Damn You, Canadian Manners

It’s 2am, and I am deeply tormented by regrets. I was so damned polite in my response to that bullsh*t rejection e-mail! While I did make an oblique jibe by way of “this is far, far less academic than what most publishers would consider acceptable,” I also thanked him for letting me know!!

Now better and ruder responses spring unbidden to mind… My fantasy tell-off boils to the surface. What would it have hurt if I had really cleared the decks and spoken my mind? But could I do that? Noooo!

I am Canadian, hear me whimper.

Dear Pathetic, Mealy Mouthed Prick,

I have received your rejection note with some disappointment, for I so wanted my piece published by your glorified vanity press. However, I have taken another look at your catalogue, and I realize how silly it was of me to hope my article would have a place amongst all the books published by the owner of the company. I now assume that the 5 or so books there not written by him were tossed up by his brother-in-law.

How could I, as a lowly PhD student, ever possibly hope to compete with such prestigious works as (insert crappy title about 50s pin-up girl here)? Silly school-girl fantasy, no doubt.

You have sure learned me. Learned me good.

In future, I will endeavour to spread the word that your fine publishing house considers even the fluffiest pieces as “too academic,” and I will warn anyone with a sixth grade education to look elsewhere for their TV-Guide-quality, pap-crap needs. I will, however, recommend it to GED programs and Sylvan Learning Centers without reservation.

It is too bad that my association with your group must cease, but it appears that one has to get up pretty early in the morning to be a smash hit in the highly charged and fast-paced world that is the publishing industry in Sheboygan.

I had heard that if you can make in Wisconsin, you can make it anywhere. I do so hope that I was misinformed.

I will now take my esoteric self off to die in my ultra-academic chamber of isolation. Should any part of this response fly, sadly, over your head, do let me know and I can try to make it more befitting a demagogue such as yourself. Perhaps I can act it out for you in a series of simple pantomimic gestures, accompanied by some unsophisticated gutturals and clear pictograms.

Good luck with your Xeroxing… I mean publishing. I would say that I hope to see the book when it is finished, but I doubt that your book will ever go out to anyone other than the 20 people who managed to produce at the anti-intellectual level you had in mind. I have very little hope that I could ever find it, even in the very lowest-funded prison libraries, so I highly doubt that I will ever be exposed to your name or that of your cottage industry press again.

In closing, get bent and have a nice day.

Yours,
Miss Academic Smarty Pants

Ah… regrets. Oh well, maybe next time.