What I see right now:

Sprout, wearing a red and green shirt and a pair of blue/black/green stripped leggings, with a green basket on his head, sitting (fully clothed) on his potty, and dancing wildly to banjo music.

"Free spirit" is putting it mildly.

Where's Your Loincloth?

Watching the Disney Tarzan with the tot this morning - he looked at the little boy Tarzen and pointed, and said, "That me!"

Yes, I think it is officially past time he had a hair cut.

I Feel Like Poop - Mean Poop, at That...

Well, Sprout is at daycare... and I am sitting here alone for the first time in about seven or eight months - the last time I had the apartment to myself was the day before my dissertation defence, I think. Man, it's eerie.

He cried and cried. And I tortured myself by standing outside the door listening to the "mooooooooommmmmyyyy!" for about a minute, before I couldn't take it any more and ran. I do hope he enjoys himself, though he looked so small and confused. :(

I don't like this.

***
ETA: When do you think is too soon to call and check in?

***

ETA2: Sprout made it through his first day in fine shape, and so did I. :)

sadness, guilt and indecision

I feel awful about sending Sprout to daycare. Today's the day, but I have this urge to call him in sick today - take one last week together. (He only goes on Mondays and Tuesdays.)

I feel guilty about sending him on a day I am not actually teaching in-class, like I am shuffling him off without a good enough reason. Sure, there are things I can do (cleaning, writing, computer stuff), and I have my online teaching tasks, etc, but it just seems so wrong to dump in at daycare and then come back home. If I'm here, then he should be, too. I have never ditched him for no good reason before, and I feel like crying.

Still, I don't really want his first day to be the day I am not near a phone... But this is killing me a bit. :(

Ingrate!

We've packed the tot's book bag with his water bottle and such, and the satchel containing the things we have to leave in his locker at the centre (diapers, toiletries, blanket, change of clothes). All that's left is to sneak his sock monkey into his backpack for nap time.

He is currently sitting in the front hall of the apartment with his backpack on, telling me it's time to go. The little ingrate.

Oh, and my phone box keeps dying and rebooting every half hour or so... I guess I shouldn't have cancelled my tech appointment, after all. sigh.

Tomorrow is the big day - no tot from 9am til 4pm. I am a little flustered as to what to do with myself. Let's just hope the phone works well enough for me to call a couple times to reassure myself he is doing okay.

How did he get old enough for daycare so soon, anyway???

:(

Panic

Woke up this morning in a major state of anxiety - I thought I had overslept and missed something really important, like work or class, etc... It makes sense, I guess, since today is the last day before everything starts off and running. Today, I have lots to do to prepare - laundry, and the phone tech guy is coming to figure out why my phone line dies every couple of hours and reboots continually.

Tomorrow, the real stress begins: Sprout starts daycare, so I am in knots about that, making sure his little bag is packed with his supplies and so forth. Lots of maternal hand-wringing going on there. I hope he likes it.

Tomorrow, the online course also begins, and I still am not certain what the hell I am supposed to do with the thing.

Thursday, I have my Big Scary Job Interview via Skype with a uni in the States, for a job I never, ever thought I would even have a shot at. I have no idea how to even prepare for that, aside from polishing my webcam lens.

Then, next Monday, not only does Sprout start daycare for his two days a week, but I start teaching, with my first actual class. It's a little horrifying.

So, add to that all the work I need to get done this month, and I am a little freaked out. But, today is still a holiday, so I need to breathe and stay calm. Cleaning, laundry, spending time with the tot... Calm.

Really, not calm... But working on it.

***

ETA: I just had the extreme pleasure of cancelling my phone tech appointment, since the phone seems to be doing fine now (since about 4pm last night). The guy on the phone ran a test, and he said it looked fine from his end, as well. I suspect it was a system problem that had nothing to do with my phone box, anyway. In any case, phone is working and I don't have a tech guy infiltrating my home today. So, now my day is clear to work, do laundry and prepare the tot and I for the onslaught we face this week. Now, to explain "daycare" to the poor kid...

Resolutions, 2011 Edition

2010 has been quite a year. I had my first professional fiction published, got my first academic job and my first real interview (coming up in January!), finished and received my PhD... All that has been wonderful. I have also spent the entire year living hand to mouth without a job, scraping and dodging, and trying to come up with every month's rent like a crisis. I guess you could say 2010 has been the best of times and the worst of times. I'm kind of glad it's over, but I have done a lot and made a lot of progress, so I am happy it went the way it did. It could have been more comfortable, but we survived.

So, now, in the last week of 2010 - some goals for the upcoming year.

1. To continue writing and improving at my writing, since i does make me happy, but to make it a smaller part of my waking hours.

2. To increase my academic publishing and conference record for the CV.

3. To continue to strive for a permanent teaching job, or, failing that, to secure term-by-term contracts all year so I don't have to deal with unemployment in 2011. Or, failing even that, to save as much as I can during the good times so the lean times won't be so stressful.

4. To do really, really well at my teaching - I need good evaluations for the job hunt, and I want to make myself proud of me.

5. To generally live a better life. Be healthier, keep a better home, stay on top of things and be less stressed. To enjoy my time with the tot more, and be a happier person. To have a better life, in all the big and small ways I can do that.

Happy 2011!

busy, busy, busy

Getting my two course sites up and running - brand new finalized syllabi are up in PDF, no less. I also designed the rough drafts for the term paper instructions and midterm for my in-class course, and marked out a time management plan on a separate calendar to make sure I can handle all the marking that comes with 160 students (100 first years; 60 third years).

I am also catching up on a bunch of academics-related emails that had fallen by the wayside while I fought off the plague - an editor of an encyclopedia wants to know if I can write them some entries, and some grad student wants me to participate in a panel discussion, and I had to do some follow up on some RA work and a job application.

The next couple of weeks will be dedicated to reading ahead for both courses, preparing lectures in advance (my in-class course and one guest lecture), re-writing that chapter, and doing those two Valentine's Day short stories. I also want to finish and edit my NaNo novel so I can submit it to a publisher in January... That's a lot to do, with not a lot of time to do it.

Also, as a side note, the tot has discovered that claiming to need to go poop in the potty is a great way to defer bedtime for at least 20 minutes. Kid's an evil genius for sure.

Sickness; Parenting Woes

Sprout is fairly ill - fever and a bad cough. He's a trooper, but he was really sluggish today. Now I feel my chest starting to ache, as well.

I've also been a little obsessed with coaxing him to talk more, since daycare is making me panicky (places like that love to label kids, and I don't want him stuck with three different forms of therapy this year or something).

Uh oh - I hear a coughing tot. Must go.

It's a Deal

We visited the daycare today, and it was, indeed, lovely. Tot loved it - I know it will be a different thing when he is there without me, but I have confidence he will adjust to it. It's a nice place, safe and well-run. All will be well.

I plunked down the down payment, so his spot is all scheduled. He starts January 4th, and will be there Mondays and Tuesdays for the rest of the term.

The only hitch is that they expect me to pay for January's care by the end of December, which is a bit tight, but I think I can juggle it all. The important thing is that everything is going ahead as planned, and the tot will be fine when I am teaching.

So, now to move ahead with preparing my course, since it's really real now.

Daycare!

I found an actual daycare! It was touch and go, and everything seemed full, but this one is just down the street (!!), has its own playground, and has a music teacher. I couldn't get one day a week, like I wanted, as they have a two day minimum, so he'll be there Mondays and Tuesdays. Mondays I teach on campus, so I guess I can make Tuesdays my online course day.

We go tomorrow to see the place and talk to the staff, and fill out the paper work if we like it. I have walked past there many times, and it seems ideal, so I am not too concerned it won't pass the look-see test. I am kind of sad, but am so pleased I managed to find him a good situation so I can do my course.

Now, I am actually thinking of getting a cell phone, if you can believe it!

Potty Progress

YAY! The tot just went potty all by himself for the first time!

I was sitting, working, and I heard this watery sound, and I ran into the bathroom to see what he was up to, only to find proud little man pointing down into his potty to show me what he'd done.

Mommy is very, very happy.

Naked time is definitely the way to potty train.

***

ETA: This pee was swiftly followed up by a Number Two in the potty, again on his own initiative. He then hopped in the tub to wash himself without being told. Man, when this kid finally gets a concept, he runs with it!

Sanctimonious Cow

I just got lectured about how hard it is on children to only be in daycare one day a week by some yuppie daycare cow. Yes, because stowing my child in their baby warehouse five days a week like some business-hour orphan is so much nicer for him, I am sure.

And I suppose the massive cost of Monday-Friday daycare has nothing to do with their concerns over my child's one-day-a-week arrangements. I am sure.

Gah!

argh

Well, spending the day trying to figure out childcare for next term so I can teach (yeah, I know - I'm a little late). It looks like there is nothing available, so I'll likely have to turn to whomever has hung their shingle, which makes me want to vomit with anxiety. The thought of leaving him with some random somebody... Good Lord, this is not what I had in mind when I decided to reproduce.

It's either that or give up the job, and I think if I quit now, just weeks before the already-full course was supposed to start, I can pretty much kiss my teaching career goodbye.

This sucks.

Guilty Conscience

I feel really guilty.

I took Sprout to the park today, and on the way home he pitched this long, drug out temper tantrum - all the way home. He refused to walk or be carried, so I basically had to fling him under my arm and struggle him on home. He is not very light any more, especially when he is flailing and I am sick as a dog.

As he kicked and flailed and struggled, he kept knocking his hat off - this really ugly hat he picked out for himself and adored for some reason. Any way, about the fifth time it flew off, I told him if he did it again, I wouldn't go back for it. I was an inch away from bursting into tears myself with humiliation and frustration, and every minute or so a boot or something would go flying and I couldn't handle trying to keep everything juggled.

Well, he knocked it off once more, so we left it. He cried, but by that point I just wanted to get home. It stayed on the sidewalk.

Now I feel like an enormous heel about it. He doesn't seem to be mourning the loss, but I feel so mean. I admit I am having difficulty coping with his public (and even his private) tantrums, and sometimes I just reach the limits of my sanity. Still, I feel bad about him losing his hat.

I just can't shake the feeling that I am constantly screwing up, and it's wearing on me.

Life isn't great right now.

Doesn't Feel Much Like Hallowe'en Around Here...

Yet!

But today, I must sally forth and find a clown wig, some face paint and some small spooky prezzie for the special little man in my life. We will hang the Hallowe'en pumpkin on the door, and maybe head to the park to carve the real one (leave those seeds for the squirrels, yo!). Maybe we'll see what little treats we can scare up, as well.

Festivities for the next few days will be hot and heavy - grad ceremony tomorrow, trick-o-treating on Sunday, and possibly some Ghostbusters fun somewhere in between.

Happy Hallowe'en, all!

huh

It's 7am, and I am desperately (and quietly) trying to hunt down the fourth set of wheels for the little stroller so we can take the bus today without me having to wrassle a toddler into his set the whole way. (The big stroller is iffy to fit on a bus in morning rush.) I found one of the two lost sets, but the other is still MIA.

The tot is certainly mechanically-minded, which is great... now if he could just put things back together after he dissects them, that would be really great.

sand monster got me

When my system works, I manage to put the tot to bed and then to stay up and write at night. In this way, I am able to put away 1-4,000 words in solitude. The system, when it works, is great.

When it doesn't, I accidentally fall asleep while putting the tot to bed, and wake up feeling discouraged because it is 7am, and I got nothing done.

I think the system needs tweaking.

NaNoWriMo? Anyone?

Folks, I am considering joining up for NaNoWriMo for November 2010, which challenges writers to complete a new 50,000 word novel in one month... Am I insane?

Pros:

• I have finished my paranormal erotic in draft, and now have to do my holiday novella for October, which means my planned full length novel (of 60,000-65,000 words) will be done entirely (aside from the 1,400 prologue I did in August and the outlines) in November and December, anyway, so I can start my winter 2011 full length project on time in January 2011. (I would, of course, not include the already written prologue in the 50,000 words for November, and just start with Chapter One.)
• NaNoWriMo would force me to write the rough draft in November (so I can then edit/re-write in December) in a way that makes the panic somewhat fun.
• Deadlines are good, and since this novel has no publisher yet, it would be useful to have a fire under me. Otherwise, I might falter.
• I can encourage donations to a worthy cause.
• I think I can do it, as it is reasonable to assume I can aim for 1k per day, with at least one or two days a week resulting in 4-5k. (This has been my average so far.) Ergo, 30 days x 1k + (4 days x 5k) = 50k, give or take.
• There's no loss if I don't make it, other than Pride Wounds.

Cons:

• I have a toddler, so any formal obligation is hard to commit to.
• I am anxious about what kind of quality writing NaNoWriMo usually produces.
• I have a toddler.
• I dislike Pride Wounds.
• I have a toddler.
• I would be forced to wait until Nov 1 to get back to the full length if I made this commitment, even if I finished the holiday novella well before that. (Though, this might leave me time to squeeze in another short, or even take a little break to work on non-fiction stuff.)
• I have a toddler.

So... any thoughts?

long weekend

So, what's everybody got planned for the long weekend?

Here, if the humidity is indeed better, I plan on taking care of some long overdue house chores:

• deep clean the kitchen and bathroom
• clear out fridge and freezer
• picking up everywhere and doing the floors
• catching up on back laundry
• getting rid of all that recycling piling up
• boxing up all extra books, etc, to unload them on a book seller
• clearing out the bedroom for a play room
• convert crib to tot bed

That's a lot to do in one weekend, but I can't put it off any longer. I can't just delay it any more because tot will get in the way - I'll just have to work around him.

So, not really exciting plans for the long weekend, really, but I'm enthusiastic about it, at least. :)