OK, so thanks to a handout from mom and dad (which doesn't at all make me feel like a complete loser at 32), I will be able to just barely handle printing costs for Monday, should that be essential - which it will be, since advisor is really unlikely to have more time for this until the weekend, I am pretty sure.
SO - Monday is the day. Either I submit on Monday, or I drop out on Monday. I am laying that deadline out. No negotiations.
Seriously, a PhD is hardly worth the money it has already cost me. No way that school is getting another $3000 that I don't have.

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