"Be More Optimistic."

A Transitory Mood:

"Can I force myself to see positive things when everything seems so bleak? Can I just channel Julie Andrews and pretend to be happy? I hate it when people try to dictate to me "cheer up," or "don't be so gloomy." I think I shall be gloomy if I want to be. If I need to be. If anyone in their right mind would also be gloomy.

"Why be happy when there's not all that much reason to be?"

Thankfully, that passed.

Stress!

Man. Turn one way, crash. Turn the other way, get screwed. Stand still, get eaten by a lion. Wtf?

I can't wait until summer is over.

Payroll Migraines

Due to secretary error (one of them thought too much), I will not be getting my pay in time for rent due. It will be coming next Thursday, so it is a matter of writing an ass-kiss letter to my landlord, apologizing profusely, and promising the late fee. But it is the principle of the thing - desk people can poop all over our lives with impunity. I hate being at their mercy.

Severe Weather and Mood Warnings

Here in K-W, we are hunkering our way through a severe weather watch: lightening, downpours, hail, damaging winds, and possibly a tornado. Am glad for it, in a way - the humidity was getting criminal, and the dryness was becoming critical - but I do hope everyone is safe out there.

In personal news, I have had an day filled with absolute panic, dread, fear and general sadness. Worry over money, time, school, etc, etc, etc. I don't mind the baby forcing me to eat constantly and pee like a broken faucet, but if he or she could keep the mood swings to a minimum, that would be super.

So, I guess storm fronts on all sides today. Great.

I Was Never One for Convention, Anyhow

What will these two faces, combined, look like?

Back home, they have this tradition in which one waits at least three months before going public with a pregnancy. This waiting period is to make sure the pregnancy is viable, and to ensure privacy for the family in case of tragedy, as well as to allow them time to adjust amongst themselves. However, my life has been spilled out all over this blog, and, frankly, if I (G-d forbid) miscarry I would rather be able to blog it out rather than hide it...

So, without further ado, I am pleased to announce Murph and I are about 5 weeks pregnant, and should expect a little bundle of eating, screaming, and pooping joy around about next February.

Now, let's just hope Canada Immigrations delivers a little package of hubby joy on my doorstop well before then (we are hoping by Christmas).

I am feeling well and chipper, have given up smoking (which I did a month ago due to financial needs) and caffeine, and am eating a well-balanced vegetarian fetus-building diet. I am slightly seasick every once in a while, but nothing serious, and I am really quite pleased (though a bit scared around the edges).

Murph and I are seriously shopping for female baby names (the boy option is covered), so feel free to suggest. The leading contenders are Zophia and Abigail, I believe.

There. Let the comments congrats start pouring in.

Summer Line Up

Ok, let's pretend I have money and could actually afford to go to a movie. What of this summer's crop would appeal to me and which ones leave me cold?

Looking Forward To (with only mild reservations):

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
- I know the last one was a lot less than great, but I still hold out hope. Opens 11 July 2007.

The Simpsons Movie
- Yes, as likely to be as good as the classic episodes as Homer is of winning a Nobel, but it might prove to be amusing. Opens 27 July 2007.

Talk to Me
- There seems like a lot less public anticipation for this one than the others I have mentioned here, but it seems more worth it in the end. Opens 3 August 2007.


WAS Looking Forward To (Before I was Warned Off):

Knocked Up
- I was pretty psyched for this one; the same team that made 40 Year Old Virgin, which was one of the coolest gut-busters in years, and staring Seth Rogan, who seems to be quite a well of potential. Nevertheless, I have it from good sources that it is, nonetheless, wretched. However, a lot of critics gave it good reviews, and the theater might be air conditioned, so perhaps it might still be worth a view at some point. My ardour is just a bit dampened now. Opened 1 June 2007.


Who On Earth Would Pay for This????:

Evan Almighty
- "Good Lord" is all I can say about this. What was an ok premise on the first go around has now come around for a steaming pile of bloated seconds. Yum. (Though, really, with a budget of $135 mil, I bet the producers are hoping someone will pay to see it... and bring a million friends.) Opened 22 June 2007.


Enjoyed:

Waitress
- While technically not really a "summer movie" (it was released in May), this is still a sure bet if it is still playing around your town. Bright, modern, and witty, this is a great film - sure to be one of the year's best, and I would not be surprized to see Oscar kudos (particularly in light of the young, female director's untimely demise last fall). Catch it while you can - you won't be disappointed. Opened 25 May 2007.

Underground Dwelling - That's the Life for Me

Well, I figured the livable weather couldn't hold out forever, so I left my shady and cool basement apartment for the cheap home supply shopping district to nab myself a bargain electric fan for under $20. Imagine my surprize -- when I left my apartment, I thought it was a fairly cool day, only to find it is actually 30 degrees with the humidex out there. Wow. I was actually in track pants and a cardigan in my living room!

Now, I may complain about the bugs that spring brings to underground living spaces, but I must admit the fact that I could happily go to late June without any form of cooling device (with the exception of a few freezies) and be unaware of how hot it in the outside world makes this place well worth it. There is absolutely no thought of A/C at all, for I have no need. I will likely not even use my fan very often, except when I come in all over-heated from outside. All it takes is a few open windows and some drawn shades, and the place stays a very comfy low temperature.

You know, those hobbits may have something.

Film Studies Isn't All Fun and Games

My dissertation research is on the construction of Jewish ethnic identity in and through Jewish-Gentile intermarriage (cross-ethnic romance) stories in North American film. I am making a close survey of about fifty films, and focusing tightly on about ten of the most important ones. To add comparative flavour, I am reviewing a dozen or so non-Jewish intermarriage films, such as My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? (1967).

To some, this activity might seem more like recreation than research, and I admit it is awfully amusing, and I feel lucky to have the gig. However, today I was reminded that it really isn't always a gas.

Today, I caught the 2004 film Bride and Prejudice, which is roughly a Bollywood take on the Jane Austen classic Pride and Prejudice. While colourful, potentially fun, and a good piece for my comparative flavour aspect, this film was absolutely painful to watch, and reminds me that this research takes a strong stomach, eyes that can roll for two hours without falling out, and a strong will not to just turn something off and find a good episode of Northern Exposure to "survey" instead.

Focusing on the unexpected and conflicted romance between a beautiful and feisty Indian girl and a cold-blooded American business man (William Darcy, of course), this film modernizes the original story by making it trans-global and high-tech, and adds the gimmick of the Bollywood musical genre. While I am not anti-Bollywood (in fact, some authentic Bollywood can be quite fun), this film is tiresome, poorly acted and down right annoying. Neither real Bollywood, nor a piece of Western realism, this film cannot resort to any true genre form to make one tolerate its corniness. It is somewhere halfway between - perhaps a deeper metaphor for the confusion sometimes caused by intermarriage than the filmmakers intended.

So, yes - the next time someone makes a jab at me for having it cushy, I can fall back on this film as exactly the ways in which I, too, must pay my dues. I had to watch this thing - it may not be equal to plowing through mountains of German political philosophy, but it is a giant sugar-induced cavity in my brain, and two hours of my life I will never, ever get back.

Avoid it at all costs. You can get the same spirit of fun, only better, from Moulin Rouge (2001), and with that one you may not want to hang yourself at the 45 minute mark.

Wha?

How can it be Friday again already?

Feet do your duty, and ass don't you drag, `cause, man, there is work to be done...

Kwe

Today is National Aboriginal Day. Find out what's going on in your neck of the woods - if the weather is fine, it promises to be a good time.

Wow

That's all I can say. Today is kind of drizzly out, and I actually had to use an extra blanket last night. The weather has been perfect these past few days. I pray it will last, but it won't. Best enjoy it while I can before I am trapped inside again by that hideous ball of death-rays that we lovingly call the sun.

I am feeling good, for many reasons. Maybe even good enough to hit this work I have to do like a ton of go-getting bricks. I have RA work, plus I have to stew up a well-defined hypothesis and theory for my dissertation.

As an aside rant, don't you just love the ways people in the social sciences and humanities now use the scientific model? What's next? Shall I have to list test tubes and 2mg of cobalt on my dissertation proposal - I am going to dip Jews into different chemicals to see if a colour change occurs if they are intermarried? I can only shake my head at the hegemony of science over knowledge. When will people learn that that model might be well-suited to the behaviour of particulate matter, but is not the be-all-and-end-all of studying human behaviour?

Oh well, it is still a nice day, I am still moving forward, and I really do have that joy, joy, joy down in my heart today.


***

Oh, and I wish my brand new in-laws a happy anniversary -- 30 years, I believe, round about. Wow - now there's a goal.

On the Fly

Quick update in case I miss the rest of the day.

Been spending time with friends more this week and last, so I am feeling a bit more human. Today, I meet up with Jenn for a girly lunch; yesterday, I met up with John for a not-so-girly one. In between, I work and chat and hold on to my brain cells.

There may be major news on the horizon, so I will keep you posted.

Both Sides Now

Then:



Now:

Method to My Madness?

It's funny, at the same time I feel my control on my dissertation slipping away - not enough theory grasp, and no clear way to describe my methods - the last bits of control over my life have started to fade, as well.

Do I know which way any shit is sliding any more? Not bloody likely.

Watch Your Words

I wonder if any of us is fully aware of how harmful careless criticism can be.

I have been low and physically not very well this past week, so yesterday I took some time to play around the internet, as a way to relax and a way to keep from breaking down and buying myself a pack of smokes. So I got into playing with the new Facebook applications - little movie reviews and other fun toys and gadgets.

Unfortunately, one's activity on Facebook shows up on this thing that is called a News Feed that others can see. So I got a message last night from a classmate - an over-achieving, hard-working and well-funded classmate - that said "How much time do you waste on this site? Too much." Suddenly, I go from a happy and reasonably entertained person to one filled with shame and panic.

Was she right? Was I blowing my life by frittering away those hours? Am I loser?

That message basically ruined my day. It plummeted me into a spiral of self-loathing and anxiety. It also made me want to go buy a pack of smokes and suck them all back within 15 minutes, even if I had to smoke five at once.

The reality of the whole thing is, she doesn't pay my wage, nor does she have any control over what I do. But she wounded me.

It also left me wondering why people have to watch each other. Why do we have this need to peer over the neighbour's fence and add our ten cent's worth where it is neither needed, nor welcomed? Why can't we ever understand that, except in rare and useful circumstances (i.e. a close friend abusing themselves in a really urgent way), when we feel like giving unsolicited criticism and advice, we'd be much better just to keep it to ourselves?

I am reminded of that oft-shouted and cliche line from The Jerry Springer Show: "You don't know me!" It's a funny and sad line of impotent defensiveness, but I have to say I understand where it comes from.

Sometimes, a person just wants to be left alone and not be judged.

Time for a Come-Back

For my blog, I mean. Sadly, there is no word of a DOA come-back in the works. Some things just belong to the ages, I guess.

More later.

Shall I Take a Poll...?

Sorry, folks, but the blogging muse has still not returned to me. Perhaps I am out of practice, or have just lost interest. I don't know. In any case, I am still not sure what to do with this thing. Movie reviews, I guess, but sometimes I don't have much urge to produce such things, which do take a lot of effort, depending on the film.

Well, what do YOU want to see here? Any suggestions?

The personal does encroach on the practical at times, and some unfortunate personal stuff has seemingly soured the blogging bushel for me, for the moment. But shall I give up on the blog because of an unfortunate incident? That doesn't seem like me at all. So, I am still holding out hope. Bear with me a little longer.

Starting Over

I think this blog needs a new direction. One less focused on me and my problems. I actually considered dumping the thing, but, realistically, I like it and I think this urge will pass. But I do need to re-think it. Often neglected, mostly filled with rubbish, this blog needs a new lease on life. I will let you know when I decide what to do with it.

I Need a Railway Track

Part of the crapulence of living in an urban setting is that there is no place to scream when you need to - no way to just vent. Not that I worry that anyone would attempt to rescue me, just that they would get annoyed at me for screaming.

I will likely be scarce the next few days as I wrangle my dissertation proposal into submission and try to sort out my life. And possible try to find a railway bridge to scream off of.

Sometimes it is Impossible to be Happy

I was in an ok mood - not particularly over-joyed, but holding on to things. Keeping a firm upper lip, I mean. But one doesn't control the weather, I guess.

And goodbye to The Candy Store. It will be missed.

Today

Today I am going to get something done, and force my mind into a more positive frame. The weather has improved - it no longer makes me sweat to just lie down, so I have to make the most of that, right? Today, I will hammer out the rest of my proposal rough draft, and I will see that that isn't a lost cause. I will focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. This is my mission today.

blargh

Suddenly so depressed, I feel like someone sucked my soul out through my nose... it's going to be a long summer.

The Fromage of Love

I just had the phone in my hand - I was going to leave a voice mail on Murph's cell, something to the effect of "I just called to say I love you."

GACK! I am glad I realized how that sounded before I finished dialing... The sentiment was there, but somehow not even *I* am lame enough to quote Stevie Wonder today.

What's next, "a house is not a home without you"? "I never had a dream come true before you"? "Your love's potion gives me the notion to shout out loud ooh baby, baby, baby, babe"? (Ok, in my own defense, I don't ever feel compelled to say that last one.)

Sometimes, love isn't pretty. Sometimes, it's down right nauseating.

Ups and Downs

Had a significant bout of the mean reds yesterday, but it all ended up ok in the end. An unexpected date night with Murph chased it away - especially since he now has a webcam, and I can actually SEE him again, even if it is on a screen. By the time I fell asleep, I was actually happy, if you can believe it.

Now let's see if any good feelings can survive getting down to serious work on this dissertation proposal.

Quite Lovely

Ingrate

Why is it that after a victory, depression sets in? I was pretty pleased with having passed that exam, except for the nagging feeling that I should have done better than A-. But then the good kind of just bled away, leaving this bleak feeling. Perhaps it is the fact that I am alone and can afford no better celebration than a home-made coffee and an extra-long shower?

I should be pleased; I am now down to my dissertation. But the joy is fleeting, I guess.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I PASSED MY COMP EXAM!

DONE DONE DONE!!

Didn't do quite as well as I would have liked, but you can't argue with any mark with an A in it, can you?

By the Power of Grey Skull...

I have ONE WEEK to re-write my 10 page dissertation proposal. Think I can do it?

:(