Tired... So Tired...

For my online class, I have about 80 papers to mark before tomorrow night - only 500 words each, but still. I prepped for Monday's class today and polished up the take home midterm handout, so that's a good thing, but I also have about 20 reader responses to mark for that class by Monday.

I also have two publication projects and a conference paper to write, a job app to do, and a student loan related thingy to get done... And next week, I will have more online quizzes and 60 midterms to mark.

So Spring Break is already shot before it even arrives.

Yep. Mid-term whammy has hit me hard, and I wanna sllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Such a Moron

Who? Me. I'm a moron.

I put things off and put things off, playing chicken with reality, to the point where I make my own troubles.

sigh.

long weekend

So, what's everybody got planned for the long weekend?

Here, if the humidity is indeed better, I plan on taking care of some long overdue house chores:

• deep clean the kitchen and bathroom
• clear out fridge and freezer
• picking up everywhere and doing the floors
• catching up on back laundry
• getting rid of all that recycling piling up
• boxing up all extra books, etc, to unload them on a book seller
• clearing out the bedroom for a play room
• convert crib to tot bed

That's a lot to do in one weekend, but I can't put it off any longer. I can't just delay it any more because tot will get in the way - I'll just have to work around him.

So, not really exciting plans for the long weekend, really, but I'm enthusiastic about it, at least. :)

Losing My Brain

I have student loan forms to get in today (to keep me from having to make $800 payments every month while still in school - I sent these in only to get the "missing some information" letter), a stupid workplace safety certificate to get the paper work in for which I thought was taken care of (mandatory to save my job), bills suddenly due (didn't expect that today, and have not enough dough to really cover this - paying credit cards with credit cards now), 50 papers to mark (with some reading to do before I can do this), teaching apps due on Monday, a public lecture to finish by Wednesday (upon which my degree's completion depends), a NEW draft of my introduction to be done (this from the third reader who has given me no feedback the last three months who suddenly contacted me today with this bright news) - just two weeks before I have to submit the completed dissertation to enable me to defend and graduate, an article to submit for publication this upcoming week, a rough draft to edit for my tutoring student, and RA work that must be done ASAP.

OK... Not... to... panic...

I want to smoke from every orifice I posses.

Calm Blue Ocean

Harassed at every corner, by aggravating students and bill collectors and student loan paper work and dissertation crap, along with that stupid poison control certification thingy through campus which is pretty damn stupid for someone who never uses chemicals in her work, the intrepid student/mom sallies forth into the world to try to sort her life out. If, that is, she can get away from the overdue vital email exchange with one of her readers that seems to be suddenly crucial to her submission deadline...

F********************************CK!

restless

I wish I had something fun to do. The weather is so nice, and I am forcing myself to not open the dissertation files today. I want some excitement... Cheap excitement.

Over the next week, this is on the docket:

• Job application for March 15. (Decided to go a head with it even though I no longer stand a chance at being convocated by the time the job starts. WTH? It's free to apply.)
• Prepare my public defence lecture and powerpoint, and choose the clips.
• Find a nice shirt to wear to public lecture. Possibly a skirt, too. :-o
• Mark assignment 4 for the course I am IAing for this month.
• Finish RA report.
• Edit works cited and expand filmography notations.
• Write dissertation abstract.
• Prepare old intro to send to a journal for publication.
• Do some student loan stuff, and possibly tax return.
• Re-read dissertation after a few days away from it.
• Skim through all my research notes to make sure I didn't forget to add/ref any points.
• Clean apartment and do some baking.

So, that will keep me busy for the next week. But what to do NOW?

Feb is Waning

OH HOLY POOP. How is it the 18th already? I am so screwed, as I have so many Real Life things that have fallen behind, my mind reels... from student loan red tape to health card crap to rent, I am not prepared for March, and the bitch is creeping just around the corner.

Crap.

Screw Student Loan Online Crap... Screw Modernity

Last night and tonight, I got automated emails from the student loans people saying they are missing info, and I should look online to see what. But the online thing is so filled with safety crap, it won't recognize me and let me set up an online account to look. Grrrrr. Whatever happened to those old fashioned things called letters? Or even the new fangled thingamajig called a phone?

I hate it when things try to modernize.

shut in

I've got so much to do, I feel overwhelmed, and I have the urge to hide in my apartment, even though I know that won't help. The main issue is campus. I just can't face it. I've got to go pick up library materials for my TA prof, and get a form signed by the admin to prove I am in school (for student loans), but campus just makes me feel like being sick. I just want my cocoon.

Chances are, yesterday was too much activity for me, and I miss Katie - going to campus and back without seeing a single soul with whom to share a cup of coffee just seems depressing.

However, I did get my exact list of articles assigned for my work on Dr B's encyclopedia [Reform Judaism, Conservative Judaism, Orthodox Judaism (800-900 words each) and Open Source Judaism (400) and Jewish Emigration to North America (800) and Judaism and Modernity (1200 words)], so I might hide and do that, and make my best run at campus on Monday - but I will HAVE to do my campus chores then, as it is pushing it for that loan stuff and they will only hold some of my books until then.

So, today: At least three articles done for that encyclopedia; fax the loan form that I fill out; fax Katie's form for her; pick up a $4 veggie rice from the Chinese place to make myself feel better. How's that for a Friday of wallowing?

Feet Do Your Duty...

Oh man - How is it nearly mid-July already? Where did the last week go?

Poop! Poop, I say, and poop I mean.

The rest of the summer is a dead heat to finish things.

A break down:

July:

• Prepare dissertation theory and methods chapter for the committee for August 1 (yikes)
• Write article on Seinfeld/Larry David for Jewish Quarterly by July 21
  
• Submit bursary apps for fall term (ASAP)
  
• Get forms signed and submitted for loan relief (ASAP)
  
• Finish up bibliographies for Dr M
• Finish annotating bibliographies for Dr R
• Get started on project for Dr K
• Possibly more WebCT work for Dr M?
  

August:

• Write genre review dissertation chapter for Sept 1
• Figure out tuition for fall
  
• Write entries on Jewish topics for Dr B's encyclopedia of religion and modernity for Sept
  
• Finish Dr K's project
• Write review for Women in Judaism (ASAP)
  
• Finish up with Jewish Quarterly

Oh, and add to that being a wife, a mother to an infant, a friend, and a human (with needs to bathe, eat and sleep regularly myself). Jeesh.

Can I just run away with the circus?

Such is Life

Having a morning of ups and downs, but things have settled somewhere near ok now. Had a bit of student loan blow up this morning, but now some good news and some leftover birthday cake has made up for it.

Still thinking of spending the day in my pjs, though. It's nasty out there!

Student Loans Can Bite Me. Seriously.

I am mired. I need a loan this summer. There are no two ways about it, really. Either I get the OGS (insert hollow laugh of impossibility here) or I get a loan, or I starve, starting May 1st. The issue is, as usual, that I am kind of late getting the paper work done. However, this year I am getting smarter and will get ALL the paper work in at the same time, rather than sending in the application, waiting six weeks, getting a letter saying I don't have everything, sending more stuff in, and waiting yet another six weeks to hear from them, process the loan, and then wait a week for my money.

However, this year I have brand new troubles. How does one get the signature of a husband on loan papers within a week when he is in West Virginia? OK, if you can figure that one out, try this one on for size: How does one supply the loan people with your new husband's Canadian social insurance number when he isn't Canadian? You like that one? OK, how do you explain to them that you don't actually LIVE with your husband, but nor are you separated? On top of that, how do you explain that my marital status does not influence the fact that I still have to pay my own bills?

Good lord! What decade are we in? Why do I need my husband to approve my loan? And why should I expect my husband to fork over the dough for my tuition? Do I need his permission? Am I expected to be a leech off of him? Perhaps THAT is why I am in school, no?

DUMB ass government loans can bite my SMART ass. And if I starve, I won't go down quietly.

Friends and Misfortune

The student loan people short changed me, my scratch and win was a scratch and lose, and my cookie is disabled (whatever that means), so these things are not my friends.

But, no matter what happens, I do have a handful of really good friends, who I have just re-discovered. They have helped me a lot this week, and will continue to help me. I do not have to name them, because I hope I have thanked them individually as the week progressed. They should know who they are.

I love you guys.
*

STRESS!

Oh where, oh where, could my student loan be? Oh where, oh where, has it gone?

Yes, folks, I am yet again waiting for my loan papers, which are, yet again, a bit late. This is not abnormal, nor is it completely the fault of the loan people, as I was a bit late myself submitting the papers. However, this year I have immediate need of it, as apartment hunting is not much use without the two months’ rent checks to back it up.

So everything is backing up on itself. Need loan, to get apartment. Need apartment to get utilities set up and address changes done. Need those done so I can finish a million and one tasks that suddenly need my mailing address. (But have no real mailing address right now, except for the department.) Aside from this, I still have my grant proposals to finish, transcripts to get my hands on, a million banking tasks to complete, a paper to prepare and present, and RA duties to somehow fulfill in the meantime, including, it seems, some left over work from last summer.

And, today, I call my mum to break the news, and possibly bum a loan if they can swing it.

Yes, I love being 28 and being possessed of no emergency savings. It really makes one feel like a real, live human being, no? And all of those people who assume that I am somehow taking an “easy route” for still being in school, rather than working in some cubicle jungle for AT&T, can seriously kiss my ass. No, not just kiss. Lick and polish, folks, because I am truly suffering for my life choices right now, in the form of complete and utter dependence on other cubicle jungle inmates for my loan forms. Got that?

So, basically, my life is a series of “Check Loan Status” frustrations and stomach pains.

Now do you see why I can’t really update this thing?
*

I Think it Will Be Alright

For the past two or three days, I have been sick to my stomach with anxiety and fear. I slept in my clothes for a spell this morning, without having intended to sleep, so I woke up sore and unrested, with a tired and foggy brain. I was hard pressed to even remember that I can speak English, let alone type it.

This morning, amongst the normal chores of life and PhD, I had 2,000 words to write on the Jack Benny piece, on top of a Clapboard review to turn in before Catherine sent goons after me.

I have been playing beat the clock with a DVD from Amazon that must come by Friday at the absolute latest if it can be of any use in my work. Pump those mail-sorting arms, you wretched, order-picking Oompa-loompas!

I have also been harassed. Profs have started to email me with feedback on my last field comp list, and they seem to have conflicting views as to its goal and substance… I just want to get the thing firmed up so there will be one less thing to concern myself with. Currently, I have decided to lay low and wait until the conflict is resolved over my head.

So, I was trying hard not to go insane, for I had the feeling that, if I did, it would be a spectacular breakdown involving fire and horrible visions, a la Barton Fink.

However, the Benny draft is done to the right length, after a burst of mysterious creative energy that resulted in 1,500 words in one afternoon. Don’t ask me if it makes sense or not… But, then, that’s what the editing process is for.

(This piece is due, no matter what, by Saturday night. That will be one thing taken care of, one way or another. So, about four more days, give or take… I think I can just about manage that.)

And I even managed to sneak a mediocre Clapboard review out. Not great, but obligation fulfilling, and, for right now, that is enough.

On a bright note, it seems my student loan is in transit AS WE SPEAK, so they will not have to kick me out of school or take my thumbs. Any other week, this would be a relief… I am not sure how I feel about it right now.

We Are Solvent Again!

(Deep sigh of relief.)

Student loan funds appeared in our bank account today, so we are once again safe from the rent and grocery monster that haunts our footsteps. Further, now we can actually purchase the rest of our text-books and course readings, so our profs don’t have to boil and eat our innards at every class!

So, like the responsible student I am, I went and got my books this afternoon. And, like the irresponsible child I am, I also got myself a treat.

In the time honoured new-term-money ritual, I headed to HMV and got myself two DVDs. Nothing too extravagant: The 1938 Robin Hood special edition (on sale) and a discount-bin copy of Corrina, Corrina (1994). Don’t hate me, but I do enjoy that movie, and now that we no longer have TBS, I am without a significant Whoopi Goldberg source (man, I really love that woman!). Alas, there were no Marx Brothers films in stock that I didn’t already have. Quelle dommage!

All told, it’s not so shameful. Total cost, including tax: $29.88. Value of a little unnecessary spending to my sanity: Immeasurable!

So, keeping in mind my resolution to take my course work more seriously, it is time to make a decision… Do my readings for tomorrow... :(..., or watch a movie... :)...?

I think you know me well enough to know which way this is heading…

Yup. Horseshoes Up my Arse.

(Actually, that phrase is funny to me, because it sounds like a really bad farm accident.)

In any case, flush with my success with my other prof, I emailed the prof for whom I am writing a paper for today, and asked if I could get a minor extension until tomorrow morning, or at least until tonight, as it was to be emailed. This was a long shot, as this prof is pretty damned authoritarian, and, moreover, doesn’t seem to like me very much. However, this paper is turning out to be a pretty excellent piece of work, if I do say so myself, and I felt bad about turning it in without giving it a chance to be all it can be.

And, to my surprise, the answer came back positive! Not much, just a short reprieve to edit and retool certain parts of it. I have until tomorrow morning at 10am. A goodly wealth of time to refine and tinker through tonight.

So that was pretty damn unexpected, and it relieves the hammer-like pressure building behind my eyes. However, a second unexpected boon has fallen into my lap.

Having reviewed my student loan file, the good people at the Nova Scotia student assistance office has, without me even asking, reassessed my file, and granted me an extra $2000, receivable immediately. We weren’t exactly broke, but let’s just say that, after the clearing up of some significant debts, we were keeping a closer eye than before on my paychecks.

It’s like getting a “Get Out of Jail Free” card AND a “Winner of the Baby Contest – Collect $2000” card all at once!

Yes, once again, everything IS coming up Holly! (Until, of course, the inevitable down fall that always comes when something good happens to me.)

Adventures in Cat Sitting, and Other Diversions

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

I am sitting in the living room of my attic apartment with sweat pouring down my face like I imagine pork juice rolling off a slowly rotating ham. It hit 41 today, and that’s only a start of things to come, as it is only June. It’s official- we’re in hell.

However, you all know how I feel about the weather, so I won’t linger too long there. There are a couple of balls in the air right now, so I have not been too conscientious about updating, so perhaps I should catch you up.

In the news today, our parliament passed the same sex marriage bill! Who said that a bunch of fifty-something suits couldn’t see the future?

My friend, Mike, who went into the hospital with some serious illness that no one was talking about, has been released, though he is still very unwell. The illness? An ulcer hemorrhaged and knocked him out for a couple days. Bad, but could have been worse.

Our Union is still speeding towards a strike, and the Part Time Instructors (professors without tenure, engaged per term) at McMaster may walk for the right to some job security as early as July 20th. Great. (And if anyone from the Union exec is reading this, get off and go write your piece for my freaking newsletter- I assign deadlines for a reason!)

I am finally sorting out the problems in my student loan paper work. I tried to be good and apply, paper-less and early, online, only to have the final authorization form gobbled up by a Yahoo “pop-up-blocker”. It has taken me two weeks to solve this little snafu, and I think I may actually be safe from the student loan monsters. However, I still have nightmares in which giant share-ware “bells and whistles” jump up and eat my dissertation, and then I die. What do you think that means?

This morning I received news about the apartment for which we have applied. The company’s policy is that, as we are students, we are required to have two “adult” co-signers. I tried to explain that, at nearly thirty, this was a little unnecessary and fairly demeaning. However, they stuck to their guns, and I spent about an hour trading fax numbers and negotiating how this will work. At first they wanted one parent to sign for each of us, but my parents live about 45 minutes’ drive from a fax machine (stuck in beautiful, but isolated, rural Nova Scotia), at which they can only send- not receive. I would have to ExpressPost the form to them and have them fax it to me, and then I’d fax it to the company. Oh- did I mention they needed it by Thursday morning? Yeah, so my mum was pretty much out. In the end, I haggled everybody down to each of John’s parents signing- one for each John and I. The company agreed to fax the form directly to PEI (where his folks live), and then John’s mum faxed it back to the company. Extraordinarily convenient, yes? I didn’t even have to leave the house, while when this whole thing started I was planing on having to trek to campus and playing “Name That Fax” for about six hours! John’s mum called us at 7pm to tell us the deed was done! Nice.

And speaking of “trek” (good segue, hmm?), John and I have been baby sitting the cat of the sister of my old thesis advisor, who lives down stairs from me (clear?). So, every day we stomp down stairs at least twice to spend an hour or so with this lovely, fat, horrendously orange tabby named Felix (picture Garfield, not illustrated or, even worse, CGI). This is pretty nice, as that flat is ten times cooler than our attic paradise. We’ve been taking our cat, Fritz, down there to play with Felix and catch his breath. He’s been finding our apartment far too warm, as he lies about on his back, whimpering. So, as we sit down there in the heavenly breeze-and-ceiling-fan atmosphere, we take advantage of her TV and watch old episodes of Star Trek: TNG. Gosh, if I could picture a wonderful afterlife… You see, we got rid of the cable about a year ago, as an unwanted expense, and the only things I miss are news and Star Trek! (The horrible story behind this is that, after we canceled the cable, it was actually cut off THE DAY OF 2004 FEDERAL ELECTION! I died!) So that is how I spend my days this week.

Finally, how I spend my evenings. My evenings are designated for what I like to call my “Water Chores.” I spend about an hour every evening in the kitchen keeping this place hydrated. I fill my “Brita” about a hundred times. I fill the two jugs with fresh water. The water that was left unused from today in the jugs, I use to make fresh ice for tomorrow, and the old ice I put in the ice tub for use in the cat’s water, our drinks, and on foreheads. I fill all 16 water bottles we drink during the day, and make sure the “guest water” is fresh, filtered, and cold. I do this at night, as water pumps use electricity and these days all major appliances are best used after 8pm to avoid brown-outs. Further, too many wonderful Ontarians are out washing their *&#$@! cars during the day, so best leave the water for that wonderful use. Or for that ass across from me who hoses down his DRIVEWAY every day. Gee, nothing like ignoring conservation requests from the government.

In a final note, I do invite anyone who hasn’t already, to follow the “I heart Catherine” link on my sidebar to a great blog belonging to a dear friend of mine- it’s particularly funny this week. Also, Catherine is working diligently on her thesis right now, so I can’t bother her. Thus, I say “hello” to her, in case she actually takes the time to check this thing. The 51-miz-ouse salute goes to her!

A Specter is Haunting my Life

It's time to take control of our lives. It's time to rise up against the student loan oppressors!

Who's with me?