blah

Kind of low today. Declan has been a bit hard to deal with today - sweet, but pooping a lot, and just generally demanding a lot of attention. Dissertation work is way behind, but I just feel like sleeping.

It's just a phase, I'm sure - but I do hope it passes fast.

Screw Student Loan Online Crap... Screw Modernity

Last night and tonight, I got automated emails from the student loans people saying they are missing info, and I should look online to see what. But the online thing is so filled with safety crap, it won't recognize me and let me set up an online account to look. Grrrrr. Whatever happened to those old fashioned things called letters? Or even the new fangled thingamajig called a phone?

I hate it when things try to modernize.

Six Months

Today, Declan turns six months old. Has it really been six months?

Next thing I know, he'll be 18 and gone.

No News

Pay came in, rent went out. Working on dissertation chapter feverishly.

Watched a few interesting movies recently; will whip up some mini-reviews soon, maybe.

Term starts again next week. Blah.

I'm a Fool, but a Hopeful Fool

I think I've decided to apply for a post-doc grant. Not likely to get it, but I think I deserve a shot at it. Lord help the poor, silly optimist.

Poetry

Declan is asleep, and I am filled with calm and beautiful feelings. I have music in my head and I am reading poetry about love - not sappy - some bitter - sweetness.

A lovely moment as I enjoy a cup of coffee and the sound of trees in the wind.

Ugh. Campus.

Boo! I have to go to campus today to get something signed and to shift some library books around between some profs I work for, and to pick some stuff that came in for me for the dissertation. No telling what campus will be like, as it is now (shockingly) the last week of August! Possibly crawling with undergrads doing their reindeer games... though that might be next week, I hope. Well, at least the weather is supposed to be cool - the student business office has a lot of stairs, so no stroller means the carrier. And we get pretty nasty-sweaty in that thing on humid days.

Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Wish I could hide at home today.

However, duty calls, and duty knows no social anxiety disorder!

had a great day

Boo

It's hot here again. Me no likely. Not at all.

Brilliant!

The editor from JQ called my piece "brilliant." Not so sure about that, but I am relieved and gratified she thinks so.

Sometimes in every life, even a little sunshine must fall.

How to Poop

Money Sucks

Tuition (or at least 10% of it) is due today, and my pockets are empty.

My horoscope told me that the insecurity in my position will make me rise to the occasion. Frankly, all it is doing is giving me stomach troubles.

How can I write a dissertation without knowing that I can pay the tuition that will let me stay in school long enough to graduate? With the threat of dropping out or being kicked out looming over me, I can't say my motivation is very high.

Take my advice - PhD is not worth the stress.

Me and Declan - August 2008

Loneliness

Night time is the worst, when it hits me the hardest. I can hear Declan snuffling in his sleep, and that is comforting... But I am just plain lonely.

eeeeeeeeep

The folks at Jewish Quarterly liked my article so much, they've decided to feature it, which makes me a little alarmed. How can I make it worth featuring before the end of the week??? It was something I threw together, and now sprucing it up enough to avoid looking like an ass might take some serious scaffolding.

Oh, and not to mention the little (gulp) matter of the two chapters I am working on for my dissertation. Yikes.

Stymied

I feel like I'm wading through mud up to my knees. I can't seem to hurry. Now I have a busy Monday ahead of me, and I still can't seem to gather up any get up and go. And Declan keeps staring into the corners of my dark and lonely apartment like he sees something I don't, and it is creeping the hell out of me.

Loneliness and stress are starting to get to me, and I fear I am losing my mind...

Funk

And I don't mean the kind you dance to.

Caged

I gotta get outside today, and blow the stink off Declan. Walks alone - boring. However, I need to run some errands, and it's been forever since I've had a cup of Tim's.

Horrible

Screwed

Man, I have so much work to do in the next two weeks, but also so many fiddly little annoying bits of life stuff to take care of.

Bah!

Now I understand the purpose of the monastery for work and contemplation. No 13th century monk ever had to deal with student loan faxes.

shut in

I've got so much to do, I feel overwhelmed, and I have the urge to hide in my apartment, even though I know that won't help. The main issue is campus. I just can't face it. I've got to go pick up library materials for my TA prof, and get a form signed by the admin to prove I am in school (for student loans), but campus just makes me feel like being sick. I just want my cocoon.

Chances are, yesterday was too much activity for me, and I miss Katie - going to campus and back without seeing a single soul with whom to share a cup of coffee just seems depressing.

However, I did get my exact list of articles assigned for my work on Dr B's encyclopedia [Reform Judaism, Conservative Judaism, Orthodox Judaism (800-900 words each) and Open Source Judaism (400) and Jewish Emigration to North America (800) and Judaism and Modernity (1200 words)], so I might hide and do that, and make my best run at campus on Monday - but I will HAVE to do my campus chores then, as it is pushing it for that loan stuff and they will only hold some of my books until then.

So, today: At least three articles done for that encyclopedia; fax the loan form that I fill out; fax Katie's form for her; pick up a $4 veggie rice from the Chinese place to make myself feel better. How's that for a Friday of wallowing?

What? Again?

AGAIN I am shocked by the 15th of a month - why does the first two weeks always pass me in a blur??? Gah! I am so behind!

***
Also, no Zoey, sadly. Katie found more convenient lodging for the feline. Oh well. I kind of have my hands full, anyway, I guess. But I was looking forward to doing something nice for Katie in return for her free babysitting.

Had a nice night with friends, though. Wine and Battlestar Galactica. What's better than that?

So Long, Katie!

Today, or tonight, rather, my friend Katie goes off to Honduras for two weeks to help out at an underprivileged boys' school. I am very proud of her, but i will miss her. She has quickly become one of my best friends, and I know life will be strange without her. It was a year ago yesterday that we solidified our friendship, when she came with me to my first ultrasound with the little tadger.

We wish her well!

***
Oh, and in related news, we receive shipment of Katie's cat Zoey today, as well, as we cat-sit for her... Wish us luck.

Declan's New Blog

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
-- Elizabeth Stone

More on that theme here.

Teething

Things aren't as calm and pleasant around Whoville these days as it once was.


***
EDIT: I have Baby Tylenol left over from his bris and needles, but that's all I have by way of pain relief. Here are a few other things people have recommended to me:

• Camilia
• Tempra
• Hyland's Tablets
• Baby Advil or Baby Motrin

Right now, nursing is the first line of defense, but it is likely that teething pain might prevent him from enjoying even that, so I want to find other ideas. I am also using cold teethers and counter-pressure, and will start offering chilled, wet washcloths for chewing. I use gripe water to help with indigestion and general fussiness.

Any feedback or other suggestions?

To Skype or Not to Skype...?

I am thinking of installing Skype to keep in touch with Murph better. Declan and I see him now on MSN chat webcam, but I have been told that Skype is superior. Also, it might be useful in case my advisor wants chats with more punch (and cheaper than phone calls from Israel).

We'll see how it goes.

I Forgot...

I had something great in mind to blog about when I woke up this morning, but it's fled straight out of my mind. Oh well, let's just pretend I wrote something major-superfly, then, can we?

But the main thing is that it is now creeping into mid-August, and I am very nearly pooping myself with stress over everything that I hope to do this month. Why, oh why, did I take a few days off after that last chapter??? UGH.

Tasks for today:

• tax letter written and emailed
• student loan form filled out and faxed
• bursary thing filled out
• find a better webcam program (with sound)
  
• Dr M's articles compiled onto disk
• Dr K's bibliography finished and emailed and printed
• Dr K's articles compiled onto disk
• read and note at least one film theory article for dissertation
• play with Declan
• wash the dishes
• call parents
• go to store for t.p. and milk

Tomorrow, it is library day. Yippee.

Oh well, onward and upward.

It Gets You When You Sleep

I may give up sleeping, as it makes me vulnerable. It always seems that moods shift, and bad news comes when I take some sleep. It's better to stay awake and keep a watchful eye on everything.

Suddenly, my life feels like I am in the jungle, and there are eyes all around me waiting for my camp fire to burn out.

Finally, a Reason to Like Canada's Border Gaurds

For those of who haven't heard, the Westboro (so-called) Baptist Church from Kansas is planning to disrupt the funeral of that young fellow killed on a Greyhound in Manitoba. They say the killing was an act of G-d that he deserved for being a "rebellious carny", and that Canada earned for our "rebellion" against G-d by being a "gay friendly" nation.

The government has alerted the border not to let these people in. Normally, I would say this just adds fuel to the fire of Americans who like to see Canada as a socialist tyranny. However, in balance to the idea of this kid's parents having to attend their son's funeral with screaming idiots outside explaining how he deserved it, I am all for the strong arm of the border lending their protection here.

This guy was a carny, yes, and perhaps he wasn't a saint. In fact, I am pretty perturbed by people tossing the label "hero" out on him - this is a term that has been practically destroyed by the Oprah crowd's desecration of it. He was neither a saint, nor a hero. He was a person. One who didn't deserve to be butchered in his sleep. Let's not forget that last part.

Whatever or whoever you worship, you can stick it up your ass when it's someone else's son being buried.

This is a horrible thing all around, and while I can't say I am uninterested in the story (especially when it comes to more news about the killer and what he was thinking/going through to make this situation arise), I do think it is time for people to move on. It was all the media coverage and rubber-necking that caused the victim to become a lightening rod for these freaks.

Let's let them mourn in peace, shall we?

Please, leave them alone.

Demon Farts

I just looked up the meaning of the word pumpernickel, and it seemingly has something to do with "intestinal wind" and the devil. I knew there was something special about this stuff.

On Wednesday, I splurged and bought myself a lovely, fresh, soft $2 loaf of black-black-black pumpernickel. I brought it home, and, in a misguided optimism about how long I could ration such a lovely thing, I froze it, to only have once in a while. However, it is already almost all gone, as I have been eating it with coffee every morning. Oh my goodness, what a treat! The weather has been co-operating marvelously, by having brilliant, crisp temperatures for me during my luxurious breakfasts of delight.

Really, a wonderful way to start the day.

No Rest for the Wicked

I just submitted a dissertation chapter, and I am already onto the next one. Pfft.

This month's tasks:

• documentary review
• chapter for submission at the end of the month
• finish rough draft of introduction (may or may not be submitted)
• encyclopedia articles for Dr B
• bibliography for Dr K
• finish library work for Dr M
• organize office for Dr R
• start editing article for Dr R
• new draft of JQ article
• student loan and bursary crap
• 6 month birthday party for Dec in early Sept?
• cat-sit Zoey for two weeks!!!
  

you get the number of that truck?

So, two or three hours of sleep... really not enough.

I'd sell my left kidney to be able to go back to bed.

Yup. Today should be fun.

Can't Sleep

Boo.

10%!

I just submitted my first dissertation chapter - the theory chapter. 30 pages of 300 - so 10% done in draft! I was a few days late, sadly, which did not go unnoticed, but it was really hard to let it go.

I am already on to the next chapter, as I hope to get two done this month, if I can - the short genre study chapter, and a rough draft of the introduction, if I can - but that will be like 40 pages, with the lit review and methods and everything, so we'll see how that goes.

But, yes - We're on our way!

Chilly, and Lovely

It is very quiet here, and I am trying to type silently. I got up after a bit of sleep to continue with my work. I have a hot coffee, which is a comfort in the chill. Declan is asleep, and he is so sweet right now, it is hard to work and not just lie beside him and watch him. He got up with me for an hour for a fresh diaper and some breakfast, but slid back into sleep. He enjoys a good sleep in until noon, that little fellow, and I am hoping I can get a few hours of work in before he wakes up again.

Things are peaceful. It is a good morning.

*hangs head in shame*

So, yes, I've decided to give in, and try some scrapbooking - largely under the assumption that scrapbooks are harder to destroy, mentally (and physically) than are electronic forms of memory. I know, this is SO Soccer Mom. However, I will like the creative aspect, and I am sure there will be times in my, and even Declan's, life where we will all be grateful I chronicled his life in such an elaborate way.

I have decided on three scrapbooks to start: Declan's Arrival (pregnancy and birth); Declan's First Year; and Declan's Holidays (this will likely be multi-volume and will be for birthdays, holidays and vacations). For the yearly one, I think two pages a week would work. I plan on having a handwritten note about the item/event, including weight/height stats from the doctor's visits, etc, with relevant pictures and mementos.

So, in future, scrapbooking materials will always be welcome. Not only the Dollarstore and hobby shop variety (stickers, letters, etc), but recovered materials, too, such as ribbons, foil, old greeting cards, etc. Just save these kinds of stuff up for me, and I will start a bin for them. I will also gratefully accept photo suggestions, as I plan on using a mix of photo-paper and printer-paper shots throughout. Also, notes and descriptions of good times are very much appreciated, as well.

As to starting another blog... I may. Don't know, yet. It is too soon, maybe. For now, this scrapbooking project, and perhaps a paper journal, will be my focus.

ow

Got bit inside the shell of my freaking ear by a mosquito - now it's bleeding and sore as hell. I put the phone to my ear too quickly a bit ago and almost died. I have given birth for christ's sake - why is this agony for me?

All I can assume is that I rarely get pains in my outer ear, so that is my wuss zone.

Fuck. Ouch.

It's Over

I was forced to delete Declan's blog today, which has hurt me more than I can say. I don't even know if I want to keep blogging at all now. I won't delete this blog, as I have put many years into it, but I am not sure if I will ever update it again. I am uninstalling chat programs from my computer and dropping off the internet. It was something I probably shouldn't have gotten mixed up in, in the first place.

I'm in so much pain right now, I can't really say any more right now.

Notes on the Door are Never Good

Gotta make a quick run to a bank or post office or something today, as it seems I have a small balance owing from my apartment management cooperation and I have no cheques. It's a small amount, and I got paid this week, but with a sick baby and being behind in my work, this added distraction/time-suck is not exactly what I needed. Oh well - at least this takes me close to a grocery store. I was getting tired of the daily scrounge for food in my quickly-emptying cupboards, anyway.

Still. Life harasses me sometimes.

Something's Wrong

Declan and I are both a bit on the sick side with colds. My work is failing. Things all over are out of sorts. I just can't explain it all, but there really are a lot of things that just aren't right in life right now.