Tired... So Tired...

For my online class, I have about 80 papers to mark before tomorrow night - only 500 words each, but still. I prepped for Monday's class today and polished up the take home midterm handout, so that's a good thing, but I also have about 20 reader responses to mark for that class by Monday.

I also have two publication projects and a conference paper to write, a job app to do, and a student loan related thingy to get done... And next week, I will have more online quizzes and 60 midterms to mark.

So Spring Break is already shot before it even arrives.

Yep. Mid-term whammy has hit me hard, and I wanna sllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Interview Update

It went really well, I thought.

I almost had a stroke at first though... 2.59, no Skype call... 3.02, no Skype call... 3.03, no Skype call... I started freaking about whether my privacy settings were not letting them contact me, or maybe I was wrong and Penn is in a different time zone, etc. haha - Panic is fun! Anyway, they did call, and the tech stuff was pretty much glitchless (for once).

The actual interview was fine, I think. I droned a little on some questions, and I flubbed one of them (sorta), but I totally frigging nailed a couple questions I couldn't possibly have anticipated ("What are the main differences between teaching Native American religion to Canadian students versus American students?" WTH?) - so that has to count for something.

However, I just got an email reply to my "thank you" in which the interviewer ended with "All the best," which of course makes me start thinking I am out of the running... Pretty silly to let wording run away from me, but it can't really be helped. Nerves happen.

In general, quite okay. Fingers crossed on getting a second interview.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I have my preliminary job interview with Big American University via Skype. I am not entirely sure how to prepare for that, but I am digging through the uni and dept websites, and the CVs of the people who I "meet" with, as well as refreshing my memory about my own CV and my dissertation.

I suspect there will be questions such as, "Tell us about a great teaching experience," and "Give us an example of a difficult teaching experience and how you handled it," which are questions I still have no answer for. Mostly, I think it will be a meet-n-greet, to see if I am worth bringing down for the real interview and audition... So, basically I have to convince them I am worth making the next round.

Now... How does one do that?

Panic

Woke up this morning in a major state of anxiety - I thought I had overslept and missed something really important, like work or class, etc... It makes sense, I guess, since today is the last day before everything starts off and running. Today, I have lots to do to prepare - laundry, and the phone tech guy is coming to figure out why my phone line dies every couple of hours and reboots continually.

Tomorrow, the real stress begins: Sprout starts daycare, so I am in knots about that, making sure his little bag is packed with his supplies and so forth. Lots of maternal hand-wringing going on there. I hope he likes it.

Tomorrow, the online course also begins, and I still am not certain what the hell I am supposed to do with the thing.

Thursday, I have my Big Scary Job Interview via Skype with a uni in the States, for a job I never, ever thought I would even have a shot at. I have no idea how to even prepare for that, aside from polishing my webcam lens.

Then, next Monday, not only does Sprout start daycare for his two days a week, but I start teaching, with my first actual class. It's a little horrifying.

So, add to that all the work I need to get done this month, and I am a little freaked out. But, today is still a holiday, so I need to breathe and stay calm. Cleaning, laundry, spending time with the tot... Calm.

Really, not calm... But working on it.

***

ETA: I just had the extreme pleasure of cancelling my phone tech appointment, since the phone seems to be doing fine now (since about 4pm last night). The guy on the phone ran a test, and he said it looked fine from his end, as well. I suspect it was a system problem that had nothing to do with my phone box, anyway. In any case, phone is working and I don't have a tech guy infiltrating my home today. So, now my day is clear to work, do laundry and prepare the tot and I for the onslaught we face this week. Now, to explain "daycare" to the poor kid...

Resolutions, 2011 Edition

2010 has been quite a year. I had my first professional fiction published, got my first academic job and my first real interview (coming up in January!), finished and received my PhD... All that has been wonderful. I have also spent the entire year living hand to mouth without a job, scraping and dodging, and trying to come up with every month's rent like a crisis. I guess you could say 2010 has been the best of times and the worst of times. I'm kind of glad it's over, but I have done a lot and made a lot of progress, so I am happy it went the way it did. It could have been more comfortable, but we survived.

So, now, in the last week of 2010 - some goals for the upcoming year.

1. To continue writing and improving at my writing, since i does make me happy, but to make it a smaller part of my waking hours.

2. To increase my academic publishing and conference record for the CV.

3. To continue to strive for a permanent teaching job, or, failing that, to secure term-by-term contracts all year so I don't have to deal with unemployment in 2011. Or, failing even that, to save as much as I can during the good times so the lean times won't be so stressful.

4. To do really, really well at my teaching - I need good evaluations for the job hunt, and I want to make myself proud of me.

5. To generally live a better life. Be healthier, keep a better home, stay on top of things and be less stressed. To enjoy my time with the tot more, and be a happier person. To have a better life, in all the big and small ways I can do that.

Happy 2011!

busy, busy, busy

Getting my two course sites up and running - brand new finalized syllabi are up in PDF, no less. I also designed the rough drafts for the term paper instructions and midterm for my in-class course, and marked out a time management plan on a separate calendar to make sure I can handle all the marking that comes with 160 students (100 first years; 60 third years).

I am also catching up on a bunch of academics-related emails that had fallen by the wayside while I fought off the plague - an editor of an encyclopedia wants to know if I can write them some entries, and some grad student wants me to participate in a panel discussion, and I had to do some follow up on some RA work and a job application.

The next couple of weeks will be dedicated to reading ahead for both courses, preparing lectures in advance (my in-class course and one guest lecture), re-writing that chapter, and doing those two Valentine's Day short stories. I also want to finish and edit my NaNo novel so I can submit it to a publisher in January... That's a lot to do, with not a lot of time to do it.

Also, as a side note, the tot has discovered that claiming to need to go poop in the potty is a great way to defer bedtime for at least 20 minutes. Kid's an evil genius for sure.

phooey

Feeling down and remorseful about not being able to go to that conference to meet the hiring committee in person. Overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness and futility, and the sense that I will never get a real job because I don't have enough money to compete for them.

My advisor's pessimism has gotten me again. I know she is right. Not going has already sunk my application. There really is no point in even doing a phone interview. This job will go to someone who has a rich enough family or enough credit or a good enough job to afford travel.

One truth that is eternal - if you are poor, the world works to keep you that way.

Only the well-off can afford to better their situation.

The rest of us better just get on welfare so the well-off can have someone to look down on.

I know my place.

More Ups and Downs

What a day.

I woke up with some sort of stomach thing that kind of ruined my morning, but I got over it. I did some book promo stuff, which was all fine, and then I fixed my library privilege issue, which is great.

THEN, I get an email... My heavens, such an email. A school in the States wants to interview little ol me for a Real Tenure Track Job!

They said, specifically - if you are in town for such-n-such conference, we could easily meet up there. OR (as we know not everyone will be able to go), we can do phone interview just as easily.

I sat there for a good two minutes, absolutely stunned. I have never gotten this far in a real job search. This position, though extremely well-suited to my education and research interests, is really about five years out of my league. I was thrilled. Terrified. Shocked.

But ecstatic. This is real progress, folks!

So, I email my ex-advisor with the news, and she promptly informs me that if I don't go to the conference, I've lost it from the start, because if I take the phone option I will not get the job.

...

So, deflated, I pretty much lost all excitement within 20 minutes of that e-mail. There is no way I can afford to travel to the States, and knowing that the phone interview is likely a waste of time did not help me.

BUT, I start to think... Hey, the guy said either way was fine, so I'm going to take that as his word, and do what I can. Yes, the in-person people will have an edge, but I am also perfect for the job (minus the one to five years of teaching experience most people have before they are even considered for a tenure track job). I'm personable, and, frankly, in-person is not always a bonus if you are not great looking or well dressed or a seasoned travellor, right?

She has her point, but I am going to assume I am not yet licked.

And, in any case, this really is progress that I managed to survive the first round of cuts and got this far. This is Big News.

So, I start to bring myself out of it all. And I call my mum, and she agrees this is very exciting. And I ask her about her day.

My dad is in hospital tonight. He got another windpipe obstruction, so they are removing it and doing some sort of procedure to widen his windpipe. And tests for throat cancer.

So...

Yes.

It's been quite a day.

Hoping for the best on all accounts.

Well, that Stung

You know what's great? When you ask someone for a recommendation letter and they get back to you saying they'd be happy to, but warning you what a long shot it is.

Thanks, I really needed that shot in the arm! Good work, there.

Why bother? There are like 6 positions in the whole world, and a thousand PhDs, with about 20 hotshots and the rest of us are just sessional fodder.

Whatever. I'm sticking to community college want ads from now on.

Sometimes it's just best to know your level, I guess.

***

ETA: On the bright side, though, her honesty just cut something off my to-do list this term, so that is certainly a plus.

Work Work Work

You know, for an unemployed person, I sure am busy these days.

My NaNoWriMo project is steaming along, at about 36.5k - only 15k until I meet the minimum requirement, which I should reach this week (fate and toddler willing), but the book is meant to be more along the lines of 60-65k, so it will take me a bit longer to reach that. I am also looking for interested publishers. I thought I had one in mind that seemed terrifically ideal, but with further research I am not so sure. I am thinking of playing with the big boys and sending it to Harlequin's e-book off print. We'll see how that goes.

This week, one of my short erotic romances releases for sale, and on December 10th my Christmas romance comes out. I have to remind myself to do those book trailers, ASAP. sigh. In December, I will have to write a couple Valentine's stories if I can find the time, as well, since next term I won't have the time to write much. (Planning one novella for all of next term, so I have to make hay while the sun shines.)

In other writing news, I finished off one freelance gig for a mag in the UK, and some editing work (some for money, some for my upcoming fiction releases), and am now off to re-write an academic chapter I submitted for an edited volume. The editor said he wanted the topic in the book, but didn't like my "flow." So, we'll see what we can do about that. He offered to call me to discuss it, but given the tot's obsession with the phone, that is so not a good idea at the moment. The editor has AIM, so maybe we'll go that way. Though it will be a ton of work to re-write the thing, I have hopes of doing it before the New Year.

I continue hoping to squeeze in some time to convert the dissertation for publication, as well. High hopes, indeed!

In terms of work, I submitted a really important job application (for a Real Job, yo), which was a lot of scurrying. I also applied for another class here for next term, which I actually got (YAY!), so now I am busy trying to prepare for two courses running from Jan to April 2011. It's hard work, and a bit stressful, but really exciting. I am starting to look forward to my courses. Check in again in February, though, as that excitement will likely have worn off by then. The finalized syllabi are due to the dept by December 1, so that is my task for the next while. Then I can start stockpiling lectures and materials, and start working on the course websites. I have a couple more applications for Sept 2011 due in January, and I am hoping the job ads for summer courses will come out soon, so there will soon be that fun, as well.

Aside from all that, which I think is a lot, there has also been the day-to-day mommy/life stuff, but that's a lot less interesting, so I shall spare you. Soon, I need to start preparing for the holidays, as well, so FUN FUN FUN there. sigh.

I hope everyone is well, and bears with me as I often neglect this poor old blog. I will return when I can.

There's my completely uninteresting, utilitarian post. Enjoy!

working forward

I have a week to decide on a dissertation chapter for a project a scholar asked me to contribute to... Which means I have left it too late to ask for advice on which chapter, which sucks. However! I am resolved to make the effort... So now I will be forced to look at the dissertation again. blah.

In other (good) news, I finished writing my holiday short a bit ahead of schedule, and ill be trying to burn through my other two short writing projects this month, so I should see some release dates coming up soon. I got very positive feedback on the guest lecturing I did last month, and have two guest lectures coming up soon. I also think I finally finished that Chaplin project, so I should see that released in the near future - and that one pays! Huzzah.

I also have some job/postdoc apps and things that look ok - or at least with trying range - for the next little while - mostly starting next summer or fall.

Just wanted to let everyone know everything isn't all bad. I'm working on things.

october's safe... now for november

Well, paid the last of the bills for October, so now I will have a couple of weeks without harassing calls, etc. This is my favourite part of the month. The calm before the storm starts up again, as it were... Now, I have to start worrying about making the last week of Oct/first week of Nov gauntlet run, but it's at least not to a stressful point, yet.

Also still keeping in mind that $115 I need to attend graduation, if I can... Not a huge concern compared to the others, but still important to me.

Work, however, is getting rather fever pitch. By October 15th, I am hoping to have the Xmas novella and an Xmas short ready for submission, a chapter for the dissertation ready to send to a fellow editing a volume, and my bookstore order in for the class next term. I also have the Chaplin article to edit this week, some job apps, and some editing work coming up, as well as two lectures to give later in the month. That's a lot of words to produce in just a few short weeks. Let's hope the squid doesn't run out of ink any time soon.

All that and the fun of regularly scheduled human survival maintenance! YAY!

So, nothing to do but to do it, I guess.

Aaaaaaannnnnddd... GO!

Update: Still Alive

I am hanging in there. Trying to get my work done, and feel ok.

Spent a good portion last night helping my advisor complete the application package for the award I will not be there in person at grad to receive, even if I win it by some miracle. (sigh.) Today, I worked towards banking some posts for the author blog, to free up my week a bit for "real writing." I've also got a butt load of academic stuff to do this week - a lecture or two to write/prepare, a chapter of the diss to modify for publication, a couple job postings to address.

So, yep - that's about it. Nothing fancy, but I'm hanging in there.

perspective

You know what's crazy? I never did give myself a pat on the back for finishing my PhD. I spent no time celebrating that or savouring it. I went on to job hunting and the teaching portfolio. And then I got a course. And I didn't pause to enjoy that, either. I then moved on to getting my novel published. But then you know what happened? It got accepted, and I didn't really feel good about that, either! Now I am on to getting some short pieces published and my full length written, etc.

It's crazy, when you think about it. I never appreciate my laurels. I only see "what next?" I'm like a shark who'll die if she stops.

You know how some people look in the mirror and see themselves as fat, no matter how skinny they are? I am like that, but with brains or accomplishments, or personal triumphs, etc. I am just never satisfied, no matter what I do. I never have been.

Anyway, this song helps me pause and put all this in perspective. It reminds me that I really need to take a moment and enjoy my grad this time, since I have never bothered going to any of my previous university graduations. I always just got them to mail me the degree, because I was already off to new goals.

That's a problem. I need to do something about that.

I am so very fucked. All this summer, I have been trying to survive until summer was over, in the hopes that I would have work in the fall. Now, to find out the finish line has been whipped away and moved four months back... How the hell am I supposed to survive?

I've lived on a hope and a prayer for months now, not having had a permanent job since December 2009 (!), and now it turns out finishing the degree was for nothing. I'm no better off, except now I am set adrift and left for dead.

Drowning, here. I'm drowning.

Disappointing

So, I didn't get my last hope for the fall term, so no teaching work for me until January 2011... I am kind of unclear about what on earth I am going to do to keep afloat until then, as childcare, employment, etc, etc, etc, are all up in the air right now.

I have half a mind to knock that stupid, worthless PhD off my resume, find some regular, real job and tell the dept to find another stooge for their pitiful winter term charity job. It would be worth it to cut all ties to that place and to have at least a shot at stability for the next year or two.

PhDs in the humanities are not worth it, folks. That's the moral of this story.

Wow - Two Weeks Later

Sorry, dear old Blog. It's been a while. It would be great if I could say I have been up to fantabulous things, but, alas, life has been pretty dull, really. We did go to St Jacobs on the train, though, so that was fairly exciting - our one trip out of own for the summer. sigh.

Things are kind of blah - I'm broke, I still haven't been able to afford to apply to graduate, and I put in apps for the fall, but still do not have teaching work for the fall term. yippee.

BUT, I do have some exciting news... They accepted my novel for publication! I will have editing stages, etc., but if all goes well, it should be available for purchase come 2011! So, that's something.

Also, I don't know if I have posted this link before, but it's quite a neat site, so take a look - it's got to be more interesting than this blog, right?

Well - It's a Start

I just got offered a course for the Jan-April 2011 term, an upper-level religious studies course.

Alas, my application for the online course was not successful, so I am still up poop creek as far as living expenses until January, but I still hold out hope that something else will come up between now and then. Maybe one of the other departments will come through for September. Let's hope!

Either way, it's a start, at least, right?

Some good news for a change. What a concept!

100 Days, 100 Movies

Well, actually, I am not setting myself a day or movie limit/assignment, but I had to call the post something, so there you have it.

My life is kind of the pits right now, what with post-school identity crisis, unemployment and those pesky wolves at the door who respond to neither garlic nor Wolf-B-Gone®, so, really, who the heck wants to hear about me? Therefore, I have decided to get back to my film buff roots, and start posting more film reviews and such.

I might even live up to the blog's subtitle and focus a lot more on silent films. (Been thinking of changing the subtitle and even the title of this blog, though it'd be strange to have a new blog title after 5 years.)

I generally watch a movie (or some TV on DVD) a day, anyway, so I think I will start posting a review a day, with some videos when I can - no promises, though, as I am sure I will miss some days, or have Real Life stuff crowd in on the action. However, writing reviews is good for my brain and skills, and a lot more fun than whining (which I am sure I will still do from time to time), so I think I will revert to that.

That is, of course, if I don't get evicted in July when I can't pay the rent.

La-di-da, la-di-da.

New Skin for an Old Blog

When I first started on Blogger, way back in April 2005 (before I even started my PhD, if you can believe it), you couldn't change the template without losing all of your manually-entered links. Now look at all the fancy!

I started this blog because I was anxiously waiting to move here and start my new degree, and I couldn't find work so I had time to kill... Funny how life has sort of come full circle on that one. Though with less time to kill now, thanks to tot.

My first blog was, if I recall, a black/blue/green/beige affair. Then it was red/white/grey for a bit. Then I got into the minima templates, but with custom colours, and did that for a long time. But, today, the blog has a new, fresh look - like spilled watercolours. Nice, I think.

Today I put in three of the last four teaching apps, with the final one due on Monday - it makes sense that the blog get a rejuvenation right now, at a transition in my life. Just the same as it started.

ETA: Decided to go with the Victorian poppies, instead - I've always been partial to things that look like old naturalist sketches.