PickNicky Fun

Had my defence celebration picnic today. Food was good, and a nice variety, and the chit-chat/company was great. Tot was a bit too over-tired to eat, and had some pretty high-running emotions, but he was pretty good, despite this.

Thanks, folks!

Guilt

I just saw the tot off on the bus with K., who is graciously taking him off my hands for a bit so I can work without interruptions (thank you!).

He cried and held out his arms as they were walking away. I felt guilty - deeply.

Now, logically, I know a couple things: (1) He was likely absolutely fine by the time the bus hit the corner. (2) He was likely only crying while I was in earshot to try to get me to change my mind. (3) He is absolutely safe/fine with K. (4) He will have a much better time at the park with her than sitting around here getting barked at because I am trying to work. (5) I will work a lot better without being distracted. (6) I never leave him for my own amusement, but only ever for work, etc., and finishing this degree well is for the good of us all.

So, yes, logically, I know these things. And that it is only a short little while, so I shouldn't feel guilty for the once-in-a-blue-moon that I do it, and that it is good for him to get some time away from me, etc, etc... But, I have to admit, I totally fell for it, and I feel like such a mean mommy right now.

We had such a lovely morning together that I miss him already. His little crying face does not improve that feeling.

Ugh. There is no guilt like mommy guilt. :(

***

Sigh - Well, I better make the most of my time, so I can at least feel that it was worth it for me, and him, and K., who I am sure has stuff she could have been doing today instead of helping us out. Today: Practice lecture; Finish up some Q&A stuff. GO GO GO!

3 Days til D-Day

OK, so now I'm scared. I can't tell where to go from here - more Q&A work, which would be useful, or more work on the lecture, which is essential. I'm nervous.

I ended up having a nice birthday - pizza in the park! Thanks to K. for coming over. It was so nice to have a spot of fun after the day I was having.

Editor got back to me - she really likes what I did to the piece, but wants me to integrate the references into the text and ixnay the footnotes. Um... not today, I think.

I'm really very nerved up.

4 Days til D-Day

Happy birthday to me.

I admit, it will be very hard not to work today - the days are getting shorter and shorter. I might sneak some work in later, if I can. For now, I'm waiting for UPS man today and trying to get some cleaning done. FUN!

Why, oh why, Couldn't my defence and submission be before my birthday? You know, so I could actually enjoy today.

But, I am waiting for a present I have really, really wanted to arrive, and a friend sent me a comic strip she had made out of one of our funniest AIM convos - which is one of the best birthday present I have ever received. I'm so proud of my talented friends! And another friend might be coming over for a movie this evening.

So, there is cause to cheer, even if my knees are knocking.

Hope all is well with all of you.

Focus

Childless today - the tot is happily off to the park, etc, with a friend. It seems another friend is going to the park with them - a lady who Sprout flirts with outrageously. He will be a happy boy. :)

Also, the Ohio app is safely off on its way. YAY! I look forward to reading their rejection letter with interest and enthusiasm.

OK... Use time productively. Today's objective: Complete lecture draft. Then, if I have time, it's time to hit my "Q&A" crib notes book, and look through the drafts for committee question topics.

***

PS. I also should get around to the Pittsburgh application, as I told my references I would have my materials for them to view as soon as I could. That is a priority this weekend... Hm. Seems like I should soon make a new priority list. But not now - I know the demons of "To Do List" procrastination all too well. It is second only to the "Well, I'll Check that Forum Just Once More" procrastination technique. Today, I will resist both.

Today is for focusing and finishing a major task.

GO GO GO.

(And, thanks, K., for the time to myself.)

16 Days til D-Day

Today, I am taking most of the day off to see a movie and have a little time out. Not that I deserve "time off," really, as I haven't been working very hard. Oh well - after today, right? Right!

(Seriously, I am super behind, and fell asleep last night accidentally, which really did not help my schedule whatsoever.)

I mentioned a "mock defence" to my advisor, who immediately acclaimed it a great idea. So now I guess I am obligated to do it.

Also, I got a rejection email for that course I was so excited about on Monday. That application took me days to make. It took them much less time to reject me. That stings a bit, but nothing to do about it but move on.

So... Onward.

May 13th?

I'm considering trying to make a mock defence for Thursday, May 13th - with emphasis on the mock, as I hope we can include a little wine and coffee with that. It will likely be at my house, and will be pretty darn casual - mostly, I will practice my 20 minute talk, and then we can bandy about questions for a while.

On May 14th, K. might be taking the tot off my hands for a bit, so it seems fruitful to have it the day before so I can make optimal use of the feedback I get from it.

I will be looking for any willing bodies who might possibly turn up for such a thing.

Any takers?

Party Plans

I have decided that I will host a get together to celebrate my defence, if all goes smoothly. I won't announce the party until after I find out if I passed, but I've decided to make it potluck, so pretty much anyone can come. I found a nice gazebo I can rent at a reasonable rate for an afternoon by a lake in a sizable park near campus, with playground equipment, washrooms and a concession stand nearby. Decorations will be simple and sparse, and I've planned out some basic foods and such.

I had been reluctant to do this, mainly because I am broke. However, the three successful candidates who have come before me each had something (one BBQ and two banquety-type things), and I figure I should think twice before being the tightwad who bucks the tradition. I will be only the fourth PhD minted from this program, so that would make me the odd one out if I skin-flinted out on this one.

My one concession to my poverty is to make it potluck; I am hoping people will be charitable enough to see this for what it is - someone who cannot afford to feed a troupe of people (especially people who make vastly more money than she does), but a person who does want to share some society with them at an important time in her life.

The park gazebo, of course, is essential due to the fact I live in an apartment that can barely accommodate four guests at a time.

Despite my initial reluctance, though, I find myself excited by the prospect of celebrating. I am starting to believe this is actually going to happen... and I am shocked, leery, but also really... what's the word? Happy? Proud? All of the above?

It seems like I might actually finish this damn degree after all.

And that is cause to celebrate, in my opinion.

Frog + Sparkles = GOOD TIMES

Congrats, Katie!

Bugger Question

Heard from a former colleague, who got this question at her defence:

"What is this dissertation against?--that is, what theories or research in its fields was I trying to correct or speak out against."

Umm...

Actually, not sure how to answer this.

But I hope I will be able to by May 21.

22 Days til D-Day

Our pal Katie does her thang today, and we are very excited for her and proud of her.

But it got me thinking - her defence is in the afternoon. As much as the thought of defending at 8am made me want to vomit, 9am is a good time, I think. For me, it is much better to get it over with in the morning. I have no idea what I would do with myself all morning, waiting for the trial. I'd likely pee myself to death and be completely burned out by noon.

So, no complaints here - this way, I'll have no time between wake up and starting to get obsessive. I might be a bit frazzled, but at least I won't pop a new ulser before I even start. As to during, however, I cannot promise anything.

I can't wait to hear Katie's good news in just a few hours! GOOD LUCK!

Now for Someone Else's Defence...

GOOD LUCK, KATIE!

Big Guns

Just discovered that the head of my department is also affiliated with the cultural studies department. I have asked her to look over my course design and give me any pointers/advice she might have, and she said she'd be happy to. If her reaction is positive, I might ask her for a reference, so *fingers crossed*.

(I also sent an email off to someone I know who successfully defended her dissertation here last year, to ask if she has any advice/memories/info she'd like to share. I'm not sure what that does, as the audience/topic/dissertation/etc. will all be different, but the advisor told me to, so who am I to argue? It can't hurt, at least.)

Reaching out to my peeps, that's me.

second thoughts

I was planning on going to the departmental party this afternoon, but am having serious second thoughts.

On the one hand, it would be good to do some networking and self-promotion, and let people know I am still around and nearly finished, etc. This will be the last function, I think, before I am done (I hope). Any one of these people might be a factor in me getting work some day, so I should make an effort to play nice and get a happy face next to my name in their heads.

But, there's a large problem on the other hand. I would be bringing the tot along. After a stressful week, for both of us, I am not sure it is fair to us to go through more stress. Also, given the general attitudes towards moms, and the perception that some of us can't handle our private lives and work, at the same time, going could actually be quite counter-productive. The party is being held at the president's guest house, which I am sure has lots of breakable things. Also, the chances of him tantruming are fairly significant - he is two, afterall. So, I would feel terribly under inspection at all times, especially when dealing with said inevitable tantrum. No matter how calmly I dealt with that tantrum, people who do not have kids (or who have kids but dump them on their partners) would see me as a bad mother. I might actually be cementing in their minds this image of me as a mess of a person.

Perhaps it is best just to let the notices of my defence speak for me, and not put myself out there in person.

Besides, I think we both deserve a break - go do the marketing, and get some cleaning/dishes/laundry done, and rest up for next week. Do things where people weren't scoring my performance for future job consideration.

I don't know which way to go on this.

Happy Birthday, Katie!

And Away We Go

First day of teaching today, and the first time leaving Declan with Katie for so long while I was in class. All went well, thankfully - I seem to have the happiest, most easy going baby ever. How'd that happen?

So, on with another term - and on with the mountain of work I have to do in less than a month - eep!

Calm Satisfaction

Katie took Dec to the park for a few hours so I could clean, so my living space is half-way decent, and then he and I had a good play time, I had a good chat with a friend on the phone, and spent some good long-distance time with Murph. It doesn't make everything in life all better, I guess, but I'm pleased, anyway.

shut in

I've got so much to do, I feel overwhelmed, and I have the urge to hide in my apartment, even though I know that won't help. The main issue is campus. I just can't face it. I've got to go pick up library materials for my TA prof, and get a form signed by the admin to prove I am in school (for student loans), but campus just makes me feel like being sick. I just want my cocoon.

Chances are, yesterday was too much activity for me, and I miss Katie - going to campus and back without seeing a single soul with whom to share a cup of coffee just seems depressing.

However, I did get my exact list of articles assigned for my work on Dr B's encyclopedia [Reform Judaism, Conservative Judaism, Orthodox Judaism (800-900 words each) and Open Source Judaism (400) and Jewish Emigration to North America (800) and Judaism and Modernity (1200 words)], so I might hide and do that, and make my best run at campus on Monday - but I will HAVE to do my campus chores then, as it is pushing it for that loan stuff and they will only hold some of my books until then.

So, today: At least three articles done for that encyclopedia; fax the loan form that I fill out; fax Katie's form for her; pick up a $4 veggie rice from the Chinese place to make myself feel better. How's that for a Friday of wallowing?

What? Again?

AGAIN I am shocked by the 15th of a month - why does the first two weeks always pass me in a blur??? Gah! I am so behind!

***
Also, no Zoey, sadly. Katie found more convenient lodging for the feline. Oh well. I kind of have my hands full, anyway, I guess. But I was looking forward to doing something nice for Katie in return for her free babysitting.

Had a nice night with friends, though. Wine and Battlestar Galactica. What's better than that?