Encounters with Can Man

A little shaken up right now, dear readers. I was just in Tim Horton's, on my way here, when I noticed who was standing right beside me: Can Man!

Those of you who know this story probably know immediately of whom I am speaking, but I'll fill you in. Last March John and I were walking home from Christine's when a man came up behind us in the dark and said, of all things, "Don't be afraid." OK, so it was four in the morning, in the dark, and the guy was a bald white guy with a blond goatee. As a normal citizen, and a Jew, I am PROGRAMMED to be afraid of this situation- and it never helps when they say, "Don't be afraid." I've not been around a great deal in my 27 years, but I do know that law abiders do not feel the need to say such things to other law abiders. We just quietly go about our business, abiding the law.

So, anyway, John and I slowed down to let him pass (it's always better to be in the behind position in these circumstances, I figure), but he took this as a sign of rudeness, I guess. He was absolutely offended that we didn't trust his creepy assurances for our safety- AND he was incredibly stoned and/or drunk. Bad combination! He followed us into the Kwicky-Mart, challenging John to a fight. John took this well, I guess, but he did call the man a "Stupid Hammy"- this just served to confuse, and therefore frustrate and upset, the already very friendly fellow. I asked him to leave us alone, and he apologized but told me that he had to beat the crap out of John because we had insulted him.

Inside the store, he came up to John and continued to urge him to fight. John, as the rest of us, knows that throwing the first punch is NOT a wise legal move, so he tried ignoring the man, who, by this point had escalated to questioning John's sexual preference and powers. However, John was being very good, right up until the guy jumped him- right there between the chip racks and the egg fridge! John clearly was stunned, and looked like "Did you just HIT me?" As soon as John caught on (law abiders also are slow to realize that not everyone is law abiding), he punched the guy, solid. The guy went down, hard.

Thinking this was it, John told the guy to go home, but, lying on the floor, the guy mumbled something about "No fag is going get away with that" and came back. John asked the counter guy, Squidward (long story), to call the cops, while fending the guy off with a can of peas that he was planning to purchase. TWELVE hits later on that naked skull, and the guy was still trying to punch John! Superhuman, or what? Maybe coke and speed really does build up endurance.

JOHN DIDN'T EVEN DROP THE EGGS HE WAS HOLDING!!! Jedi reflexes, or what?

Well, suffice it to say that the fight did end, the cops came and we all went home. John paid for the wrecked can of peas, by the way. In the end, John declined to press charges, but he did, after going to the hospital with a sore hand a month later, find out he had a fractured knuckle. That was that.

However, today I ran into Can Man. I got a little flustered, and forgot to order my macaroon and beat a hasty retreat. I don't know if he recognized us, but he did an odd double take, as he was pulling out of the lot in his white truck. He lives in the area, after all, I guess. So, I am writing this down so, if anything happens to John and I in the next while, at least something is written down. I'm not afraid, exactly, but caution never hurt anyone in these circumstances. Law abiders also have the habit of thinking anything is possible from non-law abiders (I know, only the Sith think in absolutes, but there it is). At least I can have a great James Bond (or Battlefield Earth) moment if he tries anything and say: "If anything happens to me, my Blog is public record."

How cool would that be?

Probably would be cooler if we never saw him again, though.