I decided not to interfere. Different strokes for different folks, right?

My coffee is nearly brewed, and I've had a nice bowl of sweet, juicy melon. Talked to my mum, and even her slagging my apartment, etc., has not destroyed my good mood. Moms are as moms are, right?

Today, I clean, and try to resume normal life again. I've got about 5 apps left (due Friday and Monday), so I guess now I just have to live and keep zen while I wait and hope.

And try to enjoy the little things in life.