Resolutions, 2011 Edition

2010 has been quite a year. I had my first professional fiction published, got my first academic job and my first real interview (coming up in January!), finished and received my PhD... All that has been wonderful. I have also spent the entire year living hand to mouth without a job, scraping and dodging, and trying to come up with every month's rent like a crisis. I guess you could say 2010 has been the best of times and the worst of times. I'm kind of glad it's over, but I have done a lot and made a lot of progress, so I am happy it went the way it did. It could have been more comfortable, but we survived.

So, now, in the last week of 2010 - some goals for the upcoming year.

1. To continue writing and improving at my writing, since i does make me happy, but to make it a smaller part of my waking hours.

2. To increase my academic publishing and conference record for the CV.

3. To continue to strive for a permanent teaching job, or, failing that, to secure term-by-term contracts all year so I don't have to deal with unemployment in 2011. Or, failing even that, to save as much as I can during the good times so the lean times won't be so stressful.

4. To do really, really well at my teaching - I need good evaluations for the job hunt, and I want to make myself proud of me.

5. To generally live a better life. Be healthier, keep a better home, stay on top of things and be less stressed. To enjoy my time with the tot more, and be a happier person. To have a better life, in all the big and small ways I can do that.

Happy 2011!

Well, I'm Gradded.

Thanks to everyone who helped me make it this far, and especially those who helped me make it to the actual ceremony. It was a special day... even if they did dress me like this!

Thanks!

Doesn't Feel Much Like Hallowe'en Around Here...

Yet!

But today, I must sally forth and find a clown wig, some face paint and some small spooky prezzie for the special little man in my life. We will hang the Hallowe'en pumpkin on the door, and maybe head to the park to carve the real one (leave those seeds for the squirrels, yo!). Maybe we'll see what little treats we can scare up, as well.

Festivities for the next few days will be hot and heavy - grad ceremony tomorrow, trick-o-treating on Sunday, and possibly some Ghostbusters fun somewhere in between.

Happy Hallowe'en, all!

Graduation

I just got some official emails regarding convocation, so all systems look a-go. I have plans in place to cover the rent, etc, for November 1st, and it looks like I might actually get to go (if everything goes well).

So, 10am, Oct 29.

I'm kind of excited, actually.

october's safe... now for november

Well, paid the last of the bills for October, so now I will have a couple of weeks without harassing calls, etc. This is my favourite part of the month. The calm before the storm starts up again, as it were... Now, I have to start worrying about making the last week of Oct/first week of Nov gauntlet run, but it's at least not to a stressful point, yet.

Also still keeping in mind that $115 I need to attend graduation, if I can... Not a huge concern compared to the others, but still important to me.

Work, however, is getting rather fever pitch. By October 15th, I am hoping to have the Xmas novella and an Xmas short ready for submission, a chapter for the dissertation ready to send to a fellow editing a volume, and my bookstore order in for the class next term. I also have the Chaplin article to edit this week, some job apps, and some editing work coming up, as well as two lectures to give later in the month. That's a lot of words to produce in just a few short weeks. Let's hope the squid doesn't run out of ink any time soon.

All that and the fun of regularly scheduled human survival maintenance! YAY!

So, nothing to do but to do it, I guess.

Aaaaaaannnnnddd... GO!

well, that's it, then.

I just checked my online records with the university. It now says "graduate."

I'm officially done - just gotta wait for the piece of paper to arrive.

Now, they call me Dr Tibbs.

Another Month Conquered

After a marathon day of errands, rent is paid, and so are my school fees, so I am pleased to say my degree will be officially wrapped up in October. I am still not sure I'll be able to go, as that will depend on scraping up $115 for the grad gown fees, but I will at least get the degree itself.

And now we have tapioca to celebrate! :D

Update: Still Alive

I am hanging in there. Trying to get my work done, and feel ok.

Spent a good portion last night helping my advisor complete the application package for the award I will not be there in person at grad to receive, even if I win it by some miracle. (sigh.) Today, I worked towards banking some posts for the author blog, to free up my week a bit for "real writing." I've also got a butt load of academic stuff to do this week - a lecture or two to write/prepare, a chapter of the diss to modify for publication, a couple job postings to address.

So, yep - that's about it. Nothing fancy, but I'm hanging in there.

poop, again

So now, after finagling to figure out a way to pay the university the back money I owe them for fees and such, in order to be able to graduate in October, it now turns out that I need to pay an additional $115 for gown rental (NOT a deposit, which is another $100 - it is non-refundable), which means I will not be attending convocation.

However, I think I have the fees under control, so I will be receiving my piece of paper... In a tube, through the mail, like every other degree since high school.

Oh well. Purple never was my best colour, anyway.

perspective

You know what's crazy? I never did give myself a pat on the back for finishing my PhD. I spent no time celebrating that or savouring it. I went on to job hunting and the teaching portfolio. And then I got a course. And I didn't pause to enjoy that, either. I then moved on to getting my novel published. But then you know what happened? It got accepted, and I didn't really feel good about that, either! Now I am on to getting some short pieces published and my full length written, etc.

It's crazy, when you think about it. I never appreciate my laurels. I only see "what next?" I'm like a shark who'll die if she stops.

You know how some people look in the mirror and see themselves as fat, no matter how skinny they are? I am like that, but with brains or accomplishments, or personal triumphs, etc. I am just never satisfied, no matter what I do. I never have been.

Anyway, this song helps me pause and put all this in perspective. It reminds me that I really need to take a moment and enjoy my grad this time, since I have never bothered going to any of my previous university graduations. I always just got them to mail me the degree, because I was already off to new goals.

That's a problem. I need to do something about that.

money

So, if I don't get together an extra $300 by Sept 30, I will not graduate in October. This on top of the rent and other bills (plus food) I need to scrape up from lord knows where this month.

So, yeah. I won't be graduating this October. Not sure if I ever will now.

I am so glad I wasted so much tuition over the past years. So terribly glad.

Whaddaya Got?

Got an email from the grad people today telling me that I have been cleared to graduate my program, so they are confused on why I have not applied to graduate, supplying me with a helpful link to do so online.

I calmly emailed them back saying that I still owed the university money, so I could not apply to graduate. I think they were a little taken aback at my apparent willingness to toss the whole degree (which is now finished) due to a relatively small balance on my account.

I informed them that if I could pay it in time to graduate in October, I would, but if not, maybe for next June's convocation, if I can. If not then, oh well. (I didn't add that last part, but I think it was implied.)

Now I am sure some of them are questioning the soundness of my wits, but, frankly, I could care less about some worthless piece of paper that will never net me a job. I certainly don't care enough about it to go without groceries, so tough titty, folks.

I know I completed the PhD. That's enough for me. Since I will just have to take it off my CV to get customer service work, I fail to see the value of the actual scroll.

So, whatever. If they care so much about convocating me, they can waive the fees.

Pimped Up Robes

*facepalm*

I'M GONNA LOOK LIKE BARNEY WITH A PhD!

And so, reality of my school's PhD grad regalia sets in, against the nice visions I had in mind...

Lordy.

That's right... purple. The PhD blue is there... but... purple. Velvet.

Purple velvet.

ZOMG, Katie - I will have pimp robes, after all!!!

Of course my school would go for the cheap-azzed cardboard mortar board hat, even for the doctors.

I don't care - I'm getting a tam. At least leave me that much dignity.

*wimper*

On a More Pleasant Note...

Finishing my dissertation is bringing more pleasant thoughts to mind. Thoughts of pomping my robes, baby!

I think I have decided to think positively in terms of someday getting a tenure track job at a university and, thus, needing my regalia for use at future convocations/academic processions (which are often mandatory for TT profs), so I think I am going to start saving towards purchasing my own gown, hood and tam for my convocation ceremony in the fall.

Since I won't need to buy them until October 2010 (though possibly only until August if I have to order via Gaspard's), it is possible I might be able to afford to buy my own rig, with contributions from family, etc. I should say, though, it is not 100% certain I will actually get to attend my ceremony, as I might already be living elsewhere by then. However, if I am not going to my grad ceremony, then that will just give me a few more months to save up for my outfitting and I can just have it shipped to me for future use.

So, here's my party dress of choice (traditional PhD blue and gold lined hood and gold piped coal gown with PhD blue panels/chevrons, with a six-sided blue tam):

Front, with gold piping, gathered sleeves,

PhD blue panels of piled velvet, and three chevrons.

Hood, with gold piping and the traditional blue and gold lining.

(Note: It may be mandatory at my school to have a hood of purple and gold,

with a blue velvet lining...

That would be acceptable, but here's hoping there's some give in there.)

SQUEEEE! POMP!

(I know - I'm a nerd!)

A Spot of Relief

I heard back from grad studies (someone there who actually does know of what she speaks, and one who I do trust), saying that I am unlikely to run into troubles with spring fees if I meet the May 31 deadline, but that I should email her ASAP after the defence if it looks like I might not be able to meet that mark.

One issue did arise, however - my advisor cannot approve the dissertation's final submission via email, so we will need to appoint someone local to sign off on it, if advisor is out of the country (which, let's face it, she will be, since she nearly always is). This was a surprize to me, since I usually assume everything can be done electronically these days, so I am SO GLAD the grad studies person mentioned it. That could have really sunk me if we hadn't been warned. Literally, this has truly saved my arse.

Sometimes it really pays to just bloody well ask if you have concerns.

Party Plans

I have decided that I will host a get together to celebrate my defence, if all goes smoothly. I won't announce the party until after I find out if I passed, but I've decided to make it potluck, so pretty much anyone can come. I found a nice gazebo I can rent at a reasonable rate for an afternoon by a lake in a sizable park near campus, with playground equipment, washrooms and a concession stand nearby. Decorations will be simple and sparse, and I've planned out some basic foods and such.

I had been reluctant to do this, mainly because I am broke. However, the three successful candidates who have come before me each had something (one BBQ and two banquety-type things), and I figure I should think twice before being the tightwad who bucks the tradition. I will be only the fourth PhD minted from this program, so that would make me the odd one out if I skin-flinted out on this one.

My one concession to my poverty is to make it potluck; I am hoping people will be charitable enough to see this for what it is - someone who cannot afford to feed a troupe of people (especially people who make vastly more money than she does), but a person who does want to share some society with them at an important time in her life.

The park gazebo, of course, is essential due to the fact I live in an apartment that can barely accommodate four guests at a time.

Despite my initial reluctance, though, I find myself excited by the prospect of celebrating. I am starting to believe this is actually going to happen... and I am shocked, leery, but also really... what's the word? Happy? Proud? All of the above?

It seems like I might actually finish this damn degree after all.

And that is cause to celebrate, in my opinion.

Insider Info

It is always worth having a friendly relationship with the department administrative assistant. They are the real info centre of a department.

First, I discovered that one previous student did indeed have food at their defence, and that this admin assistant was the one who ordered it - now, I have coffee, cold drinks and cookies ordered for my own defence. I will bring a dozen doughnuts and a box of berries, myself.

Second - I have discovered that the courses for my department for fall and winter are to be posted next Monday. This doesn't give me much of an advantage, but knowing for sure that I haven't missed them does give me hope.

She asked me if I had ever taught my own course before, and I said no, sadly. She said she was sure the department would be more than willing to help me on this, and I said I hoped so. Silently, though, I have my doubts on that one.

On one hand, the department really should give me my first class, as the degree without teaching experience is actually quite useless on the job market - there are always dozens of under-employed ABDs/PhDs around with actual class experience, so getting a foot in is nearly impossible. They should know this, and I hope they are willing to give me at least one course to get the ball rolling - once I get one, I think it will be a lot easier to get classes (or a real job, dare I hope?) in the future.

But, on the other hand, I cannot blame them for not hiring me. In today's economy, they need to protect their department, as the university is always looking to hack away at departments that fail to earn. Why should they stick their necks out on a newbie with no experience when they can get tested professors? For this reason, I cannot fault them for not wanting to risk a foul-up.

That having been said, I am really hoping the admin's words were prophetic. If they took that chance, it would pretty much save my career, because, as it is, breaking into the biz with nothing but TA and research experience, even with publications, is absolutely grim.

Fingers crossed some more.

Losing My Brain

I have student loan forms to get in today (to keep me from having to make $800 payments every month while still in school - I sent these in only to get the "missing some information" letter), a stupid workplace safety certificate to get the paper work in for which I thought was taken care of (mandatory to save my job), bills suddenly due (didn't expect that today, and have not enough dough to really cover this - paying credit cards with credit cards now), 50 papers to mark (with some reading to do before I can do this), teaching apps due on Monday, a public lecture to finish by Wednesday (upon which my degree's completion depends), a NEW draft of my introduction to be done (this from the third reader who has given me no feedback the last three months who suddenly contacted me today with this bright news) - just two weeks before I have to submit the completed dissertation to enable me to defend and graduate, an article to submit for publication this upcoming week, a rough draft to edit for my tutoring student, and RA work that must be done ASAP.

OK... Not... to... panic...

I want to smoke from every orifice I posses.

Note to Self: Don't Call Mum

_

I made the mistake of calling my mum for her birthday today. Not wise.

After some greetings and such, I mentioned my hope of finishing in time to graduate in June, etc. Her response: "And then you'll have to worry about where to find a job."

Yes, mum, because a mother scraping to support herself and her child by herself might accidentally forget the crushing, desperate weight of her responsibility. Wouldn't that be a shame.

So, now, I feel the creeping sense of dread and depression that comes with such thoughts encroaching on the edges of my spirit again. With it comes the defeatism that nags, "Why bother finishing at all? We all know it's not going to be worth anything."

She felt badly afterwards, but the depression lingers.

With mothers being the way they are, who needs enemies?