Taking a noodle break and cruising the net before getting back to work, I hit upon some random "healthy marriage" self-help spots. Now, most of the stuff I found was pretty self-explanatory, such as "Don't show contempt for you mate." (I could add to that, "Don't
FEEL contempt for your mate, since you married the guy," but I'm just going to hope they meant that folded in with the performance aspects.) But I figured it wouldn't hurt to get a bit of "expert" advice, or at least to see somethings we all know set down in writing, as reminders.
There was a lot of advice for those of us in "The First Year," (
example) which, according to the experts, is supposed to be the most hellish, as it is a period of adjustment. Personally, I wonder if that first year of retirement might not be worse, since it will involve looking at your changed partner in a brand new way, all day, while dealing with your own changing self-image. But that we shall see.
I don't talk a lot about my marriage on this blog in any direct or theoretical way. I suppose this is partly because
Murph and I express our marriage's state of the union to each other enough that I don't really feel the need to talk about it here, which I think is a good thing. However, sometimes it is wise to contemplate the theory of marriage. (And I really hope he doesn't mind me talking about it here...)
Murph and I have, I believe, the makings of a truly classic marriage. If I didn't believe this, I likely would not have married him. There are many elements to our union that really strike me as "signs," though I hesitate to use that language. We were attracted to each right from the first, and knew we were ear-marked for each other really early on in our friendship. I feel positive and optimistic about our life together.
That having been said, however, we do have some pretty
titanic fights. Well, not fights so much as dramatic disagreements. We always seem to end up pushing the same buttons on each other in the same way. I suppose we will continue doing that until either the buttons get desensitized or we actually learn to avoid them. This makes sense to me, though, because, even though we are as joined at the hip as we are at the heart, we are also very unique individuals with our own very distinct minds on things. We are also both fiercely stubborn people, with our own intellects and modes of expression. However, sometimes I think our main problems come as much from being too alike in essentials as they do from being too different in content, if that makes sense.
In any case, these self-help things are rather off for us, as our first year is a pretty abnormal one, since we don't have the chance to live in the same place. Of course people get into fights over chat and phone! It is easy to fight when you can't see the other person's eyes or body posture, just as it is hard to end a fight without just being able to offer a hug. When Murph and I are together, fights are easy to deal with - touching goes a long way to foster forgiveness.
As it is, though, in this time of distance, I have one major technique for dealing with my marriage woes. When we are fighting, I remove my wedding ring. Now, this might sound pretty horrendous, but hear me out.
Some say that the primary affirmation for Muslims, the
Shahadah ("There is no G-d but Allah, and Mohammad is His Prophet") has a higher purpose than just saying the words. What it does is, before you embrace Allah, you have to first contemplate, even for a second, "There is no G-d." This is supposed to foster a sense of relief and joy when you get to follow through with "... but Allah." I get this, though clearly I don't get the same sense from that line as do Muslims. But the practice makes sense to me. This is the principle I work by.
So, when things are rough between Murph and I, I remove my wedding ring and look at my hand without it. It always looks so sad and forlorn, that I have to put it back on. This always brings a feeling of relief and joy. It is a reminder: No matter how uncomfortable, annoying or crummy this fight may be, think of life without this marriage... without even these fights. That usually gives me all the strength I need to carry on.
These self-help sites... I guess they are ok, especially if one just uses them for casual browsing and reminders, and doesn't take them too seriously. Often, they are better as "What we are doing right" pats on the back then for "How to fix what is wrong" prescriptions.
I guess the main thing I need to remember and concentrate on is, "Murph is my husband; I am his wife. I love him, and I am grateful for our marriage. No matter what the circumstances of the day are, I am lucky to have what I have, because I could be without him entirely."
That can be
my daily affirmation.
Oh, and how can someone this cute be so worried all the time?
World Book Day is here, again (celebrated in March in Ireland and the UK).
Today, Friday the 13th, bright and EARLY, the students of the class I TA for write their final exam, and I, as the assistant, get to step in and invigilate.
My face is permanently plastered on my desk surface. If you need me, I will be just lying here moaning until I fall asleep or my throat quits, one or the other.
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