What I see right now:

Sprout, wearing a red and green shirt and a pair of blue/black/green stripped leggings, with a green basket on his head, sitting (fully clothed) on his potty, and dancing wildly to banjo music.

"Free spirit" is putting it mildly.

I Feel Like Poop - Mean Poop, at That...

Well, Sprout is at daycare... and I am sitting here alone for the first time in about seven or eight months - the last time I had the apartment to myself was the day before my dissertation defence, I think. Man, it's eerie.

He cried and cried. And I tortured myself by standing outside the door listening to the "mooooooooommmmmyyyy!" for about a minute, before I couldn't take it any more and ran. I do hope he enjoys himself, though he looked so small and confused. :(

I don't like this.

***
ETA: When do you think is too soon to call and check in?

***

ETA2: Sprout made it through his first day in fine shape, and so did I. :)

Sickness; Parenting Woes

Sprout is fairly ill - fever and a bad cough. He's a trooper, but he was really sluggish today. Now I feel my chest starting to ache, as well.

I've also been a little obsessed with coaxing him to talk more, since daycare is making me panicky (places like that love to label kids, and I don't want him stuck with three different forms of therapy this year or something).

Uh oh - I hear a coughing tot. Must go.

Daycare!

I found an actual daycare! It was touch and go, and everything seemed full, but this one is just down the street (!!), has its own playground, and has a music teacher. I couldn't get one day a week, like I wanted, as they have a two day minimum, so he'll be there Mondays and Tuesdays. Mondays I teach on campus, so I guess I can make Tuesdays my online course day.

We go tomorrow to see the place and talk to the staff, and fill out the paper work if we like it. I have walked past there many times, and it seems ideal, so I am not too concerned it won't pass the look-see test. I am kind of sad, but am so pleased I managed to find him a good situation so I can do my course.

Now, I am actually thinking of getting a cell phone, if you can believe it!

Potty Progress

YAY! The tot just went potty all by himself for the first time!

I was sitting, working, and I heard this watery sound, and I ran into the bathroom to see what he was up to, only to find proud little man pointing down into his potty to show me what he'd done.

Mommy is very, very happy.

Naked time is definitely the way to potty train.

***

ETA: This pee was swiftly followed up by a Number Two in the potty, again on his own initiative. He then hopped in the tub to wash himself without being told. Man, when this kid finally gets a concept, he runs with it!

Sanctimonious Cow

I just got lectured about how hard it is on children to only be in daycare one day a week by some yuppie daycare cow. Yes, because stowing my child in their baby warehouse five days a week like some business-hour orphan is so much nicer for him, I am sure.

And I suppose the massive cost of Monday-Friday daycare has nothing to do with their concerns over my child's one-day-a-week arrangements. I am sure.

Gah!

argh

Well, spending the day trying to figure out childcare for next term so I can teach (yeah, I know - I'm a little late). It looks like there is nothing available, so I'll likely have to turn to whomever has hung their shingle, which makes me want to vomit with anxiety. The thought of leaving him with some random somebody... Good Lord, this is not what I had in mind when I decided to reproduce.

It's either that or give up the job, and I think if I quit now, just weeks before the already-full course was supposed to start, I can pretty much kiss my teaching career goodbye.

This sucks.

How To Know Whether Or Not You Are Ready To Have Children:

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55 gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing tacks).

Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake the child.

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls off soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more songs and sing these too until 4:00 a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST FOR SCHOOL ASSIGNMENTS:

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.

Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST:

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies, mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST: (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now, remove the beans and let the bag just hang there.

PHYSICAL TEST: (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the manager's office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild.

Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Guilty Conscience

I feel really guilty.

I took Sprout to the park today, and on the way home he pitched this long, drug out temper tantrum - all the way home. He refused to walk or be carried, so I basically had to fling him under my arm and struggle him on home. He is not very light any more, especially when he is flailing and I am sick as a dog.

As he kicked and flailed and struggled, he kept knocking his hat off - this really ugly hat he picked out for himself and adored for some reason. Any way, about the fifth time it flew off, I told him if he did it again, I wouldn't go back for it. I was an inch away from bursting into tears myself with humiliation and frustration, and every minute or so a boot or something would go flying and I couldn't handle trying to keep everything juggled.

Well, he knocked it off once more, so we left it. He cried, but by that point I just wanted to get home. It stayed on the sidewalk.

Now I feel like an enormous heel about it. He doesn't seem to be mourning the loss, but I feel so mean. I admit I am having difficulty coping with his public (and even his private) tantrums, and sometimes I just reach the limits of my sanity. Still, I feel bad about him losing his hat.

I just can't shake the feeling that I am constantly screwing up, and it's wearing on me.

Life isn't great right now.

bad dream

Last night, I dreamt that I, for some reason, decided to go grocery shopping at an all-night shopping mall a long bus ride away, and took the tot with me, without the sling or the stroller. I just had my little gym bag, so I am not sure what I planned on getting. I seem to recall it was something "fun" - like a desperate attempt to bring some joy into our lives.

Anyway, on the way into the store, Sprout was acting up, so I decided to buy him a muffin at the Tim's, despite the long, long lineup, before I did my shopping. Everyone was super-crabby, and the server was terrible. She kept ignoring people at random and slamming things. An hour past, it seemed, and still no muffin. I tried to make small talk with someone in the lineup, only to get bitched out, so I was pretty downcast by this point. Meanwhile, the tot had sat down at a table with his little dump truck, and was chattering at a bunch of teenagers sitting close by.

I don't know why, but in the dream, I just stood there, and was not really paying attention to what the tot was doing. I just stood, waiting to get that stupid muffin.

Suddenly, I decided to give up and just go home, but when I turned, the tot was gone!

For some reason, I ran into the adjacent laundry mat, and, again - I don't know why, I flung open a washer that had just started to fill with water. There was Sprout, asleep, on a bundle of laundry, with extremely hot water soaking the first couple of inches of clothes under him. Otherwise, he was fine, but I dread to think about what would have happened had I not gotten to him.

My heart pounding, I went back into the Tim's and demanded to know who had done this thing. One of the teens at the table near where Sprout had been sitting just glared at me, coldly. I screamed at him to tell me what he'd done, saying, "Don't you know what would have happened?"

He just casually, coldly shrugged, asking me where the hell I had been.

I stumbled over my explanation that I was trying to get a muffin, and the teens all just laughed. I was coming right back for him, I defended myself. "Shoulda, woulda, coulda," the teen sniped... And I knew he was right, that I had let Sprout down, and failed in my responsibilities. If he had drowned it would have been my fault.

The cold glares of everyone in the place cut me.

And then I woke up - feeling miserable. It took me a long while to reassure myself that it hadn't actually happened. It was just a dream.

But it is a clue that, somewhere, deep down, I am worried I am not living up to my responsibilities. I am turning my back. I am not paying attention. I am not doing what I should. I'm simply not trying hard enough to make sure Sprout is safe and cared for.

I know I would never, ever behave in real life as I did in the dream, and ignore him in a public place where anything like that could happen to him... But, I may be falling asleep at the financial switch, and other responsibilities I need to keep on top of to make sure he's housed and fed, and safe.

I need to do better.

What a terrible dream.

Vitamin Cute

The other day I was feeling glum, and stressed about money, etc., and little Sprout sat down next to me, patted my shoulder and said, "Hi! Howeru?" and then put his head on my shoulder. We sat there like that for a little bit. Then he put his silly Robin Hood hat on my head, laughed like mad, and scampered away.

You really can't beat "medicine" like that, eh?

Encouragement

Retrieving the zen.

About three years ago, I posted a list of ten things I love about myself. It was completely egotistical and self-aggrandizing, but I think sometimes such things are good for the soul - conceit and modesty in moderate measure, right? (Especially during job hunting.)

So, here's ten more things I love about myself, and things I should keep in mind during the soul-sodomizing process of looking for a job:

1. I like the way I look. I'm a little chunky, and I could really stand a new wardrobe and a bit more self-care, but, in general, I am pleasant on the eyes, I think.

2. I put quite a lot of care and thought into motherhood - I have tried to develop a few guiding principles to raising my son, which I think (hope) fosters some continuity within my decisions, rules and behaviours. I try to be a rational parent, even when he is driving me completely nuts.

3. I did my PhD in just over four years, with a child and fairly small funding. Believe me, this is kind of a heroic feat - most PhD students in Canada take between four and ten years - most fall around seven years. And that's without children, for many of them. I know speed is not the point, as it is not a race, but it does indicate something about my drive, abilities and determination, I think. Many people had me pegged as a drop-out, I think, when I had a baby. But I showed them all. I really need to take more joy in this accomplishment.

4. My dissertation is innovative, well-written and interesting, I think. I put a lot of effort into it, and I do think (though I am sick of it) it was a fine accomplishment for a young scholar. I also have managed to nail down a fairly good CV in my relatively short degree, with a handful of promising publications. I know some students, of whom I have been quite jealous and/or intimidated, who do not have such a CV. I think it is time for me to lay to rest that feeling that I don't measure up. I actually have a pretty good record. It's time for me to believe that, I think.

5. My brain is lively and interdisciplinary - I am not attached to any particular theory or school of thought, and I can apply sociological principles as easy as I can cultural studies, etc. Of course, I am often behind the game in discerning which is which, but I chose to chalk that up to a fine, lateral mind.

6. I am quick-witted and can talk very well. In an interview or Q&A, I appear authoritative and knowledgeable, so this will serve me well in the job hunt. This is an asset. And, you know what? I am beginning to think I may not just be appearing authoritative and knowledgeable... I may actually BE authoritative and knowledgeable. huh.

7. I am a good household manager - I can make due on very little grocery money, and the meals can still be tasty and nutritious. This is a major skill to have in uncertain times, I think.

8. I am able to take pleasure in very minor, practical enjoyments - movies I have watched a million times, staying in with a book, taking a long walk. I have a very simple life, and I am ok with that most of the time. I get restless like most people at times, but I am not the sort to feel hard-pressed if I can't go to bars or take a yearly vacation to some place new. I like where I am. I think that shows an inner satisfaction that I often miss about myself.

9. I have good taste in music, movies and such. I have a wide interest, and I try to learn about the things I enjoy. I also try to keep movies and things in mind so I can mention them to people who might like them, and I am often correct in my recommendations. Yet, I don't get annoyed when I am wrong. I just like to share. I am particularly keen on sharing my musical tastes with my son, who is turning out to have pretty awesome, eclectic tastes, as well.

10. I love my son, and he loves me.

That was a useful exercise. I feel better. Refreshed for the job hunt ahead.

Now... lunch!

OK - I Admit It

Sigh. My mum did get to me. She's not really the naggy sort, as such, but when she decides to make me feel like crap, she sure can. I will admit I am aggravated, and much of my morning zen is gone. I will try to regain it, if I can. sigh. Family.

Note to self: When you become a mom to an adult child, just keep your trap shut.

I will really try to remember that.

Cute but Chilling

Tot had a blast running around in my slippers this evening, and now I can't find them. I have to admit, he was pretty frigging adorable... too bad my toes are frozen half off as a result.

Also, the sticky little handprint in the middle of my monitor is a nice touch.

Ah... Sometimes, you just gotta love mommihood.