perspective

You know what's crazy? I never did give myself a pat on the back for finishing my PhD. I spent no time celebrating that or savouring it. I went on to job hunting and the teaching portfolio. And then I got a course. And I didn't pause to enjoy that, either. I then moved on to getting my novel published. But then you know what happened? It got accepted, and I didn't really feel good about that, either! Now I am on to getting some short pieces published and my full length written, etc.

It's crazy, when you think about it. I never appreciate my laurels. I only see "what next?" I'm like a shark who'll die if she stops.

You know how some people look in the mirror and see themselves as fat, no matter how skinny they are? I am like that, but with brains or accomplishments, or personal triumphs, etc. I am just never satisfied, no matter what I do. I never have been.

Anyway, this song helps me pause and put all this in perspective. It reminds me that I really need to take a moment and enjoy my grad this time, since I have never bothered going to any of my previous university graduations. I always just got them to mail me the degree, because I was already off to new goals.

That's a problem. I need to do something about that.

Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Panini Pua Kea

A Little Prayer from a Non-Prayer-Type-Person

Tonight, I consider Joshua 1.9:

Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, nor dismayed: for the Lord your G-d is with you wherever you go.

May we all be of good courage, and find the strength we need.

All the best for a smooth Friday, a good end of the week's hurry, and a fine weekend!

Encouragement

Retrieving the zen.

About three years ago, I posted a list of ten things I love about myself. It was completely egotistical and self-aggrandizing, but I think sometimes such things are good for the soul - conceit and modesty in moderate measure, right? (Especially during job hunting.)

So, here's ten more things I love about myself, and things I should keep in mind during the soul-sodomizing process of looking for a job:

1. I like the way I look. I'm a little chunky, and I could really stand a new wardrobe and a bit more self-care, but, in general, I am pleasant on the eyes, I think.

2. I put quite a lot of care and thought into motherhood - I have tried to develop a few guiding principles to raising my son, which I think (hope) fosters some continuity within my decisions, rules and behaviours. I try to be a rational parent, even when he is driving me completely nuts.

3. I did my PhD in just over four years, with a child and fairly small funding. Believe me, this is kind of a heroic feat - most PhD students in Canada take between four and ten years - most fall around seven years. And that's without children, for many of them. I know speed is not the point, as it is not a race, but it does indicate something about my drive, abilities and determination, I think. Many people had me pegged as a drop-out, I think, when I had a baby. But I showed them all. I really need to take more joy in this accomplishment.

4. My dissertation is innovative, well-written and interesting, I think. I put a lot of effort into it, and I do think (though I am sick of it) it was a fine accomplishment for a young scholar. I also have managed to nail down a fairly good CV in my relatively short degree, with a handful of promising publications. I know some students, of whom I have been quite jealous and/or intimidated, who do not have such a CV. I think it is time for me to lay to rest that feeling that I don't measure up. I actually have a pretty good record. It's time for me to believe that, I think.

5. My brain is lively and interdisciplinary - I am not attached to any particular theory or school of thought, and I can apply sociological principles as easy as I can cultural studies, etc. Of course, I am often behind the game in discerning which is which, but I chose to chalk that up to a fine, lateral mind.

6. I am quick-witted and can talk very well. In an interview or Q&A, I appear authoritative and knowledgeable, so this will serve me well in the job hunt. This is an asset. And, you know what? I am beginning to think I may not just be appearing authoritative and knowledgeable... I may actually BE authoritative and knowledgeable. huh.

7. I am a good household manager - I can make due on very little grocery money, and the meals can still be tasty and nutritious. This is a major skill to have in uncertain times, I think.

8. I am able to take pleasure in very minor, practical enjoyments - movies I have watched a million times, staying in with a book, taking a long walk. I have a very simple life, and I am ok with that most of the time. I get restless like most people at times, but I am not the sort to feel hard-pressed if I can't go to bars or take a yearly vacation to some place new. I like where I am. I think that shows an inner satisfaction that I often miss about myself.

9. I have good taste in music, movies and such. I have a wide interest, and I try to learn about the things I enjoy. I also try to keep movies and things in mind so I can mention them to people who might like them, and I am often correct in my recommendations. Yet, I don't get annoyed when I am wrong. I just like to share. I am particularly keen on sharing my musical tastes with my son, who is turning out to have pretty awesome, eclectic tastes, as well.

10. I love my son, and he loves me.

That was a useful exercise. I feel better. Refreshed for the job hunt ahead.

Now... lunch!

OK - I Admit It

Sigh. My mum did get to me. She's not really the naggy sort, as such, but when she decides to make me feel like crap, she sure can. I will admit I am aggravated, and much of my morning zen is gone. I will try to regain it, if I can. sigh. Family.

Note to self: When you become a mom to an adult child, just keep your trap shut.

I will really try to remember that.

Watermelon and Other Joys

So, I finally found a watermelon! When I was a kid, you see, my mum would always get me a watermelon to celebrate when I "graded" at the end of the school year. It seems very fitting for me to have one this year. It's delicious.

This morning, I woke up early after a full night's sleep. The tot was still asleep, so I did my puttering and email in peace. I got an email from a dept on campus to let me know they've received my application and would let me know if they wanted an interview. I checked my forums, etc. Someone in the US Googled me by name - interesting.

At about 7.30, I was a bit chilly, so I climbed into bed beside the tot. He was very warm, but had a wet pair of PJ bottoms. Briefly considered rousing him for a diaper/PJ change; I decided to let him sleep. He smelled like high apple juice content urine, but otherwise was very snuggly. So I ignored the pee, and the cold wet against me, and kissed him on the head. My little pee-covered angel.

He woke up a little while later, and had breakfast. For some reason, he decided to eat his apple sauce out of his toy wok. I decided not to interfere. Different strokes for different folks, right?

My coffee is nearly brewed, and I've had a nice bowl of sweet, juicy melon. Talked to my mum, and even her slagging my apartment, etc., has not destroyed my good mood. Moms are as moms are, right?

Today, I clean, and try to resume normal life again. I've got about 5 apps left (due Friday and Monday), so I guess now I just have to live and keep zen while I wait and hope.

And try to enjoy the little things in life.