Smoke… Good

Yesterday, I had nicotine cravings like you would not believe. I had to chew gum, just to keep from crawling out of my skin. Usually, I smoke maybe 6 smokes a day… these days, I could smoke that an hour. And I wondered, why so much need for cigarettes? What is up, system-o-mine?

So, now I know… Term is starting.

"They" (meaning the fates, muses and demons of Grad School) couldn’t even wait until September 1st before they started poking me to death, slowly, with small needle-like pitch forks and their razor-sharp incisors.

I would start therapy, but who the hell has the time?

I have a meeting today, one or two on the 6th, one undetermined… I have two proposals for different things floating in cyberspace… I am waiting to hear whether my RA work from the summer is actually acceptable, or whether I screwed the pooch on it while my head has been in the clouds for the past month.

I am way behind in my reading, and that prop will need a lion tamer to get it anywhere near ready for my SSHRC/OGS needs, not to mention the damage that such a dog could do in my “Permanent Record” (yes, I am 28, and I am still being threatened by my “Permanent Record” by school authorities).

I barely got my most recent conference proposal in on time, let along all the funding paperwork I had forgot about… and I still have to write a paper for that conference in October (which seemed like a great idea a few months ago, but, for the life of me, I can’t even remember why now).

The Director of the Program has been emailing me every 15 minutes for an hour… I feel a palatable sense of disappointment from like everyone in my bloody life right now, and flop sweat is starting to pool in my soul.

How much more wakefulness can I squeeze out of each 24 hour period?? I guess we shall see, won’t we?

So, yeah… My nerves are jangled and my head is aching, and my hands are even shaking. Right now dropping out and joining that Mexican circus is starting to look like a better option every minute.

Yup. Going for another smoke. It may not be pleasant, but it is slightly preferable to becoming a carny.

Pray for me, if you know how.

I need a hug.
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