Big Day

Today, Murph and I mark one year of marriage -- and we are actually in the same country to celebrate it!

September 10

Today is the 8th month of marriage mark for Murph and I, and, though I will be busy today and can't really celebrate with him on the phone or chat as well as I would like, the day does make me smile.

Also, on a sadder note, today, Charlotte, the daughter of my best friend from elementary school, Mel, would have been two had she not died so sadly young. I am sure a lot of thoughts will be with Mel and her husband Dave, as well as with little Charlotte, today.

I Want to Be a Housewife

Getting ready to slog to campus for official business type crap, I suddenly felt depressed, as if I had been chasing after something my whole life that really didn't matter in the greater scheme of things. Perhaps this is just a passing hormone cloud, but I don't really think so. I have suddenly realized there is more to life than degrees and a tenure track position. Sometimes I think we trade our souls for the ephemeral illusion of success, when, really, I don't know that we have to go so bloody far.

You know, I think girls today are being ripped off. In school, we are all basically indoctrinated with this idea that you must go to school and get some sort of career, or else you are setting back the Women's Movement or something - as if staying at home and having kids is somehow equivalent to repealing the universal suffrage laws. This is unfair. Women's rights should be about increasing women's choices, not limiting them. I do feel a bit screwed over. These days, I am starting to think I could have survived quite happily as a housewife - given enough books around, a good husband, and some time for volunteer work, of course. I don't see how the rat race is that much of a better way to live.

You've come a long way, baby - only to find the secret to life isn't in a salary, afterall.

Six Months

Today marks six months of marriage for Murph and I - some ups and downs, but generally a lovely experience. Never one to encourage marriage in the past, I now have to say it can be a great thing.

Happy monat-versary, Scamp! Here's to many, many more!

The 10th of May

Today marks four months of marriage for Murph and me... And how shall we celebrate it? On the phone, of course, but this time reviewing for my comp exam for Friday. It's not the most romantic way to go about it, maybe, but it is sweet of him to be constantly willing to help. And it certainly will be a memorable time.

It will either be the night before my doom or the night before a major milestone in my career. Stay tuned to find out which.

Now... back to performance studies and why I should care about it.

The First Year

Taking a noodle break and cruising the net before getting back to work, I hit upon some random "healthy marriage" self-help spots. Now, most of the stuff I found was pretty self-explanatory, such as "Don't show contempt for you mate." (I could add to that, "Don't FEEL contempt for your mate, since you married the guy," but I'm just going to hope they meant that folded in with the performance aspects.) But I figured it wouldn't hurt to get a bit of "expert" advice, or at least to see somethings we all know set down in writing, as reminders.

There was a lot of advice for those of us in "The First Year," (example) which, according to the experts, is supposed to be the most hellish, as it is a period of adjustment. Personally, I wonder if that first year of retirement might not be worse, since it will involve looking at your changed partner in a brand new way, all day, while dealing with your own changing self-image. But that we shall see.

I don't talk a lot about my marriage on this blog in any direct or theoretical way. I suppose this is partly because Murph and I express our marriage's state of the union to each other enough that I don't really feel the need to talk about it here, which I think is a good thing. However, sometimes it is wise to contemplate the theory of marriage. (And I really hope he doesn't mind me talking about it here...)

Murph and I have, I believe, the makings of a truly classic marriage. If I didn't believe this, I likely would not have married him. There are many elements to our union that really strike me as "signs," though I hesitate to use that language. We were attracted to each right from the first, and knew we were ear-marked for each other really early on in our friendship. I feel positive and optimistic about our life together.

That having been said, however, we do have some pretty titanic fights. Well, not fights so much as dramatic disagreements. We always seem to end up pushing the same buttons on each other in the same way. I suppose we will continue doing that until either the buttons get desensitized or we actually learn to avoid them. This makes sense to me, though, because, even though we are as joined at the hip as we are at the heart, we are also very unique individuals with our own very distinct minds on things. We are also both fiercely stubborn people, with our own intellects and modes of expression. However, sometimes I think our main problems come as much from being too alike in essentials as they do from being too different in content, if that makes sense.

In any case, these self-help things are rather off for us, as our first year is a pretty abnormal one, since we don't have the chance to live in the same place. Of course people get into fights over chat and phone! It is easy to fight when you can't see the other person's eyes or body posture, just as it is hard to end a fight without just being able to offer a hug. When Murph and I are together, fights are easy to deal with - touching goes a long way to foster forgiveness.

As it is, though, in this time of distance, I have one major technique for dealing with my marriage woes. When we are fighting, I remove my wedding ring. Now, this might sound pretty horrendous, but hear me out.

Some say that the primary affirmation for Muslims, the Shahadah ("There is no G-d but Allah, and Mohammad is His Prophet") has a higher purpose than just saying the words. What it does is, before you embrace Allah, you have to first contemplate, even for a second, "There is no G-d." This is supposed to foster a sense of relief and joy when you get to follow through with "... but Allah." I get this, though clearly I don't get the same sense from that line as do Muslims. But the practice makes sense to me. This is the principle I work by.

So, when things are rough between Murph and I, I remove my wedding ring and look at my hand without it. It always looks so sad and forlorn, that I have to put it back on. This always brings a feeling of relief and joy. It is a reminder: No matter how uncomfortable, annoying or crummy this fight may be, think of life without this marriage... without even these fights. That usually gives me all the strength I need to carry on.

These self-help sites... I guess they are ok, especially if one just uses them for casual browsing and reminders, and doesn't take them too seriously. Often, they are better as "What we are doing right" pats on the back then for "How to fix what is wrong" prescriptions.

I guess the main thing I need to remember and concentrate on is, "Murph is my husband; I am his wife. I love him, and I am grateful for our marriage. No matter what the circumstances of the day are, I am lucky to have what I have, because I could be without him entirely."

That can be my daily affirmation.

Student Loans Can Bite Me. Seriously.

I am mired. I need a loan this summer. There are no two ways about it, really. Either I get the OGS (insert hollow laugh of impossibility here) or I get a loan, or I starve, starting May 1st. The issue is, as usual, that I am kind of late getting the paper work done. However, this year I am getting smarter and will get ALL the paper work in at the same time, rather than sending in the application, waiting six weeks, getting a letter saying I don't have everything, sending more stuff in, and waiting yet another six weeks to hear from them, process the loan, and then wait a week for my money.

However, this year I have brand new troubles. How does one get the signature of a husband on loan papers within a week when he is in West Virginia? OK, if you can figure that one out, try this one on for size: How does one supply the loan people with your new husband's Canadian social insurance number when he isn't Canadian? You like that one? OK, how do you explain to them that you don't actually LIVE with your husband, but nor are you separated? On top of that, how do you explain that my marital status does not influence the fact that I still have to pay my own bills?

Good lord! What decade are we in? Why do I need my husband to approve my loan? And why should I expect my husband to fork over the dough for my tuition? Do I need his permission? Am I expected to be a leech off of him? Perhaps THAT is why I am in school, no?

DUMB ass government loans can bite my SMART ass. And if I starve, I won't go down quietly.