The Blues

I just got back from having coffee with a classmate who is trying to decide which school is right for her, and in talking over my feeling about Laurier to her I was reminded about how much I really do love it here. On the way home, I walked in the cool, sunny and leafy streets, and though about how great this city is, too. Then I got home and listened to the radio a bit with John, and I thought about how much I like my home life and apartment.

And now John is out making some lunch (the poor students’ staple of macaroni and cheese), and I am trying to update this blog, and suddenly I am overcome with this weird maudlin sadness. I’m not even sad in a good crying and moaning sort of way. Just sad in a sluggish and regretful sort of way… But I’m not sure why.

We are broke, and a part of me is really down for a comparatively stupid reason. I would love to make the most of the wonderful pre-summer weather and go shopping. Not for some ridiculous $200 coat, but just a $20 DVD or maybe a few new books. And some coffee somewhere. Just a nice browse with the knowledge that if any thing great turns up I could come home with it. But, in our economic situation (which is surprisingly stable but not healthy), a $20 DVD may as well be a $20,000 car for the impact it would have on our ability to eat next week.

So, in order to avoid the risk of spotting something I really want and not being able to have it, I am just stuck here.

We are fine, rationally, but there is only so much budgeting and rationing someone can take before the desire to bust out becomes a dull ache in the stomach.

I will eat my low-class lunch and continue editing the piece, and try not to think of fun or diversion. I will concentrate on job hunting (joy, oh bliss) and editing, and just be happy with what I’ve got. There are many worse off than us… I try not to remember that there are many who are better off, as well.

I’m made for peaks and valleys, not stretches of bland highway. If the poverty doesn’t kill me, the monotony and captivity surely will. Something good has to happen real freaking soon, or my soul will wither from lack of use.